my thoughts

Not a He, not a She, just Me

(Ps: I wrote this some time ago, I changed my mind since then. I am now out as demigirl)

Hi. Here I am again. I am writing this down because I just reached a new chapter in my life and I'm very proud that I made it this far. So thank you for reading this.

The past few years were hell for me and I thought that it was because I wasn't very popular or that I didn't have a boyfriend, or some other stupid reasons. And I always had that feeling that people actually don't like me, you know. Like, they're always nice to me and I have a few friends but there was always that evil voice in my head saying 'you're not good enough', or ' behind your back they mess with you, they don't actually like you'. That stupid voice has brought me down so many times. And I was sick of it. So, I tried to find a solution, and after a long time of searching and starting over and trying new things, it hit me. My problem isn't that I believe that other people don't like me. My problem is that I don't like me.

And then came the second question. Why do I not like me? What is so wrong about me that even I did not like me? I was in that stage for a couple months and I couldn't figure it out. There was a point I just didn't know what I liked do to, or what my favourite food was anymore. I just couldn't tell if I liked something. I just didn't know. That made me even more insecure. It also made me realize that I didn't know who I am. I still don't, but I don't think that there is a single person who knows himself completely. But that's another discussion. So, after I figured that out, I started to question everything I did. The whole day I had this one thing in my head: Who am I?

A few weeks ago I found it. I had to go to a party and my grandma gave me a dress to wear. But I wanted to wear pants and a nice shirt or sweater or something. And my grandma said to me: 'It is an important party, so you have to wear a dress, because you are a girl' ( no hate to my grandma by the way, I love her with all my heart, she is the best you can wish for) And, automatically, I thought in myself: 'Then I don't want to be a girl'. And that thought got me to the next step.

I knew now for sure , it had something to do with my gender. I wasn't happy as just a girl. I don't want to be a girl. But ...I don't want to be a boy either. So I started thinking that maybe I'm genderfluid, you know. But still, I didn't felt whole, complete. Until I got homework about transgenders and others. And then I read something about being non-binary. And it just felt right. While I was reading that it felt like I was reading about myself. That person felt completely how I was feeling.

At that moment I knew it. I am non-binary. I'm not a boy, and I'm not girl. I'm just me. All these years I was desperate to find my label. The label that would say who I am. But the truth is, I don't have a label. And I don't need one. I am the only one that knows who I am and how I feel. This will confuse many people on my school or in my family, but that's okay. I'm a little weird and I may be wearing boy's clothes one day and girl's clothes the other day. They don't have to understand me. If they just accept that this is the real me then I can't be happier.

This is my story. Thank you for reading it. I still have a long way to go but telling all of you this helps me to accept myself and it is one of my first steps out of the closet. I hope that maybe telling my story, will help other people to tell theirs to. I know how hard it is in the closet, but somehow you have to find the courage to open the doors. It took me years to stop caring about other people's opinion so I hope you can do it better than I did.

Thank you. X

@Lisatje_Felton22