isolation (pillar men x reader)

touching, searching until your secrets come out

a/n throwing out another update so fast because i am ridiculously bored y'all don't even know. also- drinking game that might kill you, how many times do i start several sentences in a row with the same word? a warning, this chapter might be a lil' bit suggestive so if you're not here for that feel free to pass

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Routine was starting to drag on. The days began to blend into weeks as you repeated the same steps each morning, noon, and night. Wake up alone, get yourself ready alone, eat breakfast with Kars, wander around with Esidisi tailing you, eat lunch alone, perhaps chat with Wamuu, eat dinner with Kars, sit in your room and pace or exercise until you finally fell asleep. You weren't sure how much time had passed, maybe two weeks? You were tired all the time, though you felt you shouldn't be because you were doing nothing. Talking to the same three people over and over again was getting old. Wandering the labyrinthine halls of wherever you were was getting old. Every once in awhile you'd feel a surge of anger in you when Kars would sneer or Esidisi would make a rude comment about anything, even if the subject wasn't you, but for the most part you just felt apathetic. You still missed Caesar, you called out to him in your head every night, hoping that whatever deity out there, if there even was one, would redirect your desperate pleas for rescue to him. Nothing seemed to go through. Maybe your connection to the cosmos was blocked in here. Maybe there wasn't a cosmic cell tower near enough. 

Your dreams were still often troubled, though you never asked for Wamuu's comfort again after that night. Half of your apprehension to ask was out of embarrassment, the other half because you were afraid of your feelings for him. It didn't feel right to think of him as a source for comfort. So you hadn't. You conversed with him politely, but you kept your distance. He respected that, thankfully, and left you alone when he sensed you didn't want to talk. 

Currently, you were eating dinner with Kars for what felt like the thousandth time. Neither of you had spoken much the entire meal, instead focusing all of your attention on the plate in front of you. 

Finally, he spoke, "You've been reserved lately, (y/n)."

"I thought you wanted that," you fired back. 

"I changed my mind. It's boring now."

You just scoffed, continuing to eat. He watched you for a moment, considering crossing to you. You could see a look in his eyes, something akin to a mix determination or hunger. It sent a shiver down your spine. You finished your meal quicker, desperate to get out of his gaze. You waited for a moment once you finished, hoping he would say you were free to leave. He didn't. 

Instead, he smiled at you, "Come, I have something to show you." 

You sighed but stood, following him out of the dining hall. He lead you through the twisting hallway, you again tried to chart your path but eventually gave up after what felt like the seventeenth turn. At long last, he opened a door for you and you found yourself in a dense garden. Surprisingly, it was night time. You weren't sure when your schedule had flipped so you were awake at night, but apparently it had. Still, you were quickly distracted by the plants. A thin mist of rain coated everything, making the entire garden shimmer when the light from the door brushed across it. 

You couldn't help but gasp in surprise as you wandered a little further into another section of the garden. Flowers of every type grew somewhat wildly, covering every inch of dirt and grass. Tulips, daffodils, forget-me-nots; you didn't even know those could grow here! It was amazing. 

Kars watched you with a soft chuckle as you brushed your fingertips over the different types of flowers. It wasn't your fault, you couldn't help but touch all of them. The temptation to pick them was strong, but you figured that would be rude. He smiled as he knelt behind you, his hand overlapping the back of yours as you were awkwardly caressing a pretty red tulip. 

"Do you like them," he asked?

Your voice shook as you answered him, "Y-yes."

"Good. I hoped you would. They're all so beautiful aren't they?" he didn't give you a chance to answer before he continued, "But none of them are as beautiful as you are."

His change of character caught you off guard. You turned to him, blushing, and he grasped your hands in his. His hands were almost comically larger than yours, but his touch wasn't as harsh as it had been before. He ran his thumb lightly over yours, studying your hands intently. Having his attention made your blush heavier. You averted your eyes, opting to stare past him instead of at him.

"How could such an imperfect creature be so beautiful," he muttered, mostly to himself. "Tell me, (y/n), where did this little scar come from?"

You looked back down, seeing he was referring to the thin white line across the back of your thumb. Oh. "I stapled my thumb when I was younger," you admitted.

"Hm," he chuckled, running his fingers across a circle of red, raised skin on the back of your hand. "And this one?"

"Hand sanitizer. I used too much of it and it sort of, well, chemically burned me."

"Humans are so fragile. Staplers and hand sanitizer can harm you. It fascinates me how you all are so weak, but most of you seem so content with it. How can you bear it?"

His gaze was now fixed on yours, and your throat was tight with nerves as you shrugged, "I don't know. Being stronger just never occurred to me. I mean, I work out to gain muscle and all but in terms of making my actual skin stronger there's not much I can do, you know?" you were rambling, trying to look anywhere but in his eyes. You were blushing like mad by now and your gaze wandered briefly to his lips in your attempt to not meet his own gaze. You imagined for a moment what it would be like to kiss him. The thought left as quickly as it came, leaving you even more embarrassed. 

Suddenly his thumb was ghosting across your lips, his other hand tilting your head up so you were looking at him. You took a couple breaths in that position before he closed the distance. His lips met yours in a rush of heat, flaring up the blush that still had not managed to leave your cheeks. His kiss was surprisingly sweet and kind, and you weren't entirely sure how to feel about it. Of course you were enjoying it, but you were just waiting for it to turn sour. You pulled away first, out of breath. 

"Even your lungs are so small," he murmured before standing. 

You followed him up, unwilling to let this ordeal end so quickly. Standing on your toes, you braced one hand against his shoulder and let the other one cup his jaw and pull him towards you. You kissed him, and when he kissed you back this time he kissed back hard. His hands wandered, pressing into the small of your back and flattening you against him. He wandered lower, seizing control of the situation. You squeaked in surprise and he took the opportunity to move into your mouth with his tongue. The kiss was messier this time, your teeth clacked together awkwardly once or twice, but you couldn't deny it felt good. You pushed against him more firmly, but he pulled away preemptively. You whined high in your throat at the loss.

He smiled at you teasingly, "Later, (y/n). Now, which flower is your favorite?"

"Daffodils," you answered. 

He nodded and knelt down, severing a daffodil halfway down its stem rather aggressively. His aggressiveness faded when he returned to your level and tucked the yellow flower behind your ear.

"It pales in comparison to you," his voice carried a hint of emotion, the first you'd heard from him. "Even with your imperfections."

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a/n fun fact pt. ii i actually have a hand sanitizer burn from using too much while on a trip with my show choir whoops, my xreader became a little xme for a moment there :0)