Stronger for You

Chp. 6 Memories

“I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

Chapter Six

Draco's P.o.V.

The flames couldn’t touch me. I sat as close as possible in my leather armchair to the fire, but the flames continued to burn away from me.

I was numb, and staring blankly at the wall of my bedroom. It was the top floor of the manor, the only place that freak hadn’t touched.

I couldn’t get warm. I couldn’t eat or sleep. It hurt to breathe. This was hell. My personal hell.

It should’ve been me. I should’ve taken that curse for her. She shouldn’t have died. She’d be alive if I had taken the curse. She’d be alive and well, still breathing and smiling and—

I take a shuddering breath and hold back my screams. It would attract notice from the Death Eaters in my house. With the war opening with full force, Dumbledore dead, and the Ministry crumbling, it was only a matter of time before Hogwarts, and the rest of the world, would be the Dark Lord’s.

He wasn’t concerned with the fact that I hadn’t actually cast the curse at the old man. Snape was a perfectly acceptable substitute.

I blinked and found that my head was back against the chair, the dark blue ceiling right above me. I couldn’t feel her. If she was dead, I expected to at least feel her spirit, to feel anything, but I felt nothing. She was truly gone. The only thing I had left of her was that stupid Gryffindor tie that I had nicked on her birthday. It lay against my skin, hidden under my shirt.

I press my hand to the white shirt, feeling the cool silk of the hidden fabric rub against my skin. The movement caused the remnants of her scent to drift into the air, honey and wine. I cherished it. It wouldn’t be long before it, too, faded.

“I love you too” Her words floated around in my head constantly. Her last statement before she had gone off to fight in the battle.

I should have made her stay. I should have destroyed the cabinet as the death eaters were coming through. I should have let the Order hide me. I should have done all of that at the beginning of the year. I should have run away while Snape was fighting Potter instead of trying to get him back for cursing me. I should have pushed her away and let him kill me.

I should have.

I should have.

But I didn’t and it was too late.

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I held them back. I wouldn’t cry. I understand now why Jacky hadn’t cried at her family’s funeral. Once let out, they would keep going for ages and ages with no sign of stopping.

I groan and bend over on myself. The sharp pains were digging into my chest. Just her name sent me into near convulsions. I wanted her back. I wanted nothing but to be with her.

My wand caught my eye, where it was lying on my bed. One spell is all it takes.

Her gray eyes flashed through my mind, her scowling face causing my insides to squirm and a great shock to flow through my body. I drop my eyes from the dark wood of the wand to the floor. I could never do that. Knowing the disappointment that she would have if I ever tried was more torture than the Cruciatus Curse.

I have to stop thinking about this. I have to lock it away in my mind before going down to the meeting. My eyes close and my head leans back slightly as I feel my thoughts slowing down. My brain quiets and the memories slip away. My hands shake against the leather as her face slips away with them. How long until I can no longer remember her face? The colour of her eyes? The sound of her laugh?

It’s locked away into the far recesses of my memory.

Let’s just get this whole thing over with.