living or existing | mgc

three

(this chapter may be triggering !!!)

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Michael's POV.

That night I laid in bed, hands on my stomach, eyes closed, thinking.

I like to imagine what my life would be like if I was normal. A normal kid. If I didn't get bashed everyday in the school corridors, if I didn't feel the need to hurt myself all the time, if people actually liked me.

Would I have friends? Would I have a girlfriend? I think I'd want to have one. I'd want to have someone to hold with out having a panic attack, and I'd want to have someone who makes me feel safe and loves me, for me. Michael. But I guess the world just doesn't work that way.

I imagined myself kissing somebody, our lips moving in sync to the rhythm of song playing softly in the background. They would be sitting on my lap, their legs wrapped around my torso. I'd have my hands running through their hair, muttering their name softly.

If only that was even possible. There's about a million things standing in the way.

One being that no one even loves me.

My mum barely even talks to me, and my dad left us when I was seven.

I always blamed myself for my dad leaving, mostly because that's why. Seven was the age it all started. The bullying, the panic attacks, the random crying, the anxiety, everything. My dad hated anyone who wasn't normal. And I am not normal. So, he left. He packed up his bags, and left.

My mum cried for a long time, and that made me worried and scared so I locked myself in my room for four days. Obviously, that was a dumb move. My mum had to get a lock sales man to come and pick my lock out. My anxiety just really hit, I was smart enough to know what was going on, I just couldn't understand why.

Of course, now I know.

I sighed, rolling over onto my right side. I stared out the window and into the night. My left arm started itching, and I began to scratch it. My eyes were still shut tight, and I didn't even realise how hard I was scratching until I felt a sharp pain in my arm, and I looked down to see my ruby red blood, oozing out of a scratch on my left arm.

I sighed, watching the blood as it trickled down my pale arm. The scars on my arm weren't that visible, but they were there, each of them reminding me why they're there in the first place.

because you're worthless.

because nobody loves you.

No matter what, I'll always be that guy, the guy who nobody talks to. That'll ways be me.

I'm not sure how, but I ended up on the white tile floors of my bathroom, my knees to my chest, blade in my hand. It had only been two weeks since I had cut, and it wasn't like I was trying to stop.

fag

useless

ugly

nobody

fat

I shook my head, my eyes clamped shut. They were there. The voices. Haunting me, pushing me even further to the point. Please go away. Please go away. Please go away. Please go away. Please go away.

gross

nothing

worthless

nerd

kill yourself

"Leave me alone!" I cried into my knees, begging for the voices in my head to just give me some peace.

kill yourself

kill yourself

kill yourself

I pulled the piece of metal across my arm slowly, making sure I didn't mess up. I winced as I felt the stinging sensation corrupt through me. Red liquid poured down my arms and splashed onto the tiles, and I lied there looking up at the ceiling of the cold bathroom.

'I'll have to clean the up before mum sees,' I thought to myself, before finishing the thin line.

I then made another, and another, and another, and another.

Five cuts.

I looked down at my work, frowning slightly.

This is want I deserve.

This is what I need.

Blood hit the floor steadily, each drop being a reminder of how imperfect I truly was.

I stood, shaking slightly. I clutched onto the sink, steadying myself. I looked up at my face in the mirror, tears that I didn't know I had we're falling down my hot cheeks. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die.

I reached over the sink and turned on the water, and stuck one of my arms underneath the faucet.

It burned, badly. I had to grit my teeth to hold back a scream. It took a while, but eventually the burning turned into a soothing sensation. I watched as the blood ran down my pale arms and turned the clear water pink, it was actually quite pretty. I felt tears prick my eyes, but I held them back.

This is what I deserve.

This is what I need.

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THIS IS SO SHORT IM

THIS WAS A FILLER CHAPTER!

more to come, 95% sure that next chapter is going to be awesome!! got a great idea.

thanks for reading, please vote & comment some feedback, or somethin, please it really helps (:

thank y'all

+ this was really depressing to write so idk it might be like rlly bad im so sorry !! love u xx