Intemperate Love

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My name is Ashad, yes As-hud if you want to pronounce it perfectly. I really don't mind either way, I'm 22 I think or I'm turning 22 I'm not sure. My birthday isn't that special, I see a lot of people celebrate it as a day of importance but in my household we really don't get into that kind of stuff. I was however born April 3rd in Chicago and stuff but now we live in Georgia. I have this thing..um this thing I don't know how to really explain it to you. It's a condition that I..um..I was born with and I..I..think it was called CAD...that's right it's CAD. It's an extremely dangerous heart disease and it's lethal. I was supposed to die, I wasn't meant to live past 1 week but here I am 22 years later. The reaper is really upset with me. That's ok though when he's ready to take my life away..I think..I...um...I think I'm ready to go. I don't have much to live for, the best person in my life was stolen from me. My mom yeah my mommy was my best friend and stuff and she would always say "ashad you are a very special boy" I think about her and when I do I hear her say that. I cry so much and my dad gets really angry when I do that. So I'm not supposed to cry, I hide from him when I do. He says I'm not allowed to be sad when he's the one that has to deal with me. He thinks I'm really dumb and.....he thinks...that I..I...don't know that he blames me for her passing. I don't understand why but he reminds me often how much of a worthless person I truly am. My existence is nothing but a constant reminder of how much "life has fucked me" that's what he says when I'm asleep. I don't sleep often because my mind tortures me. It's been doing that since that day that her body was dumped out in front of me. The doctor person says that I..I...am traumatized and that's a big word I didn't know but I've learned it now. When I sleep I have nightmares of her staring at me lifeless and on the ground. She asks for my help in these dreams and says "why didn't I help her" I typically scream out in the night and wake my dad from his sleep.

He gets really mad about that too, after he calmed me down one night he waited for me to sleep. He went downstairs and came back up. I could see his shadow at the door in my room because I was still awake. He was just standing there with a knife in his hand. He walked over to my body and I closed my eyes because I..I.....I..was really scared. He said "I don't know why you exist, why do you torture me with your problems, you should've been dead. I have no idea why god let you live this long and I hate you more than anything else in this world and that whore of a mother of yours left me to deal with you". His voice was very low but I heard every single word. He raised the knife and I could hear the frustrations with the way he was breathing. I think he really wanted to stab me but he walked away and said "you're going to die anyway, I just have to wait on your heart and if god gave me any fucking blessing when it comes to you it's patience ".

I think to myself most of the times when I'm alone. I think about her, she's so special. I also think she deserves to be happy with me. I don't know why but I think I'm the only person who can really protect her. She doesn't deserve to be sad but that's one thing me and her have in common in some cases. We are both sad and she hides just like I do when she cries. She runs to her backyard during the night after she sneaks out from the back door and she cries, for hours on end. She's 20 this year I think, I'm not sure though. When she cries I get sad too, I don't know why she's going through that stuff. Her father, he's not a very nice man, he's a really mean guy. He does these things to her, that a father shouldn't be doing. She's abused that's a word I learned from reading the article about my mother. Sexually and physically, her mother can't see she's blind. That's the correct word or visually impaired. I learned that word from this magazine I read at the doctors. It means your eyes are not very good. Her mother does not live with them anymore, I'm not sure what happened to her but I don't see her coming outside to sit in the front porch anymore. I see the dad all the time, he gives me weird looks. I can tell he doesn't like me but it's ok really I don't like him either. I know he touches her and things, I saw them one day in the backyard. She was reading her books because she loves to read. She's super smart unlike me but he came from behind her and started to grope her..I..I..think that was the word.

She looked very uncomfortable and he continued to force himself on to her, he pushed her out of the chair into the ground and he stuck his tongue out and began to kiss her. She was fighting really hard but he didn't care. He almost seemed to enjoy the fact that she was fighting against him. When she punched him in the nose he smiled and licked the blood off and he punched her back. She fell into unconsciousness and he began to have his way with her. As he pulled down his pants and hers I yelled at him and said "don't do that, that's bad". He looked up at me and smiled, I fell back and was really scarred. He smiled the same way that man did who dropped off my mom. He pulled her unconscious body into the house as she came back into consciousness. You're possibly asking why she didn't scream. I'm sorry I forgot to mention she's deaf and never learned how to use her voice. When she did scream nothing came out and I could see the tears falling from her eyes and just like that so did mine.

"The world isn't a nice place" my mom always used to say. I never thought it to be that nice really but when I saw her face I felt that it was. Every day that I looked at her I fell in love even harder then the day before. Even on the days where her eye was bruised and her face was swollen, I saw nothing but the absolute beauty that she's always had. The way I feel transcends the love that I've read about in books and I've seen in movies. When I'm afraid of things I think about her and I..I...feel much calmer. I get really mad about the things that her dad does to her, I don't like him. I hate him so much and my mother told me I should never hate anyone. I can't help it, when I think about him I just want to shoot him multiple times in the face and I..I..I know that's really bad but my rage can't be controlled. He shouldn't be doing that to the love of my life. That's mine, she belongs to me and nobody else and for him to do what he's done I will never forgive him. They have a real big tree next to their house and it's leaves have all fallen. It's almost October and all the leaves have fallen into people's lawns he's very frustrated and doesn't want to rake them. That's ok I'm going to offer to do it for him so that I can get closer to her. I'm sure he won't be able to resist as he is an extremely lazy person. He's old and relies on SSI checks, he doesn't even work. I know you're wondering why I would help him. I read books like her and in the books in order to save the princess you must first slay the monster. My plan isn't to help him, I'm going to kill him....and I'm going to make sure he suffers. Hopefully I...I...get to see a lot of blood.