The boy who sneaks into my bedroom window-ETHMA

-20-

Ethan

How do you tell someone your madly in Love with them? Because I'm pretty sure snarky comments and fuckboy problems isn't the way to go. 

When I was younger I wasn't scared of anything. And I don't mean that to be cocky, I meant to say I wasn't scared of anything. I wanted to sleep in the dark when I was little, I wanted to go on the biggest rollercoaster, and hold all the insects. I wanted to jump of the highest diving board and talk to new people. I sleep with my wardrobe open, so I could catch the monsters, not hide from them. I'd embarrass myself willingly and not give a shit. I'd be the first to crawl through that small hole, or look into that dark room, or dive in the deep end.I truly thought I wasn't scared of anything, Not even loving Emma.

But if that was true I wouldn't have pretended not to. I would have shown it. I wouldn't have listened to Grayson. Because I though the opposite of Love is hate. So surely pretending to hate Emma on some level would hide my true emotions? Wrong.

The opposite of love is fear. And I was so very afraid to love her. 

Maybe it was my parents. Seeing them fall out of love, when they used to love each other so much. Maybe it scared me that me and Emma would fall out of love and I would loose her, so not being in love with her and not loosing her would be better, then falling in love and doing just that. Or maybe it was because I've never felt good enough for her. Like I would hurt her more than I already have. Whatever it was, it was holding me back from loving her, and I let it, because I was scared shitless. 

But now? I saw my parents divorce papers on the dining room table the other day, so I've lost them. I may still forgive Grayson, but he doesn't forgive me, so I've lost what we had before. What's left to loose? Emma? I think the fuck not.

I have to let her know how much I love her, before it's too late. Hell I've been waiting 16 years for this. 

"Ethan" Emma's voice snapped me out of my day dream and I looked at her. Her hair was slightly sweaty and her baby hairs clung to her forehead,like how her tiny sports bra and shorts stuck to her as well. She looked gorgeous. 

"Hello, you still here E" She teased and I quickly shook my head yes. 

I'd been contemplating my whole life in front of her dance class, while she shook her ass away. And now she's finished. 

"Sorry" I apologised and she looked at me confused. Maybe she was picking up on the fact that I was shitting bricks over here. 

"You good" She laughed out slightly out of breathe. 

"Yeah" I said softly looking in to her eyes. God she's so perfect. How the fuck did I go about life without loving her. Well showing her that I love her. She deserves all the love this world can give, and I'm gonna give her that, because she is my world.

"Okay" She dragged out, stepping back from me a little, much to my disappointment. "I'm gonna go change, yeah?" she said and I nodded. She walked off with a couple other girls into the changing rooms and I sat back down. 

A couple minutes later she came back out, still looking gorgeous,

"Hey, uh I need to ask you something, like before I pussy out again like I did this morning" I told her as she smiled up at me, nodding me to continue. Oh god. Lord help me. 

I was thinking, you know, if you want we can like go out" I said more blunt than I intended. My hands were fucking sweaty and I tried to discretely wipe them in the inside pocket of my hoodie. She Looked confused and squinted her eyes at me as I avoided all eye contact. 

"Go out? What do you mean Ethan" She said and I only became more nervous. This is not how I pictured this moment going, nut too late to back out now.

"I don't know, like grab food or something" I said quietly, hoping she heard me. I could feel my cheeks start to grow warm and I wanted to run. But that would fuck this up even more so, I stayed in place, staring dead at the floor. 

"Ohh, wait? You don't mean like a date, do you?" she questioned and I finally looked up at her. 

"Urm" I said, cos what the fuck was I meant to say to that. She instantly burst out laughing and I could feel my face drain from colour. Oh my fucking god, why did I do this again? I didn't even think about the possibility she didn't like me back, and now I look like an idiot in front of not only Emma, but a bunch of 7 year olds waiting for the next dance class. 

"You know what, it doesn't matter, just forget I said anything" I said trying not to sound like my puppy just died, and swiftly moving behind her in attempt to exit. I could still hear her laughing behind me slightly, but she grabbed my arm when we were almost at the car. 

"Wait, no Ethan, I'm sorry I didn't mean to laugh" She said and I nodded pulling my hand away. 

"It's fine, just don't talk about it okay" I said walking away again, but she stopped my by walking faster and standing in front of me. 

"No,no,no,no I didn't mean to upset you, It's just, I never, ever thought you would ask me on a date" She told me and I nodded slowly. Really? Is she just dumb or am I more discrete than I thought? Was kissing her not showing her any interest?

"I mean, I hate to break it to you, but I'm not going to fuck you" She said and I scoffed. Of course. 

I walked back in to the car, and she quickly followed. 

"Can we go get some McDonalds" She said as she put her seatbelt on, me doing the same thing. Really. Were just going to pretend like that didn't happen. 

I couldn't help but let out another scoff. "God Emma, I hate to break it to you, but I don't want to fuck you" I said simply. Well I do. But not right now. I felt her eyes on me as she turned her head to look at me. 

"What? then why'd you ask me-wait!" She said and I nodded slowly. "Yeahhh" I dragged out and she gasped shaking her head. 

"There is no fucking way" She said and I just ignored her. She clearly doesn't feel the same way, and will probably use this against me any chance she gets. 

"You, Like me" She said slowly pointing to herself like it was the strangest thing ever. 

"On the lines of that" I said and she shook her head again. "It's whatever" I said trying to earn some of my dignity back but she grabbed my bicep as I turned around another bend. "This is such a big deal" She gasped out with a laugh and I shrugged trying to focus on the road. 

"I hope your not joking with me" She said and I shook my head. "Dead-ass" I said and she smiled at me. 

"Well then, I'd love to go on a date with you"