Pieces of Mine

Intro: looking back...

                             I try not to think about it. I feel guilty. I love my fiance', I do. Yet, sometimes I wonder. What if? I could purposely try to run into him of course. Just to see if it's the addiction of not knowing that keeps me thinking of him. Then again I wouldn't want my life to be any different than it is. That's the choice I made. Go back there or stay here? I want to stay in the now. I made a choice and I need to keep going forward. Yet, I hold on to it and I don't know why. Maybe it's healthy to have a few questions for the universe. At the same time I don't understand. You think your better off without that person when you walk away. You think you'll be happier and find someone who loves you better. This is true. Yet, why does the first one still haunt you? It haunts me every waking day of my existence. I don't love him anymore. I couldn't. He's far from what he was, so maybe I love who he was. Maybe I can't let go of that part of him because it'd be like losing hope that he was ever really that person. Or it could be that so much of my life circled around him that I can't face the fact that it's over. It's gone.

                             All the same, when I think about him I can feel the warmth in my body. My heart rate increases and I know I blush. If I close my eyes I can see him, so beautiful. Dark hair, so soft and always smelled like the specific shampoo that I knew he always used. Eyes so light brown, that they held a sea green hue in the most intimate moments. Olive skin, so soft and smooth you wouldn't believe there was ever a blemish. In the summer it shimmered bronze and all I could do was fight myself not to touch him. In my mind I could still conjure up his scent. A mix of how he naturally smelled with cologne and detergent. I can still hear his laugh and feel the vibrations through my body of emotion that he used to make me feel in every single cell. It's weird how something I should have forgotten about seems so clear. Even this many years later. On the drop of a dime I can hear him in my head saying my name, or telling me he loved me, or the sounds he made in his sleep. Every memory, every inch of him, is locked into my mind so vividly. If you asked me anything about him, at least from then, I could tell you. Once upon a time I was his everything and he was mine. I'm sure some of the facts I know about him must still apply, after all I knew him in a way no one else did. I'm almost positive he hasn't and never will let anyone see that side of him ever again. We met so young and grew up so much together that I feel like we took pieces of each other over the years. Pieces you couldn't ever expect to get back. Pieces that leave an emptiness in your heart; And these are the pieces of mine.