Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Fifteen - Not Another Vampire Fic

            This wormhole was unlike anything I had ever seen before; instead of just spitting us out onto the other side, we sailed through a huge, twisting tunnel that bended space all around us. At first I thought that something was seriously messed up, but after we flew through the LSD tunnel for a couple of seconds, it finally threw us out the other side and flung us over a dark forest.

Luckily, the big-ass Russian missile did not follow us through the portal; instead, Jet slowed the car down and gently led it to an open patch with less trees in them. We passed over a wooden bridge on the way there, and I saw the faint outline of a deep, blue river snaking underneath it; the only light that illuminated the water was the setting sun.

            Jet prepared to land us in the cleared-out section, but he slowed the car to a stop upon seeing a cabin with its lights on.

"What's the problem?" I said. "It'd probably be a good idea to find some actual civilization for once. I doubt that these locals will kill us."

Jet piloted the car behind a couple of towering pine trees and landed it.

"Frank," said Poison, "no offense, but the last time we tried to talk to the locals, we almost fucking died. I doubt that this pocket dimension's any different. Let's face it—we're officially wanted criminals now."

I looked into the backseat and saw that poor Korse had a big bruise on his right cheek; meanwhile, the Girl looked at my bootleg band all excited and giggled.

"I told you that I have superpowers!" she exclaimed. "I knew it! I knew it all along! And that portal it made? It was awesome! I did that! I can't believe it!"

            Even after the big wormhole fiasco, the bootleg band appeared to have a pretty high charge. After the Girl handed it back to me, Jet killed the engine, and we all stepped out to observe our surroundings.

"I wonder where we are now," said Kobra. "The map in the car looked really messed up. I don't think it even knows where we are anymore. And that wormhole..."

I stared up at the towering pine trees and felt a crisp, autumn wind blow by; I then realized that is was highly likely that we were back in the great state of New Jersey.

"Guys," I said, "I think we might be in Jersey. There's no way this isn't the pine barrens. I'd recognize them anywhere."

The Girl carefully approached one of the trees and reached out to touch it with her tiny hand. "I've never seen a tree like this before," she said. "It's so big...and there's so many of them, too! I think I'm going to like this place."

            "Well," grumbled the CEO, "that's just fantastic. High tax rates, high crime, and a trash everywhere. Let's just hop through another portal and get out of here."

I clenched my fists and seriously wanted to punch that ratty bitch in her slimy, fat cat face.

"I don't think we should do that," said Jet. "Looks like our car got a little roughed up from the last fight. I think we should hide here and fix it up a little before taking off."

The car actually looked a little fucked up, and I didn't like the idea of riding around in a tin can that could blow up at any second. Besides, I wouldn't mind hanging out in the greatest state on the planet for a little while.

            "We've got some tools in the back," said Poison, "but I have no idea how effective they'll be on that gross alien's weird-ass modifications."

Jet popped open the trunk and dug around. "Ah, don't worry about it," he said. "Quantum mechanics aren't that hard. They're just intimidating at first; you just gotta get the hang of it, y'know? Besides, they didn't damage much under the hood stuff. Shouldn't take me more than a day to fix her right up."