isolation (pillar men x reader)

the noise becomes anger, and the anger is light

a/n before we start this chapter's even less edited than usual because i'm having a bit of a moment i'm sorry you can flame me in the comments if you want

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After your encounter with Esidisi, you lapsed back into routine. The next morning, you cursed yourself silently for not running when you had the chance. You should have taken your chances and ran. The overwhelming feeling of isolation was crushing you, you were shocked at how much difference just exchanging a few words with your coworkers had actually made in your life. Now, you were well and truly alone. Talking with any of the three was painfully awkward at best and nearly impossible at worst. You missed Caesar more than ever. 

One night (morning? this would never not be confusing.) when you were laying in bed trying desperately to sleep, you let your mind wander. How were things in the outside world? Was anyone searching for you? Had anyone turned off the lights in your apartment yet? Did you still own the apartment? Your mind drifted towards the worst case scenario, as it tended to do these days. You imagined that the world had forgotten you entirely. Your mind raced, your thoughts seemingly slamming against the back of your skull. Everything in your body ached, and you had the strong urge to shove your head under the entire mattress to let the pressure ground you. You just couldn't stop thinking. It was worse than any physical pain you'd ever been in. You begged your mind to stop as you replayed your life until this point. You wanted to sit up and fold yourself over into a pseudo-child's pose to cradle your head in your hands. God, you couldn't stop thinking. Usually you would drown out your racing thoughts with music, though that wasn't an option currently for obvious reasons.

You whimpered high in your throat, unable to stop the sound from escaping. Kars sat up straighter in the corner of the room at the sound and you cursed yourself again for drawing his attention. It was unusual for him to be the one to watch you while you slept, and it was just your luck that he was here tonight.

"(y/n)? Are you alright?"

You wanted to tell him no, to distance yourself from him, but you where trembling in your bed and you wanted so desperately to focus on anything but your thoughts. 

Oh god please shut up please stop thinking oh god when will it end please stop thinking

"No," you finally admitted, your throat dry.

He frowned for a second, but only for a second, then crossed to your bedside before kneeling beside you, "What do you need? I'm aware that you're more comfortable with Wamuu, but he's occupied at the moment so you'll have to bear with me for the time being."

Everyone hates you, even if you could reach out they'd just ignore you. Oh god please stop thinking please-

You swallowed thickly, trying to keep your voice from cracking, "Can you just talk? About anything. I just need you to talk."

He considered for a moment what to say. "Do you know what it feels like to awaken from a long slumber frozen in rock?"

"I can't say that I do."

"It's strange. You feel cold and stiff, and then suddenly you're able to flex your fingertips- which you barely even remember you have. Then, slowly, you can flex more muscles one by one. You start to feel warm again and then you feel blinding hot, as if your blood was made of magma. Then it's done, and you're standing upright in a place you barely remember. It's strange."

Your shaky breaths began to even out slowly, watching Kars' eyes glaze over as he described the process of awakening. You couldn't quite understand, but his talking was distracting you at least. Thank god. 

He cleared his throat and changed the subject, assuming he should continue talking since you hadn't told him to stop, "Enough of that. What else is there? Now, don't think me soft of heart for this, I am not, but my favorite memory is of a meadow in the night. I remember walking barefoot through the grass, feeling it's chill beneath my feet. I suppose that's why I care for the garden so much, to have a space to remember that feeling. What I wouldn't give to experience that with the sun overhead."

"Sounds wonderful," you said, trying desperately to hide the bitterness in your tone. But hey, at least being mad at him was better than being mad at yourself. 

"I'm not a cruel man."

Yes you are, you thought to yourself, though you didn't dare say it aloud. 

He continued, "I don't take pleasure in killing, but I do take pleasure in getting what I want. But let's not worry about that, now. I've forgotten myself momentarily. Are you well enough to sleep?"

"I suppose," you didn't want to agree with him, but you struggled to suppress a yawn and you knew he was right. 

You lie back on your side, drawing the covers tight over yourself and letting your thoughts turn to white noise as best you could. You felt Kars' hand hovering over your form for a moment. He did nothing more, he simply sighed and walked back to his spot in the corner of the room. 

Before you managed to fall back into your sort of half-sleep, you swore you heard him whisper something that sounded a lot like "beautiful," but you didn't have the energy or the desire to stop him and ask what he was talking about. 

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a/n: hhhn if your friends are ever ignoring you hit me up because mine are ignoring me too! yay for read receipts letting me know that i'm being deliberately ignored :0)

for the five of you who are interested, do y'all want to see some smut or should I keep this book fluff? i'm cool either way i just feel like i keep writing the same thing over and over again and i don't want y'all to get bored :( any thoughts?