I make my way up the driveway, Faith staying with me, step for step.
I can't stop this horrible pain in my chest. My whole world is gone. My mom, my sister, my daughter... they're gone. They're all gone and they aren't coming back. I have nothing left. I don't know what to do. I have no reason to go on, no reason to see tomorrow, nothing to look forward to. What do I do? Where do I go from here?
I look up at the front door of my house as we go up the steps and stop.
And it is MY house too. I'm the only one living here now, no one else to give it life, no one to make it bright and vibrant. There's no one else to make it a home except me, and I don't know that I can do that.
I feel a hand gently on my shoulder and I turn my head to lock eyes with Faith.
"Do you want me to get the door?"
"Oh uh..."
I reach down into my pants right pocket.
"No I..."
I hook my finger through the key ring and try to take them out. They get caught on something so I pull harder.
"I can... I can get..."
I try even harder but they still won't come.
"I'll GET..."
Faith's other hand wraps itself gently around my wrist, stopping me.
"B..."
I stop struggling with my keys as our eyes meet again. She lets go of my wrist and turns up her palm to make her offer.
"I can do it if you want."
I push my wrist into my pocket more and unhook my keys from the piece of string they were caught on and then pull them out, handing them to Faith. She immediately goes to the door and unlocks it. I move inside as she opens the door.
Thank god for Faith.
I stop in the main hall and look around at all the things I now own and no one else.
It feels strange being grateful that she's here. It wasn't more than a couple days ago that I wanted to beat her to a bloody pulp for coming anywhere near me. It wasn't long ago that I wanted her to leave town, again, and never come back. But now I find that I want her here. I feel like... I need her here. She took care of most of the funeral arrangements for me along with Giles and Xander.
They asked my opinion on different things, the flowers, the casket, where to bury her, but most of the other stuff I left to them. I just... couldn't do it. I couldn't plan my own mother's funeral. It doesn't matter if they had waited 6 days or 6 months. I just couldn't do it. She was my mother and she's gone. I can't think about much of anything beyond that. I've lost the only family I have left.
I hear keys being thrown onto the wooden table next to the door as the door closes and Faith comes up next to me. I let out an exhausted sigh and I close my eyes.
"I'm tired."
"Well, maybe you should go to bed. Let's take you upstairs."
She puts her arm over my shoulders gently and I start my way to the stairs.
What am I gonna do without my mom? She always knew what to do. She always knew what to say or do to make everything better. She always knew how to make me feel like the world wasn't ending. She did so much for me and now she's gone. I don't think I know what to do without her around to help.
We make our way up the stairs to the second floor. To the three empty rooms upstairs, two of three of which could be empty forever.
This house used to be so full of happiness. There used to be laughter and giggles and so many fun moments in this place. I remember moments of beautiful ecstasy and pleasure that happened in this place. Moments that me and my mom and Dawn and Faith all made together, but now all I see is death.
We get to the top of the stairs and head to my room.
The people in this house that made it such a happy place are gone. Now there's just me and an empty house... and Faith. I don't know if I could survive tonight without her here. I could never turn to Giles or Xander this way. I just wouldn't feel right taking comfort in their arms. Yet for some reason it feels right in hers. I'm not sure why. I guess maybe my mother was right. She was always right about most things when it came to me, even when I didn't want her to be right. I feel safe with Faith. I don't know why. After everything that's happened, I shouldn't. I should be making her go away so I can be alone. But I don't want to be alone. I feel alone already, even with her here.
We walk into my room and Faith stops as I head straight for my bed. I climb in and pull the covers over me, not even taking my clothes off as I curl up into a ball. I look at her standing a few feet away, watching me.
"Can I get you anything?"
Anything?
After a moment I just shake my head at her.
"Okay..."
She turns around to leave and I feel like a knife is stabbed through my heart and I'm gonna cry.
I don't wanna be alone tonight.
"I'll be downstairs if you..."
"Faith?"
She faces me again.
"Yeah?"
I move over on the bed to make room for her.
"Would you... would you stay here with me... tonight?"
It takes a second for her to decide.
"Sure..."
She walks over to the desk and grabs the chair, bringing it next to the bed.
"No, I..."
We look at each other for a moment as I speak.
"I... I need to know... that I'm not alone."
I reach out and take her hand in mine, my eyes never leaving hers.
"You'll never be alone B, I'll be here."
There's a silence between us as I look at her with blurry eyes. I feel like I'm going to choke if she doesn't help me.
"I... I need to feel it."
Another long moment of silence passes.
"Please..."
After a few more moments, she squeezes my hand.
"Okay..."
She climbs into bed, on top of the covers. I put my arms around her and hold her close to me as we lie here together in my bed. I start to feel myself cry and she holds me tighter.
I don't want to feel alone.
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