Stand-Ups in New York

Chapter 4 - Weekend Update

Charlotte had never been quite as nervous for anything in her entire life. She thought the first time that she ever performed Stand-Up would be the worst anxiety she had ever felt, but this elevated that by about a thousand at least. She tried to see where the cue cards were placed, she wondered how easy the swivel chairs were to get out to the desk, she hoped that her pit stains were hidden by the deep red of the dress. And why the fuck did she have to wear this dress tonight? She'd never shown this much cleavage in her life, and now she would do it on live TV with no sweater to cover herself at all. Even the guy who mic'ed her had a hard time deciding where to put her pack before telling her to just keep it in her lap for the duration of the segment.

Alec really had to work to get her into the dress in the first place. She could still see his face when she insisted this would be a chill hang out, that Pete was just going to give her tips on her act. "Oh, Charlie, he wants to give you more than a tip," was his snarky reply.

She felt Pete's breath on her ear. "You're looking at the cue cards on the right," he said, then continued, "and Jost is a pro. If you start to stumble, which you won't, he can bring you back." Pete straightened back up as a crew member brought two chairs to them. Pete sat, and Charlie did the same.

It was a mere second later that Colin Jost said, "Here to tell us about the upcoming spring break is our resident young person, Pete Davidson." There was a roar of female voices as Pete used the desk to make his way to the side of Colin.

Charlotte got ready, watching Pete as he started performing. He was exactly the same as when she talked to him one on one, just at ease. She listened intently for her cue.

"Hey, Colin. Well, as we all know, high schools are getting their breaks soon. Now, it's been a long time since I've been in high school so I thought maybe we should get a perspective on the break from someone who is still benefitting from those breaks."

Colin interjected. "Pete, did you bring a high schooler here?"

"No, Colin, I did not bring a high schooler here. I don't exactly look like the type of guy that parents would allow their teenagers to go hang out with past ten o'clock on a Saturday." The crowd chuckled. "No, I brought the next best thing. Please everyone, welcome teacher and comedian, Lynn Reynolds."

The crowd clapped while Alec screamed "Oh my God! I love you!"

Charlotte wheeled herself out, almost hitting Pete's chair as she surely overshot her mark. He adjusted accordingly as she said, "Hey Pete, Colin." Alec screamed "I love you, Lynn!" Once again, to which Charlotte replied, "Good to see that my one fan followed me from Boston to watch me on the show tonight." The crowd once again chuckled.

"You're from Boston?" Colin asked. "So that means you're going on vacation--"

"Next week," Charlotte stated, looking out for the cue cards. She glanced once she found them and saw that Pete was right, it was her set, cleaned up just a bit.

"And what do teachers do on vacation?" Pete asked.

"Well, I don't know about other teachers, but I am single and twenty-six, so--"

"Yeah!" a man in the crowd shouted.

Charlotte looked out at the crowd and smirked. "Cheering for twenty-six, sir? The most random age on the planet?" Pete laughed with the crowd.

"Okay, um, yeah... what was I...?" Charlotte panicked for a second. Where was she going with that?

"You're twenty-six and single," Colin said, smiling.

"Oh, right, yeah! I'm sorry, I got distracted. I haven't heard an adult man cheer for my age since I was nineteen." Pete laughed again and Charlotte could feel her worries melting away little by little. "So since I'm currently not seeing anybody I will be spending this vacation going on as many Bumble dates as possible. I'm hoping to trick a guy into thinking I'm fun and carefree enough to date."

"You do online dating?" Pete asked. "How has that been working out for you?"

"Oh, it's been great," Charlotte answered. "No one has a job and everyone still lives with their mom. No offense."

Pete nodded. "Some offense taken, but I get your point."

"And also, why does every single guy over the age of twenty-three suddenly get into kayaking and motorcycles? Is there some secret mandate that everyone has to put that on their profile and make women feel horrible because they don't want to go kayaking with you and your friend Gary who is forty-seven but has the leathery skin of an eighty-year-old?"

Charlotte could hear people laughing. Not a ton, but there weren't typically belly-laughs on Saturday Night Live unless Kenan Thompson or Kate McKinnon were involved.

Pete started again, "Now you seem really cool and funny, why are you trying to trick a guy into thinking you're fun and carefree enough to date?"

"Well, you have the pleasure of interviewing Vacation Lynn right now, and she is significantly different from Ms. Reynolds."

"So you're not the cool, sexy teacher?" Pete asked.

Charlotte laughed. "I honestly don't think such a thing exists outside of movies. I mean, don't get me wrong, when I was doing my student teaching at twenty-two I thought I could do it. And then one day, I came home after a day of student-teaching and running errands and I saw on my pants the longest, greenest dry snot I have ever seen in my life. No idea when it got there, no idea whose it was. And that's when I said, forget it, it's over, I can never be sexy while working again." Pete laughed, expecting her to stick more closely to the cue cards and not relay such a personal story.

Colin laughed as he said, "I can see how that might ruin the sexy teacher image for a person."

"Oh yeah, it definitely broke something in me that day. And that's why now I have to squeeze all my dating into a vacation, when I can fool someone into thinking that teaching is a sexy profession. They can wait until a couple of dates in to realize that I have perpetual bags under my eyes and spend every waking moment talking about all of the happy, annoying, and disgusting things that happen on a day to day basis."

"Well thank you to Pete Davidson and his special guest, Lynn Reynolds!" Colin said. Charlotte waved as she rolled off the stage and people clapped. She stood up immediately once she was out of view and switched her mic pack off.

Pete rolled out as well and switched off his pack, and before he stood up she hugged him around his neck, putting her mouth close to his ear. "That was crazy!" She whispered. "Thank you so much, that felt incredible."

"You were amazing," Pete whispered back through her thick curtain of hair. He stood up and moved his fingers behind Charlotte's right ear. He gently unhooked the mic, trying not to catch her hair, and then walked over to the crew member and handed him Charlotte's set up. Then he guided her to the hallway where they got ready before Update.

Pete was smiling, his thick lips spread out to reveal impossibly white teeth. Charlotte looked at him for a second, then gave him a hug. He was too tall to hug him around the neck, as Charlotte usually did, but she was able to sneak her arms under his. He followed suit, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. He was so thin, she felt like she could break him in half. Pete pulled away first.

"I hate to say this, but I need to get ready for another sketch."

"Oh, that's okay, I'm sure Alec wants me back in the audience anyway!"

Pete looked uncomfortable for a second, as if he were struggling for words. He settled on asking her, "Would you mind coming to talk after the show?"

"Of course not! I'll meet you out here after the show wraps up!"

Pete smiled again. "Sounds great, see you then."

"See you then," Charlotte said, walking back towards the audience.