Stand-Ups in New York

Part I - New York City : Chapter 1 - The Pit

Pete hated The Pit. It was touted as a New York institution, but it was a shithole with open mics every week and some of the least inspired comedy he'd ever had to sit through. The lighting was terrible, the sound only worked half of the time, and the comics were hacks.

Pete watched John struggle through the crowd, beer in one hand and water in the other. He put the bottle down in front of his friend and sat on the other side of the small cocktail table. "A beer for you, sir."

"Thanks, Mulaney. And thank again for saving my ass and coming with me tonight." Pete was able to squeeze in a scouting session after his Thursday night rehearsal, and John was nice enough to leave his wife for a night to help his friend.

"Well, I'm pretty sure Lorne was ready to demote you to the Page program if you didn't do your scouting this week."

"I really don't see why he wants me to scout, I pretty much only do Weekend Update and Chad sketches at SNL." Pete took a long swig from the bottle and looked at his friend. John's teeth were clenched and he was staring, his small eyes scanning Pete's face.

"Are you in a bad place right now? I'll call Lorne and tell him you needed a break."

Pete shook his head. "I'm not in a bad place."

John continued staring at his young friend. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive, I promise. I just feel like I haven't been liking work as much lately, you know? None of my shit is getting picked, I've been background for like three weeks, and Jost and Che haven't asked me to write a Resident Young Person rant in at least a month."

John nodded. "I can always help you punch your skits up, you know, if you want someone to run your stuff by."

"That is an incredible offer, but you have your own shit that you're dealing with. I can figure it out, I just need to focus on my writing. The show just makes it impossible to win."

John drank some water and tapped his fist on the table. "Well, if we find someone good tonight, that will be a big win for you. You could take him under your wing, work together, and you guys could pitch skits together like Kyle and Beck." 

Pete nodded. He'd thought of how nice it would be at work, to have someone to bounce his ideas off of. His first couple of years at Saturday Night Live, he was considered the kid. He got bit parts and skated by with being young, but now he was already older. He had missed his chance to make an alliance with other staff members, and now he was left in the dust.

The stage light came on and Pete and John both looked at the announcer walking towards the  mic. Pete took out his phone, ready to write any names that were memorable though he knew that the chance of that happening was minimal. Comedian after comedian came up to the mic, mostly unknowns or barely knowns taking their shot. The laughs were muted, with the performers' friends howling while the rest of the Pit chuckled at most.

"I think I need another drink," Pete said after the fifth comedian's time ran out.

"I'll grab it, you keep watching," said John, getting up and making his way to the bar before Pete could say he would do it.

Pete took out his phone, scrolling his texts, then his work emails. The host for this week, Daniel Radcliffe, was feeling unsure of Pete's only sketch to make it in for the episode. Apparently he felt he was "done with Harry Potter" and wasn't sure that a sketch about Harry's ten year Hogwarts reunion was a road he wanted to go down. While trying to think of his rebuttal, he heard the announcer speak once again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, our next comedian is a Boston native, please make some noise for Lynn Reynolds." Pete heard a male voice howl as the comedian came up to the stage, and several whistles. He didn't bother looking up. Another young female comedian, probably in a short dress and heels. Someone who thinks she's funny but never had to develop an actual personality. He knew the type.

"Hey, everyone, I'm excited to be here. This is my New York debut--" she was interrupted by the same howl. "As you can see, my one friend who lives here was able to come so that's great." Soft chuckle from the crowd.

"So I'm a high school teacher in Massachusetts, and every teacher I knew was ready to tell me about the struggles and things that teachers have to go through before I started working. But no one tells you that, as soon as you get a job in a high school, it is fucking impossible to buy condoms."

Pete had to look up after he heard that. The crowd let out a good laugh and he felt one escape him as well. He finally got a look at this Bostonian. He was right about her being young, but that was about it. She wore a worn out jean jacket and black pants with a white t shirt. The short dress was nonexistent. She looked tall, so he looked at her feet and saw that rather than heels, she had black combat boots on. He smiled when he noticed one lace was untied. 

She continued after a short laugh break. "When I was twenty, buying condoms was like a feminist act. I bought them at every store I went to, slammed down the biggest pack I could find on the counter and then just stared at the cashier, daring him to say something. And then I saw that cashier at school. In a football jersey. Wearing a backpack. I made a kid that was a student at my job ring up my condoms. Now I have to shop for them at the target a fucking half hour way, dressed like Carmen San Diego."

The whole place laughed again. She ran a hand through her long, blonde hair before continuing. This girl talked about dating and sex and being emotionally unavailable, the female comic trifecta, and she was killing. Pete hadn't laughed that hard at a comedian's set since he saw Mulaney a few weeks ago working out some material at the Comedy Cellar. The crowd cheered for her as she put the mic back when her time ended and she walked off the stage. Pete watched her walk towards her friend's table, fanning her armpits the whole way over while she attempted to melt back into the crowd.

John finally got back to the table with Pete's beer. "She was good," he said, putting the bottle down. "You should talk to her after the open mic."

Pete was still looking at her as she slid into her friend's booth and flicked the hair from her shoulder. "Oh, I plan on it."