Intemperate Love

I'm really bad at this, by this I mean really everything but it's not my fault. I have this problem that I can't seem to fix, it needs to be fixed like as soon as possible. You're asking me why should I fix it ? well it's because I can't control it and anything in your life that you can't control is a problem! Well that's what my father said constantly on those nights he would....you know what let's save that for later. Personally I understand that I possibly could be the problem, you know maybe it's not even this "thing" it's just me and my lack of composure regarding it. I wake up everyday look at myself and I am not happy. Why? I'll tell you why because I want love, I deserve love! I am entitled to be someone's special person but it just doesn't seem to work. By saying it doesn't seem to work I mean I haven't tried, don't laugh at me. I'm shy, a coward I suppose for the thing that I want most. There are many complications, the list is long but I will name a few. I am not at all talented in the field of swaying or persuasion as some might call it, I can't put together more then four words when I'm in the lovely presence of my biological counter part and I'm....I'm.......I'm simply boring. I bore myself even, what on earth is there about me that could be interesting and hence why I say I haven't tried. I know you're thinking "don't put yourself down so low" just keep trying right? I'm sorry but as much as those words of encouragement are supposed to help me they don't. I still dream though, I definitely dream my mind takes me to a place where I find myself in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, I would sleep all day if I could just to see her smile.

This girl that I'm dreaming about....she's real like she's the real deal, I can see her but I can't touch her and I can't love her. Just kidding I'm in love with her, I'm madly in love with her. Every-time I see her my heart loses control and it beats like really fast, she makes me nervous. She has these really amazing eyes, the moment you lock eyes with her you feel safe. Like nothing can hurt you and then she invites you with her smile and her presence. She's got this golden brown skin that glows spectacularly in the sunlight. Her voice is soft, she's very well spoken. She says words that I sometimes don't understand when I listen to her talk from across my yard. I've never understood her but I feel like I've known her my whole life. This one time she waved at me and I fell out of the tree in which I was staring at her from, I broke my arm!My dad was really pissed, he hates when I stack up bills for him to pay since we can't afford insurance.

My dad really doesn't like me...he says I remind him of my mother. He's hurting because she died and left me behind for him to take care of alone. He was never good at being a father but she was teaching him. He would always say "I'm not good at this" I guess you can understand where I got that from. It's not that my mom died, she wasn't taken by god...she was murdered,killed whatever you want to call it. I am traumatized yes but mainly because her body was dumped in front of me by a dark blue van on Sunday July 24th at 4:56 pm. The vans windows were tinted and on the back door there was a cross on it, it was pretty old and parts of it you could see the paint corroding, the back tire needed air as well and the drivers all had country accents. I heard 6 voices in the van and a man with a golden tooth and a scruffy black beard I could see stick his head out and smile at me. As if he was proud of his delivery service to my doorstep. I remember not being able to move, I could only stare. Her neck was slit, her body was "maimed". I was too young to understand that word but I remember seeing it in the newspaper when it was published. She was half naked, there was bruises on her head. Almost like a baseball bat was used, there were rope marks around her neck that were blueish purple like she had been hung and strangled countless times , Her arms and Feet had holes in them. The reports included forced entry in certain area's of her womanhood and her Hijab had "Christ will save you" on it. They labeled it a "hate crime" before you ask...yes I am a Muslim.