Confessions Of A Girl Trying To Navigate Adulthood

Facing Myself

Have you ever had those moments during a conversation or after, when you notice or sense something not quite right? With yourself, not them. Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but for a very brief moment you find yourself as an antagonist or maybe...even the bad guy?

I think it's normal for humans to act out on their emotions every once in a while. To speak without thinking and do things regardless of the consequences. In fact, I think it (as long as it doesn't amount to committing a crime or anything of the sort) lends an element of excitement to what would otherwise be a very boring albeit very sensible world.

However, running on emotions alone, no matter their inherent nature is like allowing, even encouraging a child to continue throwing tantrums all his life. It shouldn't surprise the parent when the child turns into a 30 something year old with serious anger and entitlement issues. I mentioned previously that I had some problems with standing out and trying to be different. It wasn't anything serious at first, but with time, I became more insecure about myself and unsure about who I was. For a long time, I behaved like the world revolved around me and my insecurities. Unconsciously treating people like side characters. Honestly, I wasn't doing it on purpose, it just happened. But I think there were a lot of red flags along the way, and I chose to ignore them. Swept emotions and things I didn't like about myself under the carpet because I didn't want to address them, or even acknowledge their existence.

I think it's cute the first time someone acts on their emotion, when it's harmless and they don't really know how to handle something that feels foreign. But continually acting on them, not facing them seriously and not trying to understand why we feel the way we do, turns the emotion into something almost grotesque. With time, it begins to manifest itself in its worst forms and it gradually gets woven into one's personality.

It has been a long time coming for me to address emotions like jealousy and pride, you'd think I'd have a good control over it now since I'm old enough. But the truth is, I'm not even close. I get embarssingly possessive and there are situations I have to remind myself that not everything has to do with me. I've probably been toxic to more people than I can count because I allowed myself to get carried away with my emotions. I wish I could apologize to them but things such as subtle gestures, a look or a word said in haste are far more difficult to apologize for compared to other offences. Accepting this has been a bitter pill to swallow but has truly been helpful for me. If I had gone on justifying my actions, believing I could do no wrong all the way, I would still not have come face to face with things I could fix. I'd be playing victim all my life, destroying relationships with the people I love and never truly liking myself.

I have a long way to go. But I'm glad I'm facing myself honestly. I read posts about toxic people all the time, they're pretty hurtful but we understand. I want to let you know that we're regular people, just a little slower than the rest when it comes to confronting emotions. But we're sorting them out, one at a time. So please be patient with us.