ℓєттєяѕ тσ уσυ. ✉

letters to you. [4]

"Okay guys, I'm Pam and welcome to written therapy! I see new faces today so would anyone like to describe this activity to the newbies?" a old woman, maybe in her sixties, exclaims excitedly. "How about you Axel?"

"You write your feelings down on a sheet of paper, good or bad. I guess it helps validate your emotions and let's you get it out without verbally attacking someone."

"Great job! We will not share these unless you want to. No pressure guys. You may begin when you receive your paper."

I stare at the blank lined paper in front of me. I don't know what I am feeling at this moment. I guess I'm just tired of feeling. It's like I put all my emotions in a bottle and shook it violently. They're jumbled everywhere.

Pam comes closer to me and I feel obligated to write at least one thing down. Nothing seems to come to mind. Im so damn stupid.

"It's Shaelyn, right?" I nod. "I see you're having trouble. Why do you think this is so?"

"I-I don't want to feel."

"Awe, sweetie. Unfortunately, that's something we cannot control. It's sometimes a mind game. Feelings can be great and not so great, it's what you do to act opposite and change the emotion. I'm not going to ask why you're here, but there's a reason. Now put that reason into words. Express how you feel and why you feel that way. Express what's on your mind."

I thank her as she walks away. For her sixties, she's quite beyond her years. I glance over at Noelle's paper. She's almost ready to go on the back. I pick my pencil up and force myself to write.

I love you, Kendall. 29 more days till I come home into your arms where I belong. I know you don't mean to hurt me, I understand that. I just wish you had some effective way instead of me. But I made a promise to you. I remember when we first met and you stumbling into me, of course on purpose. I was instantly locked into those vibrant green eyes of yours. And now here we are, just a little bump in our relationship. But we'll get through it like we always do. You're my king and I can't wait till I become queen. I love you, forever and always. ✊❤️

I fold the note up, slipping it into my jean pocket. I couldn't wait till Thursday when I could actually give this note to him. To waste time, I doodle hearts and yingyang symbols all over the construction paper I found. It seemed like this group dragged on, and I hated it.

"Okay, times up! Would anyone like to share?"

It's quiet, but not the peaceful relaxing quiet. It's the awkward quiet. We're all like the island of misfit toys, everyone of us different and struggling with something in our lives.

"I'd like to share please," a thin girl raises her hand, which was black and blue. I admire her so much. She was brave and bold, something I could never be.

"What have I done to myself? I have not only lost twenty pounds, I have lost twenty friends, twenty years, and twenty times I could've been happy, but simply focused on my eating disorder. People tell me all the time that I am different from my disorder, but how could that be? I am the same person, feeling the same things. I am not different, I am one on the same. I wish I could love myself and see the progress I am making, but Ana will not let me. She's there every meal, every snack. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I want to be free from my eating disorder and that is why I am here. Recovery."

Everyone starts clapping, and I join it. She is beautiful and truthfully it hurts to know she doesn't think so. I sigh and glance over at Noelle's note. It was angry and deep, kind of like poetry. Noelle snatches my paper from my pocket, and I knew she knew I was reading her paper. She wanted to get me back.

"Shae wants to share!" Noelle announces as all heads turn towards me.

"No, no I don't! Give it back!" I yell, trying to reach for the paper. She was way taller than I was, opening the letter above my head.

"Noelle, give her paper back please. Would you like it if someone took yours?" Pam questions calmly walking towards us.

"Blah, blah, blah, bruises, blah, blah, blah, abusive-"

"Enough! Noelle, go into the hall way now. Kali will retrieve you."

I felt the tears form at the brink of my eyes, stinging painfully. I grabbed my paper and rushed towards the elevator. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Noelle was a miserable person, and she wanted everyone else around her to be miserable, too. At least that's what Pam told me. I just wanted to be home. I couldn't do another twenty nine days of misery.