Duplicity [h.s]

42

Performers, that's what they were.

Musicians—no.

Just performers.

They know how to act, because staring up at that stage as they did what they do so well was just a performance to an arena full of people that adored them. They knew how to play instruments, they knew how to sing, but after today I could never look at them as musicians again.

Today has felt like a never ending dream, it's eleven o'clock at night and almost near the end of the show. I have been awake for thirty six hours, and my eyes were burning. The things I've seen today left me so unsettled with everything around me because life felt so confusion.

Just last night I was pulling Harry out of a bathtub and I've been awake ever since. What has happened since then has been a roller coaster.

When we got back to the hotel, the guys arranged a new hotel room for me. I asked about the old room and what was going to happen, but they quickly told me it was all handled and cleaned up. I don't know by who or when, but they didn't elaborate before leaving.

I actually managed to shower and change before soundcheck, but I was too on edge to nap.

During soundcheck I kept to myself, drank an energy drink so I could get through it. I felt like I lost my window of sleep, but the second I get to the hotel I knew I would crash for a good twelve hours.

But also, I don't know if I'll be calm enough to rest. I've been very nervous ever since I saw my name written in crimson blood across my hotel room. Even knowing I'm moved to a new room doesn't help. I was scared to be alone, anyone like me would be. I'm not Harry or any other person working in the mafia, I'm an average person and I'm scared. I was dreading going back to the hotel despite my exhaustion, I just simply didn't want to be alone right now.

But as the show came to an end, I knew my alone hotel room was approaching. I was terrified to go back and possibly see more blood on the wall, another persons heart nailed to the surface even. Someone was after me and it made me have a constant pit in my stomach, worse then the one I've had since joining the tour. I didn't want the show to end, I didn't want to be by myself.

As Harry took his last strum of the black electric guitar, the lights went out and I knew the concert was over. My chest got heavy the minute I realized they were done.

I had to go back to the hotel now.

I swallowed and quietly walked back behind the stage, away from the crowds and to the green rooms. My mind was foggy the entire show, all I could think about was how nervous I am about my situation mixed with everything Harry and the guys told me today.

I've barely thought about all the stuff they told me at that warehouse, surprisingly it's been the last thing on my mind.

I walked through backstage to my dressing room, making sure not to run into anyone along my way. I felt nauseous, nerves were getting the best of me.

I walked into my room, shutting the door behind me and enjoyed the open air of the empty space. I took a quiet breather while gathering my stuff, dreading the fact I was going back to an empty hotel room where madness may or may not await. I packed up my equipment in the duffle bag, checking my phone really quick.

I really wanted to call my grandmother, I needed to hear her voice so badly right now. But I knew the minute I heard her voice I would just cry. The amount of overwhelmed emotions I was feeling was too much for a phone call with her. The hardest part was I couldn't tell her about any of this, so therefore I can't call her.