deal my soul | bokuaka (angel! au) ; part 2

chapter 13

a/n: trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, bullying, physical abuse/harm (?), some derogatory/inappropriate language.

It had been half a year since Akaashi had confessed his feelings for Bokuto. Gradually but eventually, the rumors concerning him had died down, to the point where nobody even spared him a second glance in hallways and at school. For this, Akaashi was glad. However, the bullying never ceased; in fact, it only worsened throughout the months. After Akaashi had started cutting, it was not long before the male students bullying him had found out and started attacking him for that too, calling him weak, a sissy, a coward; it never ended. Akaashi had become numb to the pain he received both from cutting and from getting beaten up everyday. He felt sort of saddened by this, as he no longer felt much in particular. His life was the same everyday. Go to school, avoid Bokuto, get kicked and punched. Taken advantage of. There was no point to life anymore, and he could no longer feel anything, whether it be pain inflicted from the bullies or pain inflicted by himself.

Akaashi knew that Bokuto constantly tried to talk to him. The grey-and-white haired boy was either approaching him, trying to corner him, or trying to call him. Akaashi never responded to him.

Eventually, the physical abuse and cutting started wearing down Akaashi's physical and mental state, weakening him to the point where he could barely get himself out of bed without feeling dizzy or blacking out. He stopped going to school around mid-May, and would spend days either lying in bed the whole day, falling in out of dreamless sleep, or struggling to get out of bed in order to perform daily tasks such as eating or showering. Many, many times, his home phone rang, to which Akaashi never answered, assuming it was probably his mother calling to ask him to send her some money because she spent too much accidentally, or simply because she needed more of it.

One day, Akaashi opened his eyes, pulling himself as forcefully as he could out of sleep. Turning slowly to look at the bedside table, he noticed that the digital clock read '5:00 AM'.

"Ah...I should take a shower," The black-haired boy thought to himself, dragging himself slowly out of bed as to avoid blacking out, "I haven't showered in days."

Walking slowly to the bathroom and using one hand to prop himself up against the wall, Akaashi stepped onto the white ceramic floor, almost hissing in pain as he felt the cold, almost foreign material against his skin. He turned on the tap in the bath to the hottest setting he possibly could, standing in a forlorn state with his clothing that had grown baggy still on. In just one week he had already lost so much weight from not eating or sleeping properly.

Once the bath tub had filled to the brim, he stepped into the scalding hot water, sinking himself into and sighing.

The water was so hot to the point where it could probably blister his skin. Still, he felt nothing.

"What's the point of anything anymore?" Akaashi wondered, sliding down into the water and submerging the lower half of his face. "The most I can feel at all is from cutting. And if I keep cutting...eventually I'll die."

He looked up at the ceiling, through the skylight. Sunrise had already commenced, leaving behind dashes of dark blue and black to be smudged with rays of violet and orange. Wispy clouds covered brightly shining stars that still illuminated the ever changing sky.

"How beautiful." Akaashi murmured, stretching a single hand out of the water towards the skylight. "If I die...will I miss seeing the small enrapturing sights such as these?"

Akaashi sighed, closing his eyes.

He had witnessed many beautiful things with Bokuto; falling stars, sunrises and sunsets, first tastes of coffee, the simplicity of homemade food, kindness, appreciation...love.

"If I die, will I have to give those memories up?"

A thought suddenly struck Akaashi.

"Will I finally feel something? Relief? Happiness, to be rid of this life? Last-minute despair? Even more emptiness than I already feel?"

Blinking, Akaashi reached into the pocket of his shorts and took out the pocket knife, observing how the normally shiny blade seemed to appear a dull grey in the water.

He then looked at the many cuts on both his arms. There were so many, all in a line in an almost organized manner; it was almost impossible to see the original pale porcelain color of his formerly unblemished skin.

Akaashi loved beautiful things, but that was not all; he felt as though he could find beauty in anything, or anyone. Wilted flowers, abandoned kittens, run-down houses; but when he looked at himself in the mirror, he could not find a single thing to appreciate. He was so very ugly and empty that there was simply nothing to admire.

When the black-haired boy first met Bokuto, he learned, in that very instant, the true definition of 'beauty'. Bokuto was glowing and alive. Akaashi, on the other hand, was nothing but a lifeless shell of a boy who had once been loved and who once had a family. After meeting Bokuto, he decided that there was a reason after all to live. To appreciate the small, beautiful things in life. But how could he do so now that he himself was withered and rotten?

Tears fell down Akaashi's face.

He had ruined the relationship with the only thing, the only person, that he had ever found valuable. The only person that kept him alive.

What was the point of living anymore?

Without thinking, he unsheathed the pocket knife, slicing one large line through the middle of all of his cuts on both of his arms, watching as crimson-colored liquid bled out, creating red clouds in the water.

He felt nothing, not even a tiny ounce of pain.

As Akaashi looked up to the skylight once again as he felt blood gush from the wounds he had made; red-colored blots of ink in the once clear water. He smiled.

"Despite my life being worthless now, I have been lucky to experience so many beautiful things with the most beautiful person by my side. How was it even possible that such a kind, warm, exciting person like Bokuto-san befriended me in the first place?"

Black dots started to appear in Akaashi's vision and he started to feel dizzy.

"Bokuto-san...thank you," Akaashi whispered with all the energy he had left. "Thank you...and goodbye."

And everything turned black.

a/n: you guys have inspired me so much that i decided to write this chapter today :)) i'm sorry this book is incredibly dark and angsty though...i really wanted to make akaashi's character one that could be pitied and understood by the readers. hope you all understand! <33

p.s although i did put a trigger warning for this chapter, if you read this chapter and feel unwell or if this encourages anything then i sincerely apologize. this is, in no way, an encouragement of suicide or cutting. if you are feeling suicidal, please use the following link to access a suicide hotline in your area.

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

on a brighter note, hope you are all staying safe and well! much love xx