Hey guys!
This is a pretty short chapter, so I apologize!
TW: mention of 'flickering' (depression)
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Cecil POV
I finished my food at Arby's and went home. I couldn't keep my mind off of Carlos. Even his name was dreamy.
I kept thinking about how Earl said he wasn't gay, but how would he know? And whose to say he just hasn't told anyone yet?
I smirk at the thought.
I walk into my bathroom and turn torwards the mirror. It's covered up, of course. All of the mirrors are. When people call you names all your life you start to believe them and I find it's easier to forget them when I don't look at myself.
When I think too hard about all the rude things people have called me I get sad. I like to describe it as a 'flickering'.
The 'flickering' happens when you least expect it. You see it sneaking up on you, but when you turn to confront it it's gone.
I walk out of the bathroom, afraid of what I might do if I dwell on my thoughts too long.
I go into the dining room and see three place mats set: one for me, my brother and my mom.
It's been that way for a week, because that was the last time we'd used it as a family. My mother left and my brother is probably off getting drunk somewhere.
I know why they left.
It's all my fault and I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have tried to come out to them. It's just so hard to be all alone without anyone else you can talk to. You hope your family will understand, but it just doesn't always happen that way.
I do have Earl and I don't know what I would do without him. He's the only one who knows what I'm going through. His family is a bit more understanding, but not by much.
Tears spring to my eyes. An understanding family. That'd be so nice. I wipe the tears from my eyes, because there's no use in crying now.
I try to get my mind off of my family, so I pull out the recorder I got last year for my birthday. It's become somewhat of a journal to me. I turn it on and see the tape on the cassette turning.
"Hello listeners," I don't know why I refer to my journal as 'listeners,' I just do. "Today I saw the most gorgeous boy..." I continue to rattle on about Carlos and how he had carried me to the nurse's office when I was injured and the way he made my chest feel tight when he had smiled at me and the how my heart beat faster when he said my name. I ended up talking for hours, holding the recorder to my chest, talking to myself, dreaming about a world where Carlos was mine. I began to think of how I could possibly make that happen.
Maybe I could 'accidentally' bump into him in the hallway and then drop my books or maybe he shares the same interest in woodcarvings of cats like I do!
I smiled. If I could just make him see how much I like him, maybe he would reciprocate my feelings? I would probably die of happiness.
I sat there a while longer still clinging to the tape recorder, staring at the stick-on stars on my ceiling and pretended I was in Carlos's arms.
I fell asleep to the sound of the tape spinning.
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Aww my poor baby Cecil:(
Thanks for reading!
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Fuck me gently with a chainsaw,
Roza:)
