PENUMBRA (how the flowers grow)

31. Heart

No one says anything, not to her face or to each other, but she knows what they did. She knows they did something they thought was a simple thing to do, so simple that it never occurred to them to stop and ask her if that's what she wanted.

She hears them enter the tavern even from her room. It's not like they're quiet, and it's not like they've ever had any subtlety. So, when Tuluvey comes back to their room, she knows where he's been. She's sure of that fact, more sure than she tends to be about anything. She doesn't know how she feels about it.

He tells her they were on a job and she feels angry and she has a hard time grasping why. She struggles with herself. Tuluvey offers out a gentle touch and she can't resist the affection. She leans into him and he pulls her against him and cradles her like she's something- someone- special.

Anger courses through her veins violently for a few long seconds, then it's gone and is replaced by this- this sharp all-consuming sadness. She loses herself in the warmth of Tuluvey's arms and goes to bed that night feeling numb.

She has nightmares. She'll only remember fragments of them when she wakes up, but the feelings stay strong, unpleasantly there.

She dreams she's being beaten with chains and she can't tell if it's Arthur or Vess that's there. She dreams of Vess exploring her with a knife, sealing up her skin with magic like nothing ever happened. She dreams of Arthur sitting on the end of her bed, telling her he's disappointed in her. She dreams she's back at the academy, snapping her opponent's neck like a twig. She dreams she's driving a knife into Vess's heart over and over again until her hands are red. She dreams she's hurting herself.

When she wakes, there's tears on her face and her shoulders shake in a sob. The blankets are sweltering and she frantically tries to get herself out of them. She pushes herself off the floor and she wipes her palms on her knees. Her fingers tremble and she grips the fabric of her pants until it's sure to wrinkle.

"Achere," Tuluvey slurs, sheets rustling as he moves. "You had a nightmare, you're safe."

Her heart beats rapidly and she is not safe. It wasn't a nightmare- it was real. She tries to inhale and a sob catches in her throat. Tuluvey sits up instantly, making soothing noises as he reaches out to her.

"We're in a tavern in Whitegate," he murmurs. "We're going to leave tomorrow. Some of our friends are sleeping in this room and the rest are in another. We're all safe. That's what's real right now."

Safe.

More tears fall and she needs to get out. She stumbles to the door. By some feat of luck, she doesn't trip over anyone on her way out. She unlocks the door although it takes her a couple tries and starts down the hallway for the stairs. A few torches are still burning, so thankfully it isn't pitch dark.

She doesn't hear Tuluvey follow her, but she knows he's there, sees him out of the corner of her eye as she sits down on a bench outside the tavern. The air is warm outside, but far less stifling than that of the room.

"Can I touch you?" Tuluvey asks.

Sabina shakes her head, wrapping herself up in her arms. She takes a shaky breath and looks out at the dark, quiet streets. It's dangerous to be out in the dark like this.

"Do you want to talk?"

She shakes her head.

"Would it be better if we just sat together?"