Stronger for You

Chp. 18 So What?

‘Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” – Voltaire

Chapter Eighteen

Draco’s P.o.V.

I lean lazily back in the chair, letting my mind drift as the last, weak rays of November sunshine hit my face. The first three months of school had been…well basically awful. It was still awful, but it had gotten better. Blaise and Pansy had, most surprisingly, been supportive enough to let me work through all of my “moods”, as they  so kindly put it. Moods that had been more volatile and mopey than ever. I would have told me to sod off if I had been my friend by now.

Knowing that I’ve been acting like a prat and accepting just goes to show how much I have changed from last year. I hate the change, hate what it cost, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

My mood darkens, slipping into the familiar haze of depression and self-loathing. I welcome it gladly. I crave it, sickeningly enough.

“Draco, snap out of it. Carrow is ready to curse you.” Blaise nudges my side sharply. I slowly open my eyes, controlling my emotions with an iron face. The ugly face of Alecto Carrow jeers at me from the front. I stare her down, daring her to cross me. She falters and goes back to teaching. I look over at Blaise.

“Thanks” I say curtly. He studies me a moment before nodding.

“How’s Astoria?” He asks. My stomach clenches painfully and I shrug.

“She’s alright. She was happy this morning.”

“I would hope so. I thought she was going to eat your face off.” His tone, I notice, holds disapproval. I know he doesn’t want me with her, yet for some unfathomable reason I let her hold onto me with her claws. After that first kiss, I desire that sliver of happiness, that peace that I had felt afterwards.

It has yet to happen again, but it might, which was one of the reasons I let her hold on so tightly.

“You’re losing yourself, mate.” I look at him sharply, daring him to continue. As my best friend, and therefore not afraid of me, he does so. “Everything you became for her is gone. You’re turning back into the jerk from two years ago and it’s destroying you.” He states quietly. I scowl and turn my face back to the window. He can go feck himself. So what if I want to let myself feel happy? It was suffocating, to be so depressed all the time. I longed for the lightness and warmth I had had that first night back. That I had had for half of last year.

So what if I couldn’t respect Astoria?

So what if I couldn’t respond like any normal guy would to her advances?

So what if I couldn’t remember what Jacky’s face looked like?

So what? So fecking what? What the hell was I supposed to do about this damned situation?

I had clenched my quill so hard that I hadn’t realized that it had splintered into little pieces until Blaise knocks it from my hand. I acknowledge it with a nod and get up as the bell rings, packing my bag with a wave of my wand. The simple movement nearly brings me to my knees. She had always done that.

I grit my teeth and throw the bag roughly on my shoulder as I stalk out of the room. I walk blindly through the halls, seething and ranting to myself. The old-me was disgusted with the old-old-me and vice-versa. Blaise was right, I was destroying myself. I needed to forget her.

She had died for me; died for her misplaced love for me. How dare I even contemplate such a thing?

“Mew?” I stumble and look down to see Tigress looking up at me with wide, anxious eyes. Eyes that pin me down to whatever spot I was in until they looked away. The eyes that made me remember the details of her beautiful face. Her amazing scent. Her soft skin, shining hair, and lightning smile. Bright, sparkling, storm cloud grey eyes.

“—Draco?” I look up and realize that someone had been talking to me. It was Ginny. She looks haggard. I wasn’t surprised. Her and that D.A. group of hers had been up to something lately. I suspected they had something to do with the “Phoenix Ghost” too, but they always had undeniable alibis. Strange.

“Weasley” I acknowledge. Her face cools into an expressionless mask.

“Last names again, wonderful.” She sighs and rakes a thin hand through her hair before leaning against the wall while Tigress weaves through her legs. Annoying, a sliver of guilt runs through me.

“Are…are you alright Ginny?” I ask. She smiles thinly and shrugs.

“As best as the circumstances could be. Protecting first years from the Cruciatus curse, getting kids out of beatings, and keeping my grades up in my two worst classes. How about you?” She laughs humorlessly. I blink away my guilt.

“Not as bad as that.” I trail off.” She was looking down at the cat, her profile emphasizing how thin and unkempt she really was. Her chin was trembling and her hands shook.

“Ginny, I’m so—” Her head snaps up, her eyes blazing with that Weasley temper.

“Don’t say you’re sorry Draco. It’s not going to do a damn thing about anything. We do what we can with the circumstances we’re given. You’re surviving as a good little death eater and I’m surviving as a worthless, rebellious blood traitor.” She snaps. I stare at her, hiding my anger.

“What else do you expect me to do?” I ask in a dangerously soft voice. She doesn’t falter as she gets right into my face, daring me with her blazing eyes to take a step back.

“Be the man Jacky wanted you to be.” She snarls before snatching up Tigress and walking away. Tigress watches me sorrowfully over her shoulder, her gaze holding the same light as my Lioness.

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Author's Note: Everything seems a bit slow-paced and normal right now, but things will be heating up VERY QUICKLY!  :) Tell me how you all are liking the story below! Tell your friends/fans/followers, please! ^-^