Confessions Of A Girl Trying To Navigate Adulthood

Not Like Other Girls

Full disclosure, I'm a middle child. So the desire to stand out has always been there, whether it's finishing my greens while my other siblings gag at their plates or pretending to be uninterested in a game when all the while I'm dying to join. So it's something that has always been a part of me. Coupled with what the media fed us when we were much younger, I'm talking 2006-2014 particularly, when Disney Channel aired shows about the fabulous lives of "unique" girls, VH1 went all out with songs about girls who were "different", you really can't expect a sister to be completely unaffected. Wattpad still has some demons to let go off, I can see. I don't blame anyone for this at all, it was the environment. I think the world was just evolving to accept differences and I think at the time, being different came to mean being special. It was what the media was starting to feed us, and what the audience started demanding.

I grew up with a lot of TV, I'd rush home after classes to watch my favorite shows which almost always involved some girl in her teens with the quirkiest behavior. I completely loved them, absorbed them and it was just natural for me to copy them. My sisters completely managed to swerve that phase. I on the other hand didn't even see it coming and for the longest time, I always subconsciously tried to stand out, whether it was behavior, my clothes or the way I talked. I must've been a handful. I'd adopt a new character every month after reading a book, watching a movie, a show or even ads. While all these are perfectly normal for kids and I guess healthy even, I'd become more subconscious and I still am although I'm at a much better place than I was two years ago. I think it's somehow related to wanting to stand out, being different (or atleast trying to be) and my fear of disappointment (which I shared previously). When you've grown up adopting bits and pieces from shows, books and the internet, I think you feel that if you don't keep it up, you'll have to be yourself- bland, uninteresting self and the fear of disappointing some imaginary audience is sometimes very real and very scary. At the same time the fear of appearing fake and pretentious is also very scary. The line between the two is impossibly thin, almost invisible really.

I don't know how I grew out of it, but I'm glad I did. But I'm also glad I went through something like that. What I've learned and what I'm still learning is that accepting yourself as someone who constantly changes, who's personality is made up of few pieces from here, a few pieces from there, some from a book or a comic, some movie or a show is perfectly fine. I don't think that there is a certain way personality is built. We take in the environment and the influences around us and then without realizing it, we pick the parts that appeal to us. I don't think that there's anything fake in borrowing. For me, the important thing to remember is that if you find yourself constantly trying to stay in character, always forcing and reminding yourself to behave and respond in a certain way, in a way that's not natural for you, you might need to rethink what you had in mind when you picked up those qualities. Are they values you want in yourself or behavior quirks you want people to know you by. It really comes down to the question of whether you're still the same person at the end of the day, when you're alone with your thoughts. At the same time I know that there is no such thing as a bland personality, you don't need quirks to define yourself. The right people know there is much more to you even if you don't see it.

I'm glad that the world now celebrates differences and at the same time realizes that you don't have to be different to be celebrated.