Intemperate Love

Soulless

I'm here listening and still feeling like this is a dream. The love of my life is hear conveying her love for me that I had no idea existed. I thought it was entirely one sided, this may possibly be the greatest moment of my life. I'm speechless in my head but after she said I love you I'm not sure I was listening as much I just knew her lips were moving. She's saying my name so familiar as if she's known me her life. It sent chills down my spine, my heart skipped a beat. This is real...I'm here holding her and she's here telling me that everything I thought about, every dream I ever had of her and every single emotion I was able to muster towards her was valid. I...I...I don't know what to do but I can't fail in this situation to take control. Her voice is so precious, she didn't rush and everything she said sounded as if she meant every word. I'm shocked but I'm so happy I can't explain it. This was my dream, this was my goal and all my ambitions that I ever had were dedicated to her and a moment like this. I never thought she would say that she loved me the way that she did, I'm so full of joy at this point that I don't know what I should do. This is my person and no one else could ever make me feel as safe as she has. She's made me feel perfect, I feel like shedding a tear but I'm not sure how appropriate that is why do I feel like that? Was I always a failure...well that's at least how my dad made me feel. He pressed me to realizing the perspective the world already placed on me, yet here I feel that I'm something worth it and I'm someone that deserves this love I've entitled to myself. I always wanted justification for these feelings I've had for her and here they are being validated by her. My heart doesn't even hurt anymore, this is the first time it's felt like it's supposed to...back to those times when mom was alive....I'm really meant to feel love...I'm absolutely stunned at this realization.

I continued to wash the blood of her hands and we were finally finished and able to get it all off. She turned around, looking at me so carefully and didn't say anything. I didn't say anything either, I'm at a loss for words and have no directive for action. What can and should I do? I've forgotten all about the entire fact that she did just kill her father and she's going to probably go to jail for committing such a crime. I would do the time for her, I can say that I killed him, I planned to do that anyway. Ayala however doesn't seem phased or bothered by this situation she's smiling and holding my hands as if nothing else matters right now. I feel the same way the only thing I want to do is embrace her as much as I possibly can and make her feel like the only person that I can love. How do I do that though? I already confessed my love and she just confessed hers so now what...? What exactly happens in moments like these, I tried scanning through my head all the movies and books I've read and most of them you either kiss or you have sex! That's crazy and going way too far, I don't know if I can have sex with her...wait why am I thinking of having sex with her this isn't a book or a movie. This is my reality and here I am with no idea how to properly handle it. I don't want to lose her because I will be broken but I must do something to keep her, she's extended herself back to me and I must return that, a kiss is perhaps the right call....maybe the only call I can make.

So I leaned in slow and kissed her...it was perfect. This time it felt even better because I know now that she kissed me earlier because she wanted to and because she's actually in love with me! The things that make you feel good are the things that people mean to do and it wasn't an accident or a mistake. She wanted to do it, she wants me to touch her and make her feel special, I'm so lost in her lips that I'm not even sure I'm kissing her the right way. I can't bring myself to care, this is my crowning moment in a life that I wasn't even sure was worth living. I actually intended to kill my self entirely if she didn't love me and possibly killing her as well...at that point. Mainly because no one can have her she is my person and my person only, there's no line for any other happiness for her to have other then the happiness I have to offer. She's my possession and my prize that I've earned in this difficult game that we call life. Her smile and her body are all things that are connected to me and the same goes for her. I am made to love nobody else but you and I think she's beginning to know that. She opened her eyes and began to pull away, she's so innocent it's almost like looking at a baby who doesn't understand how much it's loved by people, she's astonishing. I've never seen someone so perfect. She pulled me in close as if she wanted me to hug her and I did. I grabbed her so strong and made sure she felt protected. I started to feel bad about those times that I could not protect her and it shattered my heart but I know now that I can protect her, I'm here for you now Ayala you will never be in danger again. We were just holding each other standing there. I could hug her and hold her in my arms forever, she spoke.

"Ashad I love you and you are the reason that I've been able to smile throughout these years, they have been the most painful part of my life and I wish you would've protected me...you should've protected me and I'm sorry"

I felt the blade pierce my stomach and I felt my warm blood beginning to drip down to the floor. The stab was really deep and she began to turn the blade in my stomach and looked at me while I bled. I was shocked even more now, I looked at her and I couldn't say anything because I didn't understand what was happening. Looking down at her face she had tears in her eyes which I also didn't understand. I looked down and saw where the blade was. Her hand was shaking but it was a clean stab. Right though my shirt and into my body. I gasped for air and began to feel my body weaken slowly. I fell back slowly as she took the blade out from me. I grabbed my wound to control the bleeding and fell on my back. I tried using both of my hands to stop it but it didn't want to stop. I became extremely fearful and felt hopeless because I knew no one was coming to help. I could start to feel the presence of death and the searing pain didn't make it any easier. I tried to move but I no longer was able to. All I could do was stare up into her eyes that went from that radiance to something cold and full of hatred. It hurts, it hurts so bad and I don't know why she's hurt me in this way. I can feel my life slipping away from me, that control I was seeking I no longer have it and there she is looking down at me with the same blade she used to kill her father. She got on her knees and came over my body. She grabbed the knife and aimed for my heart. I could not stop the tears any longer and they began to run down my face as I coughed up blood. I'm really going to die and there's nothing I can do at all. Probably how her dad felt, I doubt he was as shocked as I am though. I felt the sharp point of the blade right above my nipple and she began to push slowly with force. As I looked at her in the eyes I watched her grit her teeth and her eyes became menacing. She stabbed deep and I could feel the blade begin to touch my heart and before she ran it through, she spoke
"I love you Ashad, I love you"
She ran the blade through my heart and my world faded into darkness. I didn't fight it because I was heartbroken that the love of my life wanted to kill me and the moment that I always wanted was nothing more than a moment. A fantasy I created was nothing more than an ideal that she was never into. I not only lost my chance at love, I'm now laying on the ground and losing my life. The last few moments before everything faded into black, as my eyes dropped the last bit of tears I saw her walk out the door in her underwear which was green and as she shut the door my eyes closed...for one...last.......time.