6 March 1977
This morning I was on my way up to breakfast and Snape pulled me into the Potions classroom. He was really angry. He said Sirius and his friends tried to kill him. I don't know what he was talking about, and he wouldn't say. I told him it's nothing to do with me. Sirius and I don't even speak anymore. He says if he can't make Sirius pay for what he did, maybe he'll make me pay instead.
10 March 1977
Snape has been watching me. It seems like every time I look up, he's there. He knows I've seen him doing it, but he never says anything. Sometimes he smiles at me. Helly says I should ignore him, but it's hard not to notice when someone is watching you all the time.
12 March 1977
/I never meant/ /I'm not/ /I can't be/ Snape caught me coming back from Quidditch practice today. He dragged me into the Potions classroom again. I had my wand this time but he said he didn't want to fight. He said he was sorry about last week. He knows the things Sirius does aren't my fault. He just forgets himself sometimes because I look a bit like Sirius. Then he asked if Helly is my girlfriend. I told him we are just good friends. He said I was a nice-looking bloke and why don't I have a girlfriend? He came right up close and put his hand on my arm and asked if I'm like Sirius in other ways too. I told him I'm not queer but he just smiled and kept touching me. I don't know why I didn't push him away. I was scared. I didn't know he liked boys. I didn't know he liked me. He put his hands all over me and kissed me on the neck and asked if I was sure I wasn't queer. I asked him to stop but he put a hand between my legs and laughed because I got hard. /I didn't want him to/ He kept rubbing me there and kissing my neck and it felt good even though I was scared. Then he got on his knees and pulled down my pants and put his mouth on my staff. I thought I was going to die. I finished in his mouth. Before I knew what was happening he pushed me down over a desk and got behind me and stuck his staff inside my arse. I told him I didn't want to but he said it was too late to say no since I'd already had my turn. It wouldn't be fair. It hurt a lot even though he used some slippery potion. It still hurts. He says I'll learn to like it more the more he does it. He says I belong to him now. He says he really likes me and we'll do it again soon. I was sick after, when he let me go back to my room to clean up. I took a bath but I couldn't face going to supper so I went straight to bed. I wish Helly was here. I can't stop shaking. I still can't believe it happened.
15 March 1977
I don't know what to do. Since Sev and I were together, I can't stop thinking about him. I still don't know whether I liked it or not. It was scary and it hurt, but I got off on it, too. Does that make me queer? I don't want to be. I don't want to like him. He caught me in the library today, between the shelves, and made me put his staff in my mouth. It felt strange and tasted nasty, but after, he put his hand in my pants and finished me off. That wouldn't have worked if I didn't like it, would it? I like girls. That should mean I'm not queer, shouldn't it? I want to marry a girl and have children with her and make Mother and Father proud of me at last. If they find out I let another boy do things to me, it will kill them. If both their sons are queer, who will carry on the family name? I have a duty to give them an heir. Maybe they will let me marry Helly. The Fawleys are an old pure-blood family. Mother and Father should be pleased. They don't ever have to know about Sev. I haven't even told Helly yet. I wish I could, but I don't know what to say. She doesn't like Sev. I wish I could talk to Sirius. He knows all about queer things.
19 March 1977
I told Helly. She made me. She's known something was off with me for days. She's not pleased. She says she doesn't mind if I'm queer, but she doesn't trust Sev. She thinks he could be using me as a way to get to Sirius. I told her that's ridiculous because Sirius hates me. He hasn't spoken to me since Sev told the school about him. Why should he care what I do? I told her I think Sev really likes me. She says she just doesn't want me to get hurt. I love Helly, even if she's wrong about Sev. I know she's just looking out for me. She's the best friend I could ask for. I made her promise not to tell anyone. I talked to her about us maybe getting married someday, too. She says she'll think about it.
26 March 1977
Lupin knows. Sirius's Mudblood friend. I don't know how he found out. He said if Sev is hurting me, I should tell someone. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. Anyway, Sev doesn't hurt me much. Just sometimes when he's angry and he can't help it, or when he wants to put his staff in me. I haven't got used to that yet, but I'm trying. Lupin said if I was in trouble, he and Sirius would help me. He said Sirius doesn't hate me. I don't believe him. Mudbloods lie all the time. He was probably just trying to trick me into confessing about Sev. I asked him if he's been gossiping about me with Sirius, and he said he hasn't told him. I asked him why he would even care, and he said he cares because I'm Sirius's brother and he wants Sirius to be happy. He said he wished we would sort things out. I asked him if he is queer for my brother, and he said yes. I knew it. He's the one whose picture Sirius was tossing off over last summer. I told him not everyone in the world is queer, there's nothing going on between me and Sev, and he should keep his filthy thoughts to himself. I hope he won't say anything to Sirius. I don't want to cause a fuss or get Sev into trouble, just because he likes me. I don't want him angry with me.
13 August 1977
Sev came to the house today! I was so glad to see him. We barely got to do anything. I was so afraid that Mother or Father or Kreacher would catch us at it, but Sev wanted to celebrate, so I sucked him off quickly in my room. He's joined a Certain Organisation, just like we talked about. He showed me his Mark. It was incredible. He's so brave. I love him so much. When I told Mother and Father that Sev joined up, they were impressed. Mother says she's pleased to see that I am spending my time with right-thinking people. She and Father didn't say it, but they would probably be proud if I joined up, too. Sev says they won't take anyone who isn't at least sixteen and done with their OWLs yet, but as soon as I am, wild hippogriffs won't be able to stop me! Imagine me and Sev changing the world, side by side. I think it's exciting and romantic, but of course I didn't tell him that. He always laughs at me when I say soppy things.
