Pariah

The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger

"Baby, you were my picket fence. I miss missing you now and then."

"Leave her. Stay here." Hope doesn't look at her when she speaks. She doesn't even really open her mouth to do it. She instead mumbled it into Melody's chest which she had been laying her head on.

They were in Hope's bed. For maybe the third time within the month. All morals having been sufficiently depleted. At least to the point where Melody regretted her encounters with Hope only half of the time.

She was essentially living a double life. Here in North Carolina with Hope one weekend, then back in Orlando with Ashlyn the next.

Melody is fine with knowing she's a horrible person.

She's stringing the women along with her like marionettes. Only, she can't control either of them. Nor herself.

Ashlyn deserved someone that was pointedly not Melody. She deserved someone that could look her in the eye without wanting to burst into guilt ridden tears. She deserved someone that loved her.

Melody knew that, and yet.

Melody knew that, and yet she was still trying to have the best of both worlds. The doting girlfriend on one hand and the intense love and passion on the other.

And that is not to say she doesn't think Hope could give her both of those things, it's to say she's terrified to let her.

So, she settles. She settles for safe and easy and loveless. There's no other way to spare hearts.

"Hope. You know I can't." Melody stared blankly at the ceiling as she spoke. The emotion and conviction lacking heavily. There was no real need for Melody to ever make eye contact with anyone ever again really.

"Why not?" She can practically feel Hope's eyebrows knit together. Though, any feeling of Hope against her fades with the words that leave her mouth. And she can feel her heart being pulled apart peice by peice just that much more.

And maybe she didn't think this through. She didn't plan for this turn of events. Her calculations could have never predicted this. Which, maybe was a mistake on her part because it seemed obvious now.

No matter what, someone was going to get hurt. And more often than not it seemed to be her who got most of that pain.

But it all seems a little too late for that revelation.

"Because, It's not fair to Ashlyn. I can't just leave her just because you're finally ready to act like an adult again." It comes out way harsher then she intended and isn't even what she meant to say. But Hope takes it at face value, like she does most things.

She's sitting on the edge of the bed. Her back facing Melody. It's not the first time that Melody notices the almost raw power that Hope exudes. It is the first time she actually gets to see the gnarly, still hot pink scar placed upon the tan skin of Hope's shoulder. It's the wrong time to reach out and trace it, so she doesn't.

Melody is getting deja vu.

"Yeah. You're right. Maybe it's best if you leave."

Melody is getting deja vu because she's been here before, but the roles have reversed. That trivial emotional constipation has plagued her. Melody is the bad guy now.

"Hope." It's essentially a waste of precious breath, because before Melody even finished the word, Hope is already shaking her head.

"Just go, Melody."

And Melody does, she doesn't even hesitate. Against worst judgment. Because she's been weak so far. Maybe it's time to be a bit headstrong. Time to have at least one moral, a stepping stone to gain all the others back. A moral that she'll use to fix this mess.

☆☆☆☆

The drive back to her own house is lonely and long.

But it gives her time to think. About what she wants. What she needs.

She thinks about how to be selfless and selfish in all the right places.

She comes to conclusions about realities that she doesn't really like, and don't make her feel at all safe. But they're right, and she knows that without any uncertainty.

She thinks about Hope and Ashlyn differently. She thinks about them with all of the above context.

She thinks about the things and the people around them.

She thinks she's done thinking. All there is left is to do. There's several bandaids that need to be ripped off.

Her couch isn't nearly as inviting or homey as Hope's. A realization she would have never admitted just three hours ago. However, it serves it's purpose.

She grabs her phone and makes a call.

"Hello?" The voice crackled on the other end.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I think I've been keeping your crush hostage."

"...How'd you know?"

"You weren't exactly subtle, Ali. I may be an idiot, but I'm not stupid." Melody scoffed albeit playfully. She had noticed the lingering looks, the longing, the yearning, it was fairly easy to recognize considering that's how she's sure she looks at Hope.

"I'm so sorry, Melody. I don't want to come between you two. I should have kept myself in check better."

"Don't apologize. I shouldn't have- I should have done a lot of things differently." Melody said softly. Ali probably didn't really know what any of that meant, and Melody was fine with not offering any further elaboration.

"Um, yeah. Um, that's all I wanted to say. Goodbye." Melody ended the call quickly and placed her phone down on the coffee table.

She ran her hands along her face harshly.

There were other things to fix. More loose ends to tie up. More sacrifices to make.

And she would happily do them, because what is perseverance, if not sacrifice? What was any passionate emotion without sacrifice?

Her phone chimed with a text message.

Ash: You coming down this week?

What was love without sacrifice?