Witch or vampire?

Musings

"I've lived a lot of different lives

Been different people many times

I live my life in bitterness

And fill my heart with emptiness

And now I see, I see it for the first time,

There is no crime in being kind

Not everyone is out to screw you over.

Maybe, oh just maybe they just wanna get to know ya."

Fear and loathing, by Marina & The Diamonds

I couldn't stop the single tear from falling. The whole tension of tonight's events simply left no room for sarcastic defense remarks. All my chaotic feelings lay raw shortly underneath the surface. I couldn't control them anymore. Her emotional overflow had crashed into my defenses like a wrecking ball.

What the hell had she done to me?

First, I had saved her, then we've had wonderful hours of fantastic sex and suddenly she'd saved my life although she just discovered that I was a vampire and now she was falling for me? How had I managed to stumble in front of such an express train?

I totally felt run over – it was too much in too short a time. Not even Elena had managed to throw me off balance like this!

And, it was far too much for Helen too. She must be exhausted by hope and fear and the events, she couldn't have processed everything, not just yet. In fact, she should be short of cracking up. Why didn't she?

Maybe it's your presence, I heard a small voice I my head. I don't want that! I don't want to be the tower of strength again.

What about me? I'm all alone!

Because you don't let people in! Damn that conscience, why couldn't it shut up?

There I sat on her bed, with her in my arms, trying to regain my composure. She brushed the wetness on my cheek away with her thumb.

"I understand, Damon," she said softly. "Your world is dangerous, I've seen it today. If you really believe that there is no other way, ...that you have to leave to protect yourself or me, then do it."

She drew a deep breath. "But I want you to know that I would never send you away."

She sat up straight and looked into my eyes. "I have just one request: Please, don't sneak away without good-bye, okay?"

Her voice remained steady and she didn't cry. Somehow she managed to muster a remarkable inner strength, and I envied her.

I just nodded and let her kiss me tenderly. Sliding underneath the duvet, our roles suddenly were reversed. She was comforting me, not the other way round, but I let her.

Tenderly she threaded her fingers through my hair and wrapped an arm around my waist from behind.

"It'll be alright," she whispered into my ear, holding me tight while we both stared into the darkness

At some point, I heard her breathing even out as she fell asleep. Carefully I turned around. She was fast asleep, with a peaceful smile on her face.

Softly I caressed her cheek. The bruise was almost gone and she would be able to go back to work within the next two days.

I inhaled her unique scent deeply and suddenly I felt thirsty for her blood. It was almost overwhelming.

Wow, I hadn't felt it this urgently up to now. Was I about to lose control?

I had lost a lot of blood during the attack and hadn't been able to replace it fully because Henson had been full of vervain.

My acquired control reflex which usually saved me from killing those I really cared about, set in strongly. Carefully I retreated from the bed and sat on the window sill, drawing my knees to my chest.

I shouldn't be here anymore, I mused. I shouldn't feel like crap, when thinking about leaving. I shouldn't have such strong feelings for her.

What had happened to my feelings for Elena? I hadn't thought about her once within the past three days. Was it a good sign? Was I about to let go of her and start something new? And where should I go from here? To New Orleans, like I had originally intended? Or further to the West? Should I leave at all, and if yes, why?

You suck at relationships, just look at last time, I mused.

Katherine had never loved me the way I had loved her. Elena had developed feelings for me, but they hadn't been strong enough. All other women I had been with over the years, like Sage, Andie or Rose, had just been distractions without a serious emotional involvement. At least, most of them.

I had abused Caroline, I had turned Vicki and had to kill her later. Was I doomed to stay alone forever?

Lexi crossed my mind. Lexi could've given me an answer, probably one I wouldn't have liked. Unfortunately, I had killed her for strategic reasons. Afterwards, I had regretted it, even if I never would've admitted it. My surroundings had been under the impression that I couldn't feel anything because I had switched off my humanity. They've been so wrong!

Elena had managed to raise my interest in my own emotions, so I switched them on again and had to realize quickly that nobody cared, maybe except Elena.

And when I finally had been ready to open up to her, she had trampled them down.

Unintentionally or not, I hadn't cared. I had needed to protect myself and had switched my humanity off again, retreating back into my cold shell. Up to now.

If anybody would've told me four days ago that I would get stuck in Baton Rouge with a bartender, I would've laughed at them.

That night, all I had wanted had been a drink and to proceed to New Orleans. Well, things never turn out the way you expect them.

Her appearance had firstcaught my eye – of course, Salvatore! Always taking good care of your lower region!

Her ways had hit home at second glance. She'd been flirty, just a little, but she'd held back when I'd kicked into high gear. She wasn't the type to throw herself at the first available one-night stand.

During the raid, she'd been frightened, but she had conquered her fear. Without me, however, she would've had no chance, that's why I'd interfered. The mix of courageous determination and the need for protection had attracted me. That's why I had taken her home and stayed with her.

Well, the rest had just fallen into place and I had enjoyed it. Helen was much like Elena. She was brave, had steady nerves, a good sense of humor and was stunningly emphatic. She'd be a great...forget it, Damon! I scolded myself. I had just caught myself imagining Helen as a vampire. That was out of question, I thought.

I might have failed to protect Elena from losing everything, but I would ensure that Helen could lead a normal life. I would leave her – period!

It will hurt like hell, but there's worse, Ithought. At least her life won't be turned upside down anymore.