Mothers (girlxgirl) (Book 3)

Learning to be Okay

Faith's POV

This is really hard.

I move to avoid a headstone as B and I walk through the graveyard on patrol.

We've been spending a lot of time together over the past few weeks, and it's times like these that make it hard. Walking through the graveyard, I can't help but think that my daughter is buried a couple blocks east of here in another cemetery. It's hard knowing that, and even if I can live with what I did, it's still hard to do. It hurts to know that she's gone. And it can be even worse when B and I spend time together. Most of the time, things are okay with us. We can do stuff like watch TV or movies and just spend time with each other. It's really nice just being regular people together. But every so often something happens that reminds one or both of us of Dawn and things get tense between us.

Buffy avoids a headstone herself like I did a minute ago and I feel the chain around my neck move as I swerve away from her to stay in step. I grab the chain under my shirt and feel the ring hanging off it.

I put Dawn's ring on a chain so I could carry it wherever I go. So I could have a piece of our daughter wherever I go. It makes the awkwardness feel worthwhile, knowing that wherever Dawn is, she loves us and wants us to be okay. It's a comfort in a lot of ways. I'll be thinking about Dawn or one of those awkward moments between us will happen and I just feel the need to hold it in my hand to feel better.

I let go of the ring as we continue through the cemetery.

It probably won't ever be used in the way that Dawn intended it to be used though. Dawn got us an engagement ring because she thought that us getting married would be the ultimate expression of our love. But after everything that's happened, there isn't really a love to express, and I would never give this to anyone else. It would destroy the memory of our daughter and the love B and I used to share. I would never do that to either of them. I'd like to fall in love again. I'd like to find someone to love some day, but I'd never use her ring on anyone I might meet. I would never do anything to hurt the memory of Dawn.

I look around the cemetery, not seeing anything.

I don't think we've seen a whole vampire all night. It's weird.

"Looks like the cemetery's pretty dead tonight B..."

She rolls her eyes and kinda smiles at me.

"It's a cemetery Faith, of course it's dead."

I smile back and we fall into silence together for a few moments as we continue through the graveyard. She gets this thoughtful look on her face.

"Is everything okay?"

She looks to me at my question.

"Yeah, I guess."

She forces herself to smile before going back to scanning the area.

"All right, I just asked because we haven't really talked in a couple of days and I wanted to make sure that everything was fine."

"It is..."

After a few moments, she continues.

"I'm just not sure it should be."

I watch her as her head drops and she stares at the ground in front of her while we walk.

"What do you mean?"

She takes a deep breath.

"My mom is gone."

She pauses and I give her the time to say what she wants.

"There's a lot of things I wish I could've done with her before she died. I told you about a lot of them, remember?"