Am I Manly Yet? Kiribaku + Bakuquad

Old, Cold And Forgotten Rooftops {Chapter 10}

{Third Person}

Kirishima walks up the stairs with creaky boards that have aged longer than many. Some have fallen, yet he still walks up the run down staircase, in the rundown building. It doesn't fall under the weight he carries, although he doesn't know if he can do the same. He doesn't know if the weight he carries will crush him, but he disregards the thought and continues on. 

He reaches the top and walks  across the cold, hard cement roof. Stepping to the edge, calmer than he should be, he looks down. Its much taller than he remembers, but the thought doesn't stay long, for its not of much importance. Looking down, he sees the alleyway, his alleyway. It's filled with color, colors he placed that make up pictures he made. Colors that remind him of the colors decorating his own body. Purples, blues, yellows, red, pink. They all decorate him, but he hates those colors. He didn't chose to have those. 

He sees his latter that brings him closer to the sky, sees dots that he assumes are the containers of spray paint that have been used and tossed aside. The exterior of those cans are colorful and decorated, but the inside is drained. The inside is hollow, it's used everything it has to make a beautiful piece. A piece that will make everyone happy, make them believe, make them see beautiful color, yet the cans are still empty and tossed to the side to be thrown away and forgotten. 

He steps away from the edge slightly, and lays down on the old building that stand amongst many others. The reason for them nobody knows, forgotten just as everything will be. Looking up, he sees the wispy white shapes scattered across the sky. They travel to wherever they wish to go. They don't have boundaries, and nobody seems to be offended by it. In fact, people enjoy them. They gaze up at them, wish to be them, see their shapes. They learn about them, categorize them, fly through them. He loves clouds too, he envies them. He wishes to be with them, to float and to finally have the freedom he much desires. Clouds are beautiful, they're loved. They get to be beautiful, and never disappoint anyone. He has never seen someone mad at a cloud, why should someone be? Clouds are perfect. 

Even when they become to heavy, all they bring is more beauty. They let go, allow water drops to fall from them, allow all the horrible weight weighing them down to fall from them. And that is beautiful as well. Rain helps the grass grow, trees to flourish. Rain falls is spider webs and makes beautiful shapes, they make rainbows appear before your eyes. Then, the cloud floats again. Their weight is pushed off their shoulder, and they morph back into the wonderful thing they were before. He wishes to be a cloud, to be able to lets water flow from his eyes only to be ok the afterwords. Wishes all the problems float away with his tears. He wishes he wasn't the problem. If only he were a cloud. 

He lays there until the clouds leave him again on this Sunday night, until the sun sinks below the horizon. Sometimes he wishes he could do the same. He watches at the stars appear. They show themselves to him one by one. The moon becomes brighter as the surrounding sky becomes darker. He still lays, just observing. He used to talk to the man in the moon, but lately he realized that he may not want to hear it. He's unsure if there is anyone who still wants to hear the stupid ideas that flow out of him. All the stupid jokes, his stupid feelings, his stupid thoughts. He doubts anyone wants to hear, he doesn't even want to hear. 

He takes in a deep breath of the fresh air. On the ground it would smell like smoke, dirt, paint, and other unknown smells that drift in the city and alleyways. But he isn't on the ground, he's on a tall building he wishes to never leave, because he can smell fresh air and see the stars and the man in the moon. He wishes to never leave because he has no one to remind him of who he is. 

He hears the faint sound of police sirens, and his mind drifts to what may be happening. Maybe there was a robbery. Some thief who decided he didn't have a enough money for heroine. Maybe someone drank all their problems away. They forgot about the world they have, forgot about their family that doesn't love them. Forgot about their friend that killed themselves because they had nothing else to live for. Forgot about their cheating wife who does a horrible job at hiding it because she doesn't even care, but no one cares anymore. So he drank himself away and began to drive. Maybe he crashed. Maybe he ran into a light pole, and the window smashed. The front caved in and now he's slowly dying in the car he had gotten because it had more room for his new children. Maybe he knew what he was doing was selfish, that he put others at risk because of his decisions. Maybe subconsciously he meant to drive into that pole, but no one will ever know. No one will know what was going threw his head, the pain he had, how the only thing he had left was his children who he thought would be better without him. No one will know because by the time the cops get there, he'll be dead, and everyone will think that it's just another drunk who was drinking and driving, not caring about anything else.

Kirishima decides that he isn't going home tonight. He decided this before he left home, and thats why he already has everything he needs for school with him. He avoids thinking about school as much as possible. He has spent all of his suspension doing work, chores, occasionally texting his friends. He's eaten only a few times since this the whole ordeal, and anyone could see that he has gotten smaller than he was at the beginning of the year. Sometimes he doesn't eat even though he could probably sneak food, or even if his parents let him. He doesn't feel like he deserves to eat. He thinks that he needs to become strong and manly, and eating will only make him slow and fat. He'd rather be skin and bones than eat. But he's not skin and bones because he still works out constantly, and refuses do go more than one day without doing so. He refuses to stop until his lungs burn, until he can't feel the tips of his fingers, until he becomes dizzy and almost blacks out. He doesn't want to be as weak as his mind is. He keeps his body fit, a smile on his face, his hair dyed and gelled, he keeps up his facade. 

He doesn't want to go to school tomorrow. He knows he's not behind, so school should be the same as always. Except he wont be, he won't be the same because he has to put on another fake smile. He has to start acting like he's happy again, like he doesn't know what everyone thinks about him. Like he doesn't know that hes just a disappointment. His bruises have mostly healed, and all the visible ones on his face and neck are gone. His knuckles have scabbed over and the bruising around them are fading. He knows that he can do this, that he can go to school and betray a healthy, happy person. 

But he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to pretend like he's not a horrible person, like he thinks he makes people happy. He doesn't want to, but he will. He has to, because he doesn't want anyone to be sad. If he doesn't pretend, then they'll think it's their fault. They'll think it's their fault he's sad because they dont love him. Its not their fault, because if someone doesn't love him he understands why. He knows that it's his fault for being horrible, stupid, annoying. He understands, because he hates him too. He has to pretend because if there is the slightest chance that his friends actually love him, then he needs to keep them happy. He doesn't want them to be sad or hurt from his stupid emotions. So he has to pretend, he has to smile and be strong, he has to keep his hair red and gelled, he has to keep his bruises hidden and mouth shut. 

Hey guys. Ik this is written differently than other chapters but I started writing and it just carried me here ig. I didn't want to just throw it away so I'm posting it, I also think it's kinda nice just to have Kiri thinking. This chapter is literally only him thinking. Kinda a filler but idk. 

Love you guys, girls, gays and everyone else Byeee ❤️❤️.