I haven't left the couch in a couple of days, except Ryland made me take a shower. He told me I would feel better after I washed everything. He was kinda right but the feeling better didn't last long.
I could eat a little bit. I was eating like lunch every day and that was about it.
Dad still made sure I took my anti depressants every day but I didn't feel anything yet.
"Hey, Lane." Dad sat next to me and I gave him a small smile. "Talk to me."
"About what?" I asked.
"What's up with you? You only wear my shirts and shorts, you still aren't feeling any better? You've been sitting here for days." He sighed after he spoke.
"I just don't have the energy to move. Your clothes are comfortable and it just hurts to try and do anything."
"What hurts?" He tried to get more out of it.
"It just whenever I try to do anything I feel like I mess up. And it hurts because I feel like I'm not doing anything good enough. Like I can't even eat right because if I don't eat exactly right I throw up." I tried to explain. "And other than that like I just don't feel anything. I want to." My voice cracked. "I want to be able to have fun and hang out and eat but I can't."
"I know." Dad gave me a side hug. "How about this. Go take a shower and change your clothes. You can still put on what you've been wearing but change. Then we can go take a walk in the backyard."
I agreed, and went upstairs to my bathroom. I took a shower and I stood there for a little bit. Dad had temporarily taken my razor out of the bathroom until he thought that I was okay. I poured my shampoo onto my hand and put it on my head. I tried to rub it in and actually clean my hair. I rinsed my hair and put conditioner on my ends. As my conditioner set, I put my soap on the loofah and tried to scrub my body. I lost focus and scrubbed a little bit too hard on my leg, ripping the skin a little bit. I cursed at myself. I rinsed my hair and made sure I felt clean before I stepped out of the shower. I washed my face at the sink and brushed out my hair. I brushed my teeth and tried to dry off my hair more before I left the bathroom. I wrapped my towel around me and walked to dad and Rylands room, the door was open, and I grabbed a hoodie of dads. It was from Rylands new merch, the tea cup with his name above it, and I really liked the color. I went back to my room and made sure I was completely dried off. I put lotion all over my body then put on my Nike shorts and the hoodie. I slid on my white vans and walked downstairs.
I did feel a little bit better.
I saw dad in the kitchen when I came downstairs.
"That's better. Do you feel better?" He kissed the top of my head and I nodded. "Here. Ryland made it for you." It was my green tea with lemon. It was pretty much all I had been drinking.
"Thank you." I managed to say, my voice cracking.
"Let's go walk."
We went into the backyard and walked around in circles pretty much.
"I want to be able to feel better." I told dad.
"I know. You have to work for it a little bit. I'm gonna help you." He promised. "I'm trying my best. I'm going to try to get you to take showers everyday. It doesn't help you if you're sitting doing nothing. Then we're gonna try to walk outside every day to get you out of the house. You're doing good about eating, it's not your fault if you just can't eat all of it all the time."
"Can we have a movie night tonight?" I asked and he nodded.
"What movie do you wanna watch?" He replied.
"Can we watch Perks of Being a Wallflower? I saw it on Netflix the other day."
Dad made a face, "Maybe we'll watch that one another day. Maybe it's not the best right now."
I sighed. "Can we watch Frozen?"
Dad, Ryland, Morgan and I settled on the couch and I wrapped a blanket around me. I lightly sang along to the songs and picked at the popcorn that Ryland had.
Maybe normal was coming back.
