the thoughts I think

my letter to death and its backstory I guess

dear death.

I hate you. you are unpredictable. and I hate it. why can't you just stop? you are eternal and constant. I can't run from you. you hurt me. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

the idea of going and not coming back is...interesting when I'm all gone and my lives all over I will still have this overwhelming sense of incompletion cause its not really over...or is it? dun..don...douooooo....sorry to write to you fo such an inconvenient reason but I was just wondering when my time was going to run out or maybe if you intend on taking any more of my friends or loved ones so that I can prepare. as the all-seeing creep you are, I assumed that you are aware that I'm weak for love. I don't know what your intentions in my life are but if you are intending on hurting me maybe you could give me a heads up. I like to hide my emotions often so you are kinda like my nightmare. but there's also a chance that ill brush you off. which is weird cause you're like a celebrity murderer. but I guess its not your fault. you're just doing your job, everyone has to leave this world behind eventually. for some, you are the biggest blessing. some people are just so tired and hurt that they aren't willing to continue...living. then you come, and you take their hands, and you set their souls free from their mortal flesh prison. it's nice, but while some await you others run from you. they like this. they are not ready but...its not their choice. I suppose I'm neutral. you intrigue me. when I'm hurt I'm generally hiding it or recklessly inflicting it upon myself. but that's always been ok...for me. however, you inflict the slightest bit of emotional trauma onto me and just like that my masks off. I guess it's hard to comprehend that I'm not gonna see them again. though I'm curious and somewhat neutral I still don't like you. you took her...right out of my hands she never..even-...lived honestly but I held her once. its cruel, you took her right out of my hands. ill never forget that day at the hospital when mama handed her to me. so peaceful and innocent. my sweet baby sister. only once have we met but the love is unbreakable. I hate you for that. why'd you do it? she didn't deserve it so why? I would give my life just to hold her fragile body in my arms once more. this is kinda useless. but I um... id appreciate it if you could write back cause I just have to know. 

just know...we're not friends...ill always hate you.

sincerely, me...

................................................................................................................................................................

w0w! if you're seeing this you just read a letter, my letter to...death. I wrote this when I was 9 years old almost ten. 8 days before my birthday. my mother went into labor with my little sister, Riah. a day after she was born my father took us to the hospital to see her. she had little tubes in her nose and tiny curly peachfuzz. she had been premature she was supposed to be born September 2, my birthdays august 24. she was born with cystic fibrosis, which is incurable. she also had a lung abnormality and cerebral palsy. we were told that she wouldn't live to see her first birthday. thankfully we were allowed to hold her even if it was just once. when I held her for the first time... I just admired her she was beautiful. she had a small patch of skin with a lack of melanin on her face. and she had grey eyes she was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. and I could feel her breathing...then I couldn't. her soft breaths just stopped. my dad called for a doctor who then just took her away. we eventually got the news that a thick mucus had filled her lungs preventing her from breathing...and she had died. I always wonder how did the doctors not know, they might've been able to save her if they just...i don't know. I'm no medical expert but she died...in my arms. I've always felt guilty like it's my fault. anyways this is kinda long so umm... bottom line is 2 days after my sister died in my arms I wrote a letter to death seeking someone to blame. I legitimately thought he would write back...that's crazy. I guess by this age I've accepted that she's gone and death is a part of life...

    um thanks for reading I guess