Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Twenty-One - What's Crackin'?

"Well," said Kobra. "That could've been handled more gracefully."

"Ya think?" said Jet. "I mean, don't get me wrong, his romantic speech was kind of hilarious, but yikes. Also, I had absolutely no idea that he had a crush on you, Poison. I genuinely just thought that he had a cactus fetish or something."

"It's not your fault," said Poison.

"It's fine," I said. "Everything's fine. Korse will be out there to make sure nothing bad happens. In the meantime, we gotta figure out how to make you guys blend in. No offense or anything, but those outfits have gotta go first. All of you stick out like a sore thumb."

"None taken," said Jet, "but where are we gonna get good clothes?"

"That's the hard part," I said. "As far as I know, I'm currently unemployed, sharing a tiny apartment with six other people, and no way to pay the upcoming rent. So, I can't exactly buy you guys clothes at the moment."

"We can go job hunting," said Kobra. "I'm willing to work."

"That's very nice of you," I said, "but I can't risk you guys being seen in public like that. I remember what the Man said when Poison and I were stuck in that Revenge fic...he said that one of the only ways you can get on the police's radar is if someone snitches on you. I can't let that happen."

"There is some good news," said Poison. "The police think we're dead."

"How?" I asked.

"Remember what Vampire Frank said?" said Poison. "He said that they told the Fanfiction Police that they ate us. So, it's likely that they've contacted the Wattpad Police and told them that we've been eliminated."

"It's also likely that they will come back to this fic one last time to investigate and ask the locals some questions," said Jet. "Which means that they will definitely ask this fic's Gerard a whole bunch of questions. I suggest we get on his good side so we can teach him to lie to the police before it's too late."

"Get on his good side?" I said. "You've gotta be kidding. In case you didn't catch it, I friendzoned him and he did not take it very well. And, I don't know if you've noticed, but my Gerard is a bit...emotional. The dude can probably hold a grudge and be sad for three centuries. How the hell am I going to convince him to lie to the police about us being dead?"

"You could always fake it," said Jet. "You can apologize to him and pretend to be in love with him. Besides, it'll be good form for whenever your author comes back to write. This is a Frerard fic, after all. Might as well practice kissing him now, because there's probably gonna be a whole lot more of it later."

Poison didn't seem amused by this plan, and I sure as hell wasn't. "But I don't even love him!" I said. "He's an overly emotional, overly dramatic, egotistical little weirdo who never shuts the fuck up!"

"But your author..."

"I wouldn't worry too much about her," said Ghoul as he entered the room again.

"Stay out of this, Ghoul," growled Poison.

"Hang on just a minute," said Ghoul. "Just hear me out. I actually have some important information that might help you guys on whatever the hell kind of quest you're going on. First of all...Frank, you ain't unemployed. I've done my part at Jersey Mike's, and your boss still likes you. Second, your author hasn't been active for a long time. I'm talking, like, she hasn't been active since I showed up. I dunno if she's on hiatus or whatever, but there aren't any signs of her coming back. I suggest you take advantage of this while you can, because the police are way less likely to investigate an abandoned fic."