I was at Goa. So were Zeal, Tamanna, Agastya, Aarsh, and Sumeet. There were even more people present but it will take me too long to introduce them to you. We were looking for a club that felt safe, had good music, and good food. We were also not willing to pay an entry fee. These specifications made it even more frustrating to find the perfect place. It took some time - as much time as a trip to a grocery store plus deep car-conversations with cake takes - but we finally did.
All the clouds wanted to get done with their job a little early that day, or so it seemed, as the skies were pouring.
"I'm sorry but I'll have to park here. It's a little far, but everyone has a jacket or umbrella, right?" Sumeet said.
"Nope." Aarsh was the idiot who had no way to save himself from getting drenched. There was a little role reversal as Tamanna gave five star service to Aarsh in making one trip to get him an umbrella from Agastya, and a second escorting him for 200m till the club in a wind cheater herself. But we all managed to reach inside safely (and for most part dry).
I got rid of my shoes. We threw our windcheaters and umbrellas into a pile and began taking in the atmosphere. The music was amazing. The DJ had a bell that he rang at the perfect moments, and all you felt like doing was getting up and dancing. There was no one on the dance floor though.
The boys called for some vodka. Two out of the four of them were designated drivers and none of the girls drink, so a large pitcher was on the table just for them. It looked really cool because it was this icy blue, the colour that mesmerising eyes are supposed to look like. Tamanna decided she wanted to try the vodka. Another friend did as well. I was mildly surprised because as I said before, neither of them drink. The tables eventually turned, people drinking were a majority now, and I did not know which side I wanted to be on.
Rev, you are not going to drink, I told myself.
The only time I have consumed alcohol was a sip when I had Malaria in the eighth grade, and that too was Doctor's Brandy which I can barely remember. But with how alcohol has been normalised now, I was tempted. And with most of my friends drinking, I was even more tempted.
"I am in a moral dilemma." I walked up to Zeal and whispered in her ear. I was afraid to say it loudly, because while my friends are absolutely amazing and would never make me do something I did not want to, if they got even an inkling of an idea that I wanted to drink, they would have tempted me even more.
"What happened?" she prompted me to go on.
"I really feel like trying some. But I don't know that for sure. And while I don't want to try before I have decided whether I want to drink in life or not, this would be the perfect time to drink if I decided that I wanted to drink later on."
"I can't really help you here Rev. It's your decision to make." she was barely looking at me as she spoke.
My eyes were on the glasses of vodka. I did not know what I wanted to do. A very fun song came up. Zeal dragged Tamanna to the dance floor. I felt compelled to join them for once. So I did. Everyone else slowly joined in, both people that we knew and didn't. It felt unreal that Zeal and Tamanna were the ones to have got everyone moving. We as a group never thought of ourselves to be the cool kids that everyone wants to be. We're the group of sincere kids that every parent wishes their kids spoke to, who somehow got stuck together, and will now never leave.
Agastya and Aarsh disappeared. We kept dancing and eating. They came back and told us how the slight drizzle felt amazing on the beach, and how they took a dip in the water and it felt great. We could not resist from the way that they explained it. Screw the rain, we thought, and walked through the other end of the club out of a door to be greeted by empty shamiyaanas due to the rain.
It was one of those perfect moments. Soft music from inside could be heard, but was overpowered by the sound of waves. There was sand cushioning my feet, and rain flicking on my entire body. We looked gorgeous. We were happy. If I was crushing on anyone, this would be the moment when I'd take their hand and run along the sea to get farther away and walk hand in hand with. But I wasn't really crushing on anyone, so I skipped around and spun a little. I looked at the sky and went closer to the waves to let them try and catch my feet.
"I think you should just do what you want. Do you want to drink? Then drink. Decide and try to understand what it is that you want. Also, is it a one-time thing? Do you think it will get out your system once you do, or will you be tempted to further as well? You need to know your reasons for doing what you are clearly." Zeal came by my side.
"But I don't know yet! That's the issue." I complained.
Tamanna joined us, and we made Sumeet click some extremely blurry photos. We looked more drunk in them than the others who actually were. It was just so peaceful and relaxing being there, I did not want to go back in. Why was I ruining my peace and fun in trying to make a decision on alcohol? It could wait.
And so I let it be. And in letting it be, I invariably decided to not drink that night.
"I can't believe she tried vodka today. She's always so conservative, and that makes it even harder to process." I told Tamanna a few hours later, referring to my friend who tasted alcohol for the first time.
But who was I to question or make a comment like that? And who is anyone to judge someone based on the decisions that they take?
Take decisions that are difficult and don't bother justifying them to anyone. Like my friend did, irrespective of what people think or might say (without intending any ill or judgement too the way I did), you have to stick to what you decide because that is what you want to do. It is difficult to go against authority. It is difficult to do things where you do not get validation from people whose opinion matters to you. It is difficult to trust yourself completely.
On the other hand, sometimes the most difficult decisions are the ones where you don't decide at all. Like in this case, where I stayed in the feeling of how I was feeling and decided to postpone making the decision in the first place. It is hard to live in the grey areas. It is hard not knowing stuff and waiting to get clarity. It is hard to keep it in your head, and deal with that uncertainty. When someone is upset with you and refuses to talk to you, maybe the way you see it you're right, and it is hard to tell that person that you believe in what you are saying and their being upset is something that is valid too.
There is no absolute right and absolute wrong. I don't even know who decided those absolutes. Lying is wrong, but are there times where it is okay to lie? Are there times when it is okay to be harsh or rude if you claim it is for the betterment of the other person? It's hard to decide what is right and what is wrong for you. Where do the morals blur, and do they blur in the first place? For me at least, those decisions are the hardest.
So give it a good thought, take your time, and take decisions that are difficult. Just keep in mind that responsibility for the decisions you take and their consequences are things you will have to deal with too.
