based on katy perry's thinking of you; requested by: @JenlisaReal23
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i sat there in our awfully silent room while i await for my husband to arrive. i grimace a bitter smile for my self-discipline from chugging the whole champagne glass down my throat and shout at him for not being better. for not being the best. i guess comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection.
as soon as i hear the lock of the door, i immediately stood up, stitched a doll smile on my face as i welcome my husband home. i kissed him on the cheek as he embraced me, smelling like papers and law. "jen - what are these for?" he gawked in front of me, the delight in his eyes pinching my heart. "let's say - a pre-celebration for our second anniversary?" i leaned onto his shoulder while my hand was against his chest, playing the role of a wife well. he grimaced and kisses me on the lips.
the yellow light gave the warm and romantic ambiance inside our little abode. candlelights were placed onto the sidelines, making a path for us to walk into the best part; dinner.
kim jongin held my hand tightly as we ventured into the dining table, feeling proud of myself for making another foolish act to stop my loud thoughts. my bleeding heart. it was not for a pre-anniversary celebration. nor feeling blessed he's by my side knowing he's a lawyer whom had won so many cases and enemies craved for his death.
call me selfish.
call me pretentious.
call me whatever.
since you've never been looking for someone to fill the void in your heart.
i was in the wrong place. the wrong situation. the wrong universe too, maybe. i don't know.
i guess second best is all i will know.
we spent the night talking about non domestic things that bore me the rest of dinner. then he twirled me around the room, all smiles and laughter, swaying me with "you'll always be beautiful in my eyes" as the music. and when he stared at me and locked his lips with mine, i squeeze his shirt, hoping the image of someone i've always wanted to forget betrayed my senses.
instead of his chinky eyes i saw her big ones. instead of his thin lips i saw her plump ones. i wanted to cry. i wanted to pull away, i wanted to run, look for her, because maybe it's never too late. maybe she's waiting for me out there. willing to forgive me. willing to fight for me one last time.
love of my life, what would you do if you were the one spending the night with me?
he lays me down onto the mattress of our bed, kissing me softly as he touched me with his fingertips she have already went to.
the world is too discriminating. they couldn't grasp the fact that a princess could be with a princess too.
and it fucked us up big time.
thinking about our future like we had a clue. never planned that one day we'd be losing one another.
the indian summer to my winter. the surprise center of a hard candy. she was all i was living for. something that could be my eternal happiness. my only sunshine. a dissenting eye and a few threats later, and we're gone. like a puff of smoke. like a hooked fish under the sea.
"jennie," jongin sighed as he kissed me once again, no longer interested by his affection. like i've ever had. but still i kiss him back, because i know we can learn to love someone too. even if our heart's beating for another.
selfish.
pretentious.
whatever.
i kissed him back now with more force, tasting her mouth when i shouldn't. picturing her on this mattress on top of me, loving me, looking onto her brown orbs as she repeatedly whisper "i love you"'s when i shouldn't. i shouldn't. i wouldn't. but i could.
i cried myself helplessly, with a shut mouth and a throbbing heart, and everything that is torture and agony. clutching her polaroid from our first date ten years ago.
"how could i let myself let you go?"
i couldn't fight my father. i couldn't turn my back around whom have given me a not-so perfect life in this antagonizing world. but i also couldn't fight for someone who has only given me happiness. whom i haven't felt pain within their arms reach. but i did.
"i'm sorry, i'm sorry,"
all i hope is to see her one day, happiness contouring her face. she deserved that, at most. she deserved to be happy, to be loved, to be cared, to be fought. she deserved everything i couldn't give her. i hope my apology of not being enough reached her. heal her.
but i've always been the selfish one. all i hoped had something to alter with. that i hope she thinks of me too when she kisses her, or when she ties her hair in a bun looking like her wife, like me. i hope she thinks of me when she cooks her customer's dumplings, i hope she thinks of me when she sees cats, or when she's capturing the horizons with her lenses. and most of all, i hope she still waits for me. i hope she's happy and content enough to wait for me.
maybe in our next lives, we'll find each other again. but it would still be nice that we'd meet the same way we did but the only difference is that we made it in the end. that we'll be with each other and then we'll have golden kids. i swear, i promise we'll meet again, in another life...
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requests are open!