love letters [completed]

march 10, 2018

dear hyunjin,

im done, these letters, i can't keep writing them. it hurts too much. and im trying to get better, and im trying to heal. but these don't help.

i'll send them now, after only 3 months, i can't keep writing them...but i hope these letters find you well and healthy. doing what you love.

i hope you don't take these in the wrong way...i don't want to make you feel guilty, for anything, it was all my fault. i left you, i'm the one who feels guilty.

but i can't keep talking about that week...but, one last time i want to remember the last day i saw you, on paper instead of in my head.

august 13, 2015, i know i left out a lot of days, im sorry about that. maybe you remember them though...anyway i remember waking up with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

i got up, got dressed at 6 in the morning on a monday. i had already had a moving van ready for when i arrived in shanghai. i was just about to leave and wait for the uber driver with my suit case when i knock came from the door. 

i thought it was weird, maybe the uber? so i opened it willingly, but it was you. you smiled at first widely at me.

"w-what are you doing...?" i remember stuttering

"i came to surprise you-" you looked down at me, the suitcase maybe? and looked back up at me, your expression changed, i couldn't pin it though.

"what are you doing?" you asked.

"i...i'm" i didn't tell you, i couldn't tell you. i got a notification that the uber was arriving soon, so i maneuvered around you outside, and you grabbed my arm, just like in those cheesy shows.

"y/n...what?" you breathe out, god, the crack in your voice made me feel like collapsing right there. you dragged my back but i continued to have my back facing you, and you hugged me...god. sorry, im trying to keep it together

"hyunjin?" i asked, i was trying to hard to not show how much my voice was shaking.

"yes?" you asked. you bored your head into the crook of my neck and i was so scared you would start crying, i wouldn't broken down if you did

"im sorry" i said quietly. i saw a car drive up and pulled myself away from you and walked away. i could hear your footsteps behind me. i opened the trunk and shoved my suitcase inside, and closed the door.

i sighed and turned to you, "hyunjin" i stated

i remember you were wearing a black shirt and black pants. i tried so hard to stay strong in front of you

"why does your face look like that?" you asked, laughing a bit, it wasn't joke

"because, i lost" i said

your puzzled face was evident and i walked to the side of the car and put my hand on the door handle. "i lost hyunjin, you won" you whispered my name under your breath

"i fell in love hyunjin, i lost" your head snapped up and i couldn't tell if you were going to jump around with a smile on your face or start crying

"when will i see you again?" you asked, i sighed loudly

"maybe in another life time. im sorry i couldn't keep my promise

"but i did too..."

"what?"

"i feel in love too y/n" you said, "you're leaving for school?" i nodded

"hyunjin, do you want me to stay" i asked, i was so sure you were going to say yes.

"it's up to you" those were the last words i remember hearing from you, until i opened the car door and slammed it, maybe too hard.

i told the driver to go and leaned my head back. but i broke down, because if you told me to stay, i would've. but you didn't tell me what i wanted to hear from you.

and that's it, im sending them out now, i hope they get to you safe and in good health, again. i hope your address is still the same...i love you.

don't tell me you love me, i might actually fly back to korea, but i can't.

~y/n