Poetry of thought

Pain

Falling on my bike and scraping my knee.
Getting an angry wasp stuck in my pant leg.
Jumping off a trampoline and twisting my ankle.
My brother accidentally throwing me into the headboard instead of my bed.
Stepping on a broken lightbulb in the dark.
Getting my thumb smacked by the car door.
Actually witness losing a long time family pet.
Having my first anxiety attack at 7 years old.
Being thrown friend group to friend group because no one could stand me that long.
Crushing myself into a corner crying from hearing my mother and brother yelling in the hall at 11.
The first cut that held no significance.
Being emotionally manipulated at 12 and continued until almost 14.
Being ignored in a new environment.
Being screamed at by who i loved most.
Seeing myself in a mirror and wanting to bleed.
Constant struggle of knowing this isnt good but not able to stop.
Self judgment on my previous actions.
Limiting myself to basic human functions.
The pain of not eating for 3 days.
The pain of distance.
The frustration of "There's nothing wrong now, why do I feel the same?".
Noticing how little affection I get.
The pounding in my head from them talking.
Guilt
Realizing I've built myself a prison.
Seeing every moment I fail.
Knowing that I have a better time without him.
Having a heart torn in two.
The feeling of knowing this isnt going to last.
Again, being screamed at by who I loved most.
Losing to myself every night.
Finding what i wanted and knowing i could never have it.
Missing when times were good, and knowing it wont ever be like that again.
Leaving.
The last goodbye.

Pain evolves as you get older. No one taught you that as bad as physical pain feels, emotional and mental pain can hurt just as bad. Some people are more prone to pain, some know not to hold firecrackers in a fist and light it. Pain comes with choices. Thats why im so indecisive. But I have always seen pain as a memory. It always ends eventually. Through all the pain I've felt, every decision I've made is worth it. Because all that pain led me to here. Alive. Happy. Ecxited.