Hum apne first year mein kitne dumb the.
Picture a curly haired boy along with about twelve of us huddled around a mattress covered with a tablecloth begin his inner monologue with that statement. Most people had alcohol inside them, there were fairy lights hung around the fan, fresh flowers inside alcohol bottles and a watering can, with an unopened bottle of ketchup with no onion, no garlic brought specially for me.
This boy, like the rest of us, was on his way to completing his fourth and final year of engineering, and when he spoke about how stupid he saw his first year self, everyone around the table began laughing. I CAN RELATE, the laughs were screaming.
Personally, the drunk sit down comedy along with a couple of people taking a smoke and half the people in the room being strangers was just not my thing. But I CAN RELATE, I internally screamed with the ghost of a smile on my face.
He spoke about everyday things. About haunted Tagore Room No. 99 because of a boy that took his own life. He vented about his roommate who had a cringey girlfriend, and claimed that their relationship was the most exhausting, blocking their 'I love yous and I want to fuck yous' over call was almost impossible. There were photos of the minimal space between their beds circulated. He spoke of the ever-stinking common bathroom and the single theater that sold tickets to English movies which would get sold at lightning speed. 'Imagine yourself waiting all day for the dessert that is going to be served never again in the rest of the month, only to have it stolen by your friends', he mourned over how they stole each other's dessert, keeping count where some people had multiple and others had zero. He told us about his asshole head of department who gave him ten letters of recommendation but began requiring buttering up for another five.
All this while, the rest of us were laughing.
'My roommate's first girlfriend who was equally exhausting was cheating on him three out of the four months they were together. He went to the gym and got another girlfriend. I am going to go to the gym twice a day this summer too. Then even I will get a girlfriend.' And we continued to laugh.
We were not laughing at his pain, but because there was so much we could relate to. We could relate to stealing each other's food in the canteen. We were all so stupid in the first year, excited about committees that really make almost no difference, taking group selfies, and trying so hard to be likable. Little did we know how little any of that mattered. We laughed because we all knew guys who went to the gym and tried to pick up girls. We laughed because we all had hard to deal with heads of department.
It did not matter that most of us belonged to different colleges, years, or that we were pursuing different fields of study. These kind of things were just the same.
All of this happened yesterday. Yesterday, I went to this small lunch organised by my once best friend. The food was great, and ambience too. In fact I fell in love with Spotify's Feel Good Indie Rock playlist.
But the people present over there, were the ones I never met again in my entire life.
---------- and there also co-exists ----------
Hi friends for more than 10 years now,
I miss you all.
Everything is changing too fast. I've been saying this to myself for a while now though, and sometimes to others since a month, but that feeling refuses to go away.
Things are never going to be the same, but some things will always be the same. We all may never be in the same city again. It has been 10 years since YJHD came out. We do our taxes now, apart from washing clothes and dishes. I'll be getting a car soon. People are dating now, and then they'll start getting married soon. How does all of this work?
I really miss home. I miss everyone being hyper. I miss being able to see everyone on a daily basis and having someone to wake me up at 8:30 in the morning because otherwise it is too late. Chatting with my mom at random hours of the day, getting annoyed at my dad for something stupid... I miss being able to just sit in the same room with my sister because that is mostly what our relationship consisted of and there's no way to do that anymore. All of you who have that right now, cherish it.
When you leave home to study, it's hard, but you're surrounded by people who have done the same, and in collective sorrow, you find comfort and friendship. When you leave the place of study to go work at an office, you're suddenly in a world where no one really cares. No one really cares about stuff other than finishing their day's work and moving on with their life... including you. And that's when it becomes important to have a life of your own.
What makes a life? To me that's always been the people living it with me. My home team is away now. Or maybe I'm a part of the away team. Except my team is tiny. I have a partner in crime (and everything else), but that's sort of it at the moment. I miss my friends, and it suddenly feels impossible to make new ones that I really like. That I actually have a good time with. And that makes me incredibly miss you guys even more.
I got my first paycheck by the way. And I wish you guys would have been there to celebrate with me.
This is hard.
Like I never knew it would be so hard to drive again. The left and right switch is affecting me more than I had anticipated. I even signal incorrectly. My foot presses too hard, and my braking breaks backs. Looking over my shoulder scares me because I'm worried someone will jump in front of me, or come to stop. Merging into fast lanes feels impossible. How did I do this so easily before? And why is it so hard to do again? Why does the inability to do it frustrate and make me feel stuck? Everything has changed and I don't know how to get back to normal.
Because the normal is new.
I hope I get used to it.
Lots of love as always.
---------- life changes ----------
You will update what you know about life every single day. Those updates will help you make better decisions. You will be stronger, wiser, and smarter. You will learn that being reasonable is better than being rational. You will learn that promises are not meant to be kept, and are just an expression of in the moment wishes. You will learn the importance of commitment - not in relationships, just general commitment - and also learn to deal with people who are unable to. You will face uncertainty, and learn to to take it in your stride, stop planning excessively, and learn how to react and respond better.
<3
