My made up song

chapter 13

                                                                                  Katsuki Pov

I pulled Grey sweatpants up Izuku's pale legs, stifling a yawn as I did. Basil colored eyes stared intently as I dressed his tiny body. He had lost weight and as worried as I was, I knew better than to bring it up in more than just passing. Anything could set him off and on days like today, there was no way of knowing exactly what would push him even further over the edge. I think we'd both had enough for the day.

Still, his gaze was somewhat encouraging considering eye contact was rare nowadays. Normally after incidents like this, not that anything this drastic had happened, he refused to look at me or Uraraka. I offered him a smile, but even I knew it was shaky and unconvincing. I felt horrible about it, but I was only human after all.. It was hard to keep this act up constantly, things weren't okay. I was scared for him. I worried for him, and I wanted him to be okay. Knowing he wasn't.... It made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I wanted to do more, to be more. But I was already giving him every part of me... I had nothing left to give that I hadn't already.

A slow tear leaked from his eye, swimming through freckles and dripping down too sharp jaw. I swiped it away, pressing a gentle kiss to the tip of his pink nose. My eyes fluttered gently, finding safety in the haven of my closed eyelids. He sniffled, nose twitching against my lips.

I moved my lips to rest against his forehead, pressing another gentle kiss there. I let my fingers rest on the back of his neck, stroking gently at the absence of hair there. The shorter look was cute, I had to admit. It reminded me of the way he looked in high school. Adorable, sweet, soft... young.

It was a drastic contrast from the dark bags under his eyes and the hollowness of his cheeks. Something so youthful and lively, resting atop of several years of trauma and stress. He wore it better than anyone else could, still as beautiful as the day I laid eyes on him all those years ago. Only now, he was missing pieces of himself. Pieces that were taken away from him with no permission. Pieces that would never be repaired, or replaced. He was an incomplete puzzle, beautiful and intricate in his own quizzical way. I wanted nothing more than to offer my own pieces, and pray desperately that they could fill the holes in him.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I wanted to just feel him. I wanted to hold him and pretend he wasn't physically wracked with sadness. So I slid my arm behind him, winding it around his back and holding him flush against my chest. I held him tightly, trying to ignore the notches of his spine digging into my arm. Trying to ignore the way his shoulders were shaking, the way his fingers were twisting tightly into my shirt. It was like he was afraid I'd disappear, like he needed to hold on as tightly as he could or I'd melt away into nothingness. I hated that he didn't know I'd never leave, but how could he? Everything he had ever loved had hurt him. I was no exception, I'd hurt him every day when we were younger. As much as he could say he forgave me, I was a part of this. I contributed to this hell he was in and I couldn't pretend to be some sort of... salvation to him when I helped fucking put him here.

I guess I hadn't forgiven myself.

Not for what I did to Deku. Not for my absence when he needed me. Not for letting his abuser get to him again. Not for pretending everything was okay while he was struggling... I was a part of the problem.

"K-kachaan..." izuku spoke quietly, voice barely above a whisper.

I forced myself to open my eyes and look at him, he stared up at me through his lashes. His bottom lip wobbled as he struggled with what he was about to say. I was shocked to even hear him speak, normally on bad days his voice didn't make an appearance and I tried not to push.

"I-i... I know that i'm a lot to- to handle now... If you didn't w-wanna be with m-me.. I would understand. I wouldn't b-be mad Kachaan, I love you and I know you deserve so much better than m-me... it isn't your fault that i'm d-damaged.. " he stuttered out. I was shocked at his words, and frankly they angered me. I hated that I was angry.. But dammit, I couldn't fucking help it. How could he even- what the fuck.

I ripped myself away from him, ignoring the shriek he let out as I did, my eyes glared down at his shaking form. I know I need to calm down, I was scaring him. He'd been through enough already. But I fucking can't. I can't.

Everything was finally catching up to me all at once, and I was angry. I was so fucking angry. I was angry that any of this ever happened to Izuku, I was angry that he didn't see how amazing he was, I was angry that I didn't have the power to fix this. I was tired, drained and feeling helpless. I can't take it anymore, God fucking dammit. Fuck.

I slammed my hand flat against the wall, the painting hanging against it rattling violently. Deku curled in tighter to himself, shrinking in size. Calm down, Katsuki. Look at what you're doing.

I took a deep breath, pinching my eyes shut tightly trying to calm myself. I removed my hand from the wall, opening my eyes and softening my glare upon seeing how shaken deku was.

I sighed, sinking down with my back pressed against the wall, hands gripping at the carpet beneath me. This was too much.

"Angel, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. It's okay." I spoke gently, opening my arms in invitation for him to crawl into them. He was hesitant, eyeing me warily before slowly walking over and sinking down into my hold. I pushed his head to rest against my chest, knowing the sound of my heart would calm him.

"There you go, baby. Try to match your breathing to my heart, okay? You can do it." I didn't say anything, just rubbing his back softly. Eventually, his breathing slowed down to it's normal pace. I sighed, leaning back until my head rested against the wall.

"Izuku.. You're not damaged. You've been hurt, and I'm so sorry that any of this happened to you. I'm sorry that I contributed to this pain, If I could take this away I would in an instant. Unfortunatly, some people want to leave their mark on others so much that they don't fucking care if it's a scar. You're supposed to leave people better than the way you found them... To help them learn, and grow. People shouldn't treat other people like they're disposable, like they aren't even people. Dammit, deku. You stupid, shitty nerd... how can you not see how important you are? How can you not see how loved you are, how much I love you." by the time I finished, the tears I was trying to desperately keep at bay were falling freely down my face. My body shook as sobs ripped through me, I clenched my jaw in an attempt to keep them in.

This was all too much. I can't take this anymore. It's too much. Everything hurts and it-it's too much.

I felt dainty hands scrape gently through my hair, and little kisses were pressing gently against my wet cheeks. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't want to cry in front of Izuku, I didn't want to worry him anymore than I already have. He had enough going on.

"I'm sorry, zuku.." I mumbled through my tears.

He shook his head, kissing my head. He smiled softly, it was beautiful. I hadn't seen a smile so gentle and sweet in weeks. The wall around my heart cracked at the sight.

"Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean you can't be too. My needs do not outweigh yours, hero." he mumbled. He stood, offering me his hand and leading us over to his bed. He pushed me down gently, pulling the covers over both of us.

My crying had been reduced to sniffles as Deku rubbed soothing circles into the skin of my back, under my shirt. My head rested against his chest now, a position so unfamiliar to the both of us. I wasn't used to being the one who was being held and comforted.

His words resonated with me though, and I realized how true they were. I was so ridiculous for thinking that I couldn't talk to Deku about how I was feeling.

You know, love was always something that seemed so transactional to me. You give and in return you are supposed to receive.. It was trivial, and only existed in movies or shitty novels.

But laying here, in the arms of the sun, I knew that love was the true definition of happiness. No amount of money, goods, or cars could ever extract this same feeling.

Feeling Izuku's love was the closest to heaven that I'd probably ever be. My angel, My sun, and all my stars.

We'll get through this together.