Just A Number ⋆Hetty Feather⋆ (SLOW UPDATES)

Chapter 14

After some time, my sobs had subsided, and I'd moved so I was now leaning half on the wall and half on the window. I didn't know how long I'd been sat there, staring out of the window at the hospital grounds, occasionally seeing a maid rush across them. Nobody had come into the infirmary, although I had heard several sets of footsteps passing by the door. The first two times I'd heard them, I froze, sure I'd be discovered, but when that hadn't happened, I'd returned to staring out of the window and hadn't reacted whenever I heard footsteps after that.

At some point whilst I'd been staring absentmindedly out of the window, my thoughts had drifted to my childhood and my borrowed family, which I hadn't told anyone about. In our friend group, the other four had all shared various elements of their borrowed families, to different levels. Hetty had told us pretty much everything, Polly and Harriet had told us enough for us to get an image of what it was like, and Mary had shared a little bit before her time in the Tench had caused her to be reluctant to talk unless it was super important, but I refused to say anything, wanting to keep it to myself. I wasn't ashamed of my past, per se, but I knew my friends, and knew that, if I did reveal anything about my borrowed family, they'd keep pushing for me to talk, and I'd soon have no secrets. I also didn't want to explain where I came from out of fear that my friends would shun me, or turn their backs on me when they found out, and I couldn't face that, especially not when it meant that I wouldn't just lose the friendship of the girls, but the boys as well. We hadn't got around to discussing our borrowed families in our tower meetings yet, but I knew that the topic would soon be brought up, something I dreaded.

I was brought put my rather depressing thoughts about my childhood by the sound of the door opening. Panic filled my veins as I pressed myself further into the corner between the wall and window, hoping that it wasn't Matron.

"I know you're there Raven." It was Nurse Winterson who'd come in, which reassured me, as she was unlikely to punish me for being in here. Still, I didn't move, naïvely hoping that, if I stayed still, she'd leave me alone. Obviously, that plan didn't work. "Raven," she repeated, and I sighed, knowing that there was no way that I could stay here. Slowly, I got down off of the windowsill and walked over so Nurse Winterson was able to see me.

"How did you know I was in here?" I said quietly, staring at the floor, not wanting her to see that I'd been crying - which I was sure was obvious on my face.

"Your friends came and found me, they were worried about you," she said. I still refused to look at her, although it was nice to hear that my friends were concerned about me, even when I had left them. "They said you shouted at Sheila then stormed out of the dormitory, and that nobody had see you since then. They were afraid that you'd go and do something rash, especially with Hetty in the Tench." There was a small silence and I heard her walking over to where I stood.

As she drew closer, I plucked up the courage to look up. Rather than looking at me pityingly, as I had dreaded, her face was full of nothing but care and concern, which made me want to break down crying again. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, and I nodded, not trusting myself to be able to speak without further tears. She smiled at me, sitting down on one of the infirmary beds, and I walked over to join her.

There was another silence, whilst I composed myself to ensure that I'd be able to speak without crying.

"I feel like I could've stopped it," I said, verbalising something that had been weighing on my mind as soon as I learned that Hetty was in the Tench. Nurse Winterson was quiet, waiting for me to continue. "I was so close, if I'd been able to stop Eliza from getting in, or gone to help Hetty get her out of there before they were discovered, then Hetty wouldn't be in the Tench."

"There's no use dwelling over what's already happened, you can't change it," Nurse Winterson said. "What you should do now is making sure that the same thing doesn't happen to you or your friends." I looked down at my lap, thinking about what she'd said. "I know you feel responsible for keeping all your friends safe, Raven," she continued. "But you can't forget that you're a person and need to keep yourself safe and healthy." I looked up at her, still seeing nothing but care in her eyes.