Intemperate Love

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You want to know another weird thing about me? Do you? Do you really? Ok I'll tell you since no one else will listen anyway. I often find myself apologizing, I've had to say I'm sorry a lot to my dad and I used to say it to my mom. When I made a mistake or when I made dad mad at me I would say "I'm sorry". If I'm going to tell you the truth I shouldn't hold anything back. I'm not apologizing for what I did, I'm
apologizing for my existence. I really am sorry for it , my mommy always said "when you hurt someone you should apologize" I've hurt my dad a lot. I also hurt the love of my life a lot too. I can't protect her from that monster of a man she calls her father. How can you exist to hurt your own creation? On TV I learned the role of the father is the protecter and provider of the family but when it comes to their daughters it's extra. The love is at a higher level then that of the son. So why? Why does he continue to do these things? I first didn't think he was a bad person. He's been doing these things to her since she was 9 years old, I've been watching from that same window for years and the first couple years that it began she was ok with it. She was ok with the things he told her to do, he would ask her to touch on his private areas often and she would look shy but she would do it and he would be very happy. I...I...I thought this was a good, my mommy always said "good things make people happy" so I figured what she was doing was a good thing. Down the line as she grew older I saw she was..um..she...she..was uncomfortable, I'm sorry I really struggle with that word sometimes. She would start to seem very sad when she had to do these things to make him happy. I didn't understand it, I thought she was doing something good since he was happy but she wasn't. I thought to myself that she should be happy, I think I was wrong.

I was homeschooled, I did not go to that school place that I see on TV. My mommy was my teacher and I was learning really good with her. After she died, I lost my teacher and had to learn by myself. It was really hard. My dad didn't put me into school because the doctors told him that I was mentally unstable and this was due to the extreme Trauma word that I said earlier. Is what he told me but I learned by myself later on it was because he couldn't afford to put me through any schooling. My family we are super poor, like really poor and stuff. When we had mom we were doing ok, she and dad worked hard together and were happy. Believe it or not dad was the actual person who bought all of these books that I have. He made me my own personal library, he used to say "I love you son, I'm proud of you" he doesn't say that stuff anymore. Yes I do miss it because it felt good. The things that he says now don't feel so good. I really don't know how this good and bad stuff works. I wish mommy was here to teach me but she's dead. When she died I felt really sad, death is a bad thing because it makes people really sad is what I read about. However I feel like that depends on who you are, I've watched a lot of Television and I've seen people murder other people and be happy. Does that mean it's something good? I said no because the person they killed had people that are sad that they died but that doesn't mean that it's bad right? Because it makes one person happy and another person sad. The guy with the gold tooth who smiled at me when they dropped off my mother's body did a good job. I think because he was really happy but I was sad. I've been wondering if it's only a bad thing if you don't consider the people who are affected. They killed her, it was bad because they didn't think about me and dad. If they would've thought about us it would've been good I think. I say this because I'm going to kill her dad, her is that girl that I love. It's a good thing to do because if I kill him she will be free and won't be sad anymore. I am also taking into consideration her since she is the person that would be affected. I went to a therapist once and he said I shouldn't think like this, she was killed by her husband. She did that thing when you have your way with another person that is not your lover. I...I...I...think it was called "cheating". Yes that's what she did and he killed her because she didn't consider how it would affect him. I think it was a really good thing. So for the love of my life I'm going to do something good for her.

I've only had two interactions with her and it was that day that she waved at me. I still have the cast from the hospital in my closet. She signed it for me, her mom and my mom we're good friends. She was able to come over and sign it for me, her name is Ayala. I don't know how to say it and you shouldn't try either. She smelled like how I thought girls should smell. She smelled pink I think. I don't remember, I hate that I don't remember.It's crazy to think about the 20+ years that we've had together. I smile and say "Alhamdulilah" that is how you are supposed to thank god in my religion. I don't talk to god anymore though, people do a lot of stuff that is bad for god and I don't want any part of that. I'm a good person and I can't do anything wrong. My mommy told me by the way if you were asking. She said "ashad you are a very good boy, you never do nothing wrong" I was happy when she said that and I smiled. Everyone else seems to be so wrong but I'm right and that's why I love Ayala so much. My love for her is the truth. It is a culmination of everything in this world that is pure and genuine. I learned that word this week, it means basically the highest level of something. My love for her is high and that is why our fate lies in the sky and amongst the stars is our destiny. I'm very handsome, yes my mommy told me. Handsome people don't do bad things so I don't know why I'm so worried about my plan to kill Ayalas dad. I think that my brain is saying it's bad but that's impossible, from what I've learned I'm right and I can't let this stop me. I've been practicing to go out and see her dad and I'm getting good at it. "Hey Mr do you mind if I can rake your leaves for you" yes that's what I'm going to say to him and then I'll stab him with a knife. No no that's not good. That's a lot of blood but it's not the way the guys in the books and movies would do it. I need to save her in a way in which I look like her knight in shining armor, so I have to be careful. I also need to take his death into consideration as something serious otherwise if I kill him that's wrong. My head hurts this is the most thinking I've done in a really long time but I'm ready.

Ayalas house is bigger than ours and isn't as old. I've noticed how much repairs they get though. Their foundation isn't as strong as our old house. Foundation is the stuff that makes up the house and holds it together by the way. I learned that last week. I put on my blue collar polo shirt today. I look nice, my hairs not nappy and I combed it. I'm not going to kill him today I'm just going to ask and see what he says hopefully he answers. I don't want to stand there if he doesn't answer. I think I'll be mad if he doesn't answer. Ok I'm going to be really mad if he doesn't answer. He shouldn't be selfish enough to not let me kill him but that's for later anyway. Every time I walk down stairs I hear the television on and the same cooking show is always playing. Dad doesn't even watch that stuff he just uses it to fall asleep. He snores so loud, I hate it I wish I could stop it permanently. Actually.........no never mind I can't do that to dad. He's always so tired but it's good that he's not awake otherwise he wouldn't let me go out. He hates when I go outside because people know I'm his son. I'm pretty sure the world thinks I'm dead but that's ok, I'm pretty dead on the inside I say that's close enough. I made sure to leave the door open just a little bit so I don't make noise when I get back. Outside is so nice out, it's gloomy and I love that. There's no cars around so I was able to walk over to her house pretty easily but while walking over I heard noises. It was weird and then heard pans dropping, something was going on in their kitchen. Before I got to the door I heard her dad scream out, he's crazy though he always screams. I got to the door I knocked and no one answered but the wind pushed the door open. I guess it was unlocked. That's god definitely having my back, even though I don't like him. I walked in slowly and the house was empty like a ghost lived there. I saw pictures of their family everywhere and Ayala as well. I stood and stared at her beautiful smile. I then yelled out
"Hello!"
"Mr are you there ?"
No one answered me and that was very rude. I walked into the kitchen and the first thing I saw was Ayala sitting in the corner with a knife in her hand and her dads body across from her with multiple stab wounds in the face and in the stomach. Ayala was covered in blood like she bathed in it and she was shedding tears. She looked beautiful but I think Ayala did something really bad. Yes she did something really bad.