Bedroom Whispers

Epiphany (090520)

This was the sharp snap that drew me out of my hypnotic reverie.

I held my phone up and pressed 'record'. I had just downloaded a video recording app and wanted to test run it. Hitting the round icon that signified 'record', I started with an introduction.

Hi everybody, this is Emmanuel, and I am... I became stuck. Not for want of words though. That would have been better. The dictionary could rectify that. Google could help save the day. Simplicity could cover up for the bridge.

But I was stuck because I had nothing else to say. For almost a minute, I stared at myself on the screen. I looked at my uncombed overgrown hair, my thinning face, my bushy moustache, my glazed eyes, I looked at myself, and didn't know who I was.

Stripped of all my possessions, titles, posts, achievements, stripped of everything external, I was left with me, and I didn't know who that 'me' was. I had no title. I had resigned from my job. I had no religious affiliation. I was empty of the things I once thought, a few months ago, made up a man.

A nice paying job in a multinational finance company, a comfy apartment, a fat and ever-growing bank account reading in six figures and steadily approaching seven, friends who constantly called, girls who I kept in touch with, the independence of life.

A certain degree of the sense of responsibility (having to support the family financially), certifications and training, respect from both the young and old (in a materialistic society like mine, I earned my worth by my account's worth), a group of people I flocked with for spiritual fellowship, and the side perks attached to all these.

Those were different parts of the 'me' definition.

But now, everything was gone and I didn't know the man staring back at me on the screen. I thought the first one minute was for booting my brain to get a response, so I waited for some extra minutes and hit the record button again. And it was worse. I couldn't even bear to pronounce my name, for as I opened my mouth to say it out, the thought hit me. Even that name was given to me by someone else. Take it away from me, and what am I left with?

I couldn't answer. My mouth was open already, and the only word that came out of it was, "Wow".  I don't know the number of times I 'Wow-ed'. I just kept saying "Wow". I was struck head-on with reality. I had walked in this body for over two decades, and I was yet to know who was doing the walk.

Three months ago, if you had asked me that question, I would have run a 20 minutes video, confidently ranting about what I had acquired, or which team or project  I was leading, or what I had achieved.

It was all things, things, things. Now, with all those gone, I'm left with the true question. "Who am I?"

It's been five months since I resigned from my job and one month since I hit the pause button on my life. The four months after resignation still had me running about and feeding my craving for layering. But the last month has been a wholesome journey. Detaching myself from all things I'd come to acknowledge as life, my path now seems clear to me. I have to know 'me'. That video was like the whistle to the straying dog.

I don't have the full blueprint for this path, so it's scary and refreshing at the same time. I realize that I have simply been attaching meaning to the self-imposed layers all along, and ignoring the essence of the real man within.

Now, I understand the naked epiphany I had some weeks back, and the many other supposed 'coincidences' I've been having.

My epiphanies are all converging. A bit here, a bit there, the intersections are now getting clearer. They're all pointing in one direction. They're all asking one question.

Who am I?