I Understand

A New Happy Place

Why did things keep getting worse? Why was everything Harry had every felt weighing down on him suddenly? Why can't he be happy? Why can't he let go of the small things? Why was he such a failure? Why did people have to die for him? Why did he have to be the Chosen one?

These thoughts haunted Harry as he lay awake in his bed. He couldn't sleep, his mind getting closer and closer to and edge Harry didn't like. His thoughts betrayed him, they made him hurt. But they wouldn't go away. No matter how hard he tried to clear his mind, they persisted.

The only calm he had felt that day was when Draco had held his hand. And even then, it was fleeting. He needed Draco right now. He needed to calm down. He could feel panic rising up his chest, his room suffocated him. The curtains made shadows too dark to be real. Everything was hot, he couldn't breathe. He needed Draco.

So he went to the spot where he could meet Draco. His heart plummeted when he didn't be the other boy. He knew he'd be out eventually. He knew all he had to do was wait. So he laid by the fire, as if it was a normal day. As if he wasn't suffering. As if Draco were there to reassure him he wasn't alone.

He started to cry. It was silent, and soft. The tears spilled onto his cheeks before rolling onto the ground. He stared up at the ceiling, his vision blurred and dark. Harry pushed his glasses off of his face and rubbed his eyes. He calmed his breathing.

In. Out. In. Out. In... Out. He commanded his lungs. He willed his heart to slow. He closed his eyes and tried going to his happy place, but it just wasn't the same. Why did his happy place feel different? Why did it feel like it was missing something? Everything was the same it had always been. Lake behind him. Trees below. Mountains in the distance. Him on his broom, alone in the vast sky.

Alone. That was what was wrong. Alone wasn't were he felt calm anymore. It was with Draco. When he was with Draco he was calm, happy, and like he was going to be okay. With Draco, Harry felt cared for. That was what Harry needed in his life. That was what Harry needed in his Happy place.

So he re-imagined everything. The first thing he added was flowers. A flower field that stretched as far as the eye could see. Next came the sky. It was a soft shade of blue, with white cotton clouds making odd shapes that Harry could just identify as something familiar. Then the tree. A willows whose branches hung over head, making a cool dim place to sit. The smell almost hit Harry like a train. It smelled like wet dirt and the soft sent of vanilla. He didn't know where the vanilla came from, but it was perfect.

The last thing was Draco. His white blonde hair cascading around his face in a silk curtain. A brilliant smile was married to his face. On which Harry had never seen on Draco's face. His grey eyes brimmed with laughter and warmth. He was wearing a black long-sleeve shirt that met dark jeans at his waist. He was leaning back on his hands that were pressing against the soft dirt. The sunlight from a unknown source shone on his hair and gave his a golden glow. He looked stunning. Draco was absolutely gorgeous. Harry's breathe caught at the sight of his looking so happy.

Then he felt the real world pull to him. He didn't want to leave, but the pull was persistent but soft, so he allowed himself to be dragged from his happy place. When he associated with the world, he noticed the faint sent of vanilla had stayed with him. Harry felt a small pressure on his left hand. He removed his forearm from his eyes and looked around, until his eyes rested on Draco's silent frame. He really was beautiful. Draco's eyes studied him for a second, and then looked at the fire. 

Harry was glad he didn't ask questions, he didn't want to explain what was going om. Nor did he want to tell Draco that his happy place was with him. He hadn't sorted out all his feelings yet, and really wasn't ready to disclose any information just yet. When he knew what was going on with his heart, maybe then he'd tell Draco of his new happy place

He knew soon that the time would come for him to go to classes, but the thought of doing anything caused him to panic. He wanted to stay and not do anything. He didn't want to have to pay attention to anyone. He wanted the day off. But Hermione would drag him to classes and Ron would tell him that the class wasn't that long, it wasn't that big of a deal. But it was. It was a huge deal that weighed on Harry like a ton of bricks.

Almost as if Draco had been reading his mind he spoke while still looking into the fire. "I don't want to do anything today. Maybe we should just stay in the dorms and let the day pass us by. I think we both could use a day off."

"I couldn't if I wanted to. Hermione would drag me off to class." Harry said, his voice rough from un-use.

"Leave a note and don't let her know where you're hiding. You could hide in my dorm. No one would mind and it would be the last place they looked." Draco offered, his eyes meeting Harry's. Harry just searched his eyes for something. He didn't really know what he found but it made him smile.

"You just want me in your bed." Harry replied sarcastically. 

Draco blushed slightly but said without hesitation, "I wouldn't need a bed."

It was Harry's turn to blush. "You'll have to prove that." He shot back. Draco gave his an amused look.

"Maybe I will." Draco gave a dramatic wink and Harry laughed. 

This was the feeling Harry was talking about, the overwhelming need to smile at Draco, to have him close, to never let him go. To want to hear his voice, and feel the relaxation that his presence that Draco gave Harry.

"How long do we have 'till people start to wake up?" And ruin the moment. Harry honestly couldn't wait to spend the day off from classes with Draco.

"About an hour and a half." Harry nodded, that wasn't that long if he thought about it. "So, are we going to skip classes today? What to you say, want to join me in the male Snake Pit?" Draco gave a smile. It was almost as big as the one he had had in Harry's happy place.

"I'd like to see the Snake Pit, sounds like fun." Harry said returning the smile.

Today was going to be better than yesterday, Harry was sure of it. Because he would be able to spend the entire day with Draco Malfoy, and that made his heart leap out of his chest.

Ah yes, feelings that Harry can't comprehend, I wonder whatever they could be. Don't forget to comment and vote.

Stay safe my Darlings.