PENUMBRA (how the flowers grow)

15. Hands

Two moon turns ago, Sabina walked into a tavern and left with the person who would become the most important thing to her. She still can't believe it. It's an incredible feeling to have something, someone. She doesn't think she deserves it, but she has it, so she tries to let that be enough.

At nights before she goes to sleep, she runs her fingers over the charm that hangs around her neck and looks up at the stars. Tuluvey watches over her and she feels safe like that, feels safe in a way that she didn't think she was capable of being. One of them always keeps watch now, on the lookout for bandits or Shadows or wild rhodringils- anything that might dare to hurt them.

Sometimes, when she can't sleep, she'll lay her head on Tuluvey's lap and he'll sing to her and stroke her hair. On nights when she has nightmares, still most nights, she searches for his hand in the dark and holds onto it. Sometimes, when it feels like she can't breathe and touch doesn't feel like it will kill her, Tuluvey lets her trace her fingers along the lines on his palm until she calms down.

Sabina comes to the daunting conclusion that she trusts Tuluvey, trusts him more than a simple, 'he's not going to turn me in.' She finds that she hopes he trusts her, too. She wants him to like her and she thinks it desperately.

When they stop for the night after a long day of walking, Sabina decides she'll take first watch. Sabina eats the rest of the cured beef they got in Honeywallow and Tuluvey eats a bean cake. He never chooses to eat meat unless they're running low on food.

Tuluvey grows a little strawberry plant right where they're sitting and grows enough berries for both of them. Sabina eats her fill and sets out the blankets while Tuluvey grows a little plant structure around them.

Tuluvey curls up in the blankets and Sabina sits beside him, hands in her lap. She wears her gloves less these days, but still slips them on whenever she gets too anxious. She picks at the seam of her pants and looks at the stars.

Tuluvey falls asleep easily and it's not long before he's out like a light. An owl hoos from somewhere up in the trees. Sabina tries to recite the songs Tuluvey sings in her head to keep herself awake. Random thoughts cross her mind and she tries her best to avoid the bad ones, but they come anyway despite being unwelcome.

What if they find me anyway?

Sabina doesn't want to think about it. She reaches for her amulet and holds it in her hand, feeling the metal, warm from being pressed against her body. She breathes the way Tuluvey tells her to and listens to the night sounds of the forest.

Her fingers ache and she lets go of her necklace to massage them. She can still recall the feel of them snapping. She can feel her legs being crushed, blades cutting through her skin.

She closes her eyes, heart starting to beat faster. It's hard to talk herself through these times, but she's better at it than she was before she met Tuluvey. She'd float away for hours, stuck.

I'm in the forest, somewhere close to Valdent. I'm with Tuluvey. He's my friend. I like Tuluvey.

A bush rustles and her stomach jerks. She peers into the darkness, but everything is black and she sees nothing move. She listens for more, and is relieved to hear nothing else.

Probably a racoon, she tells herself.

Tuluvey said there's big spiders that come out at night around here and Sabina has continued to pretend they don't exist. She doesn't fear the tiny ones, but she has zero desire to see a big one. Tuluvey said they're cute, but he's a bad judge and she doesn't believe him.

He said the big spiders are fuzzy. Maybe they're like cats.

Sabina pictures a big spider cat and is unimpressed. She looks back out at the woods. Nothing moves. No bandits, nothing else.