The boy who sneaks into my bedroom window-ETHMA

-14-

Ethan

Love is a dangerous game. But it's even more dangerous when your the only one playing. You have to make the rules and you have to take all the risks. It's dangerous because I have love but not the ability to be loveable. Deep down I know I'm not good for Emma. I'm not what she wants. But She's everything I want. Thus the danger of love.

It traps your mind, soul, heart and everything in between in this fictional world your brain creates for you to find some stability in love. I took all the risks and now there all coming back for me. But for me, well I'm already damaged, and I simply know how to survive. 

And my hope that Emma could love me was covering all the cracks and loose pipes deep inside me. But as soon as I left her house, they all snapped. A dangerous flood came over me, and I was even more lost than before. I really didn't have any one to go to, which only leads me with my thoughts, and that in itself is dangerous. 

I wanted to run from my mind, Hide from my feelings, and drown in her eyes, all were impossible at the moment. I had to face the monster eye to eye, let it rip me apart with the painful truth that I'm not good enough. Not for Emma, not for Grayson, and not for my parents. And now what little strings of hope I had threaded my broken pieces together with were slowly coming apart at the seams. I was a mess. An utter and complete mess.

Emma

What the hell just happened. My brain was all over the place and I was beyond confused. Like what the fuck was Ethan on about? And why did he just leave? Did he tell Grayson? Cos that's not what it sounds like. 

"what. The. Hell" I said slowly and Grayson flopped down on his bed. 

"When were you gonna tell me you were fucking about with him Em" Grayson said and I scoffed. Who does he think he is. 

"Wowww" I dragged out while I shot him a dirty look. "Ethan just told you we weren't fucking around, and you really think I'd do that? You just screamed at your best friend over some bizarre thought that isn't even true! Then called me a slut and hoe in front of my face, and Objectified me like I wasn't stood right there. You brought his parents into it like he wasn't broke over the whole situation of them, and now let him storm out the house thinking he has no one! You should be fucking disgusted with your self Grayson! I love you, but that was low." And with that I left his room with a slam of his door to top it all off. 

I don't know why I was so pissed, but it really upset me when he was talking to Ethan like that. Why did I care so much. It was like I had this sudden wave come over me to protect Ethan and It scared me. I was pissed at Grayson, hurt at the things he called me, but most of all I was hurt that Ethan was hurt. I wanted nothing more than to just hug him and hold him in my arms, but that would be something for Grayson to talk about. 

I decided to leave him a text. 

'Hey, you okay?'

I think that was the start. People always say that just as little as a word can change your life forever. I think this was the moment that changed my life.  Just three fucking words. Well maybe it was his reply, but whatever it was changed both of our lives, and I knew it would be something more when I'm older. 

Life is dynamic, nothing in life will ever remain constant. All the activities we do, people we interact with, situations in life will always change. People do change too, growth is one of the change, as you progress in life there is some part of you that will change, be it physically, emotionally or behavioral. Since change is inevitable we should learn to always embrace it and adjust to it in order to live a comfortable life. 

Just as law is mandatory and should be always adhered to, change too is life law. In life, we should always expect changes to occur, since they are mandatory to happen, we should always be ready to face any change that comes to us. To look in the past and present means sticking to your usual or daily activities that you are used to. Change comes with both negative and positive aspects. In most cases, change comes to improve our present and past lives, therefore accepting the change means accepting the future good things.

This change was in between. I honestly didn't know the outcome. Ethan was this strong headed, confident, fuckboy, who just so happens to mean a lot more to me than I thought. Sure we were close growing up, but I always viewed that as that annoying older brother relationship, like me and Grayson. But I suppose when the heart wants to hide it's true feelings, it will go to extreame measures. I'm not sure when my feelings towards Ethan changed. Maybe I've always felt this way, but wanted to hate him, and because of that hate I never realised it, or maybe it was this text. Whatever it was, it was change. 

We cannot change anything unless we accept it. And I guess I accepted that I didn't really hate Ethan. There was no way. The way he makes me feel better over the things that hurt me, the way he holds me at night, the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world. It wasn't hate. I wasn't sure what it was, but I knew as much as I didn't hate Ethan. I wanted him to be happy, hold him, protect him. And that was accepting this change. 

Humans have wishes, wishes that are beyond their ability now. We normally wish for better things than what we own now. People may wish for good life, a life of wealth, big houses and expensive cars. Apart from personal belongings, people do wish for better governance, a cleaner environment or high level of literacy. These changes that we wish for, do not only happen if we sit and we wish, we need to take part in making those wish to come true.

And right now I wished nothing more than to hold Ethan. Because his answer to my simple three worded text told me everything I needed to know for now. He wasn't okay.

'Not without you,angel'