love letters [completed]

march 23, 2018

i stepped outside to get some fresh air, knowing i'd go back into hibernation soon. the delivery man came by and held up some mail. i walked over to collect it and he left with a small wave. i walked back to my door while sifting through the envelopes, when a certain envelope caught me eye.

not white like the rest of the bills and junk mail. it was light blue with some cute doodles on the front. i turned it around to see who it was from, y/n l/n written right in the middle. in the top left corner, hwang hyunjin.

i walked inside quickly and sat on my couch. i tore open the letter like my life depended on it, it started;

dear y/n,

wow, i never thought i'd see or hear from you again. much less you reaching out to me first. heh, times have changed right? i hope you're doing well in shanghai, i miss you...maybe missed you, i don't really know.

your letters, i read them all, a lot. i'm really touched by them, but it also made me a bit sad to see you so distraught. you expressed a sort of..guilt? no, maybe regret, in those letters. before i go on, i want to tell you, i don't resent you and i never did. well, maybe a little bit in the beginning, i resented myself more.

you were and are very important to me, and i'd never stay mad at you for long. i remember i never could back then. has it already been 3 years since you left me at your doorstep alone? i cried, a lot.

i think i almost broke your door from banging on it so many times, i was so frustrated. you doubted my feelings then i suppose...oh y/n they were real, all too real. i was so mad at myself for letting you go so easily. i was angered i didn't tell you to stay, my pride was too strong to be so vulnerable.

it's a common misconception that the girl always loves more than the guy, the guy is cold and acts so. i don't think i did, did i? what i'm trying to say is that, as far as i'm concerned, i liked you more than you liked me. i'd even go as far as to say i loved you. i only knew you for a week but you etched your name into my heart.

after you left, ok i lied, i resented you for a long time. i got over it about a month later when i realized you actually weren't coming back. i don't hold my grudge on you, cause that isn't healthy. i don't hate you for that, i don't think i was part of your life so much that you'd give up at the drop of a hat.

oh, i don't think i told you. you wrote that you remembered my love for rapping and dancing? well after many hard years of work, i finally achieved my dream. please, watch my debut stage on march 25, i hope you will. i'll think of you as i'm on stage.

i hope you're proud of me, i'm proud of you for staying so strong. im sure it was hard to move countries. the girl in that picture by the way, wasn't anyone to me. just a label mate. the boys i'm with make me very happy, i hope you're finding the same happiness and laughter.

i'd be lying if i said i never thought of you. you always seem to creep into my day to day thoughts some way or another. we all have regrets and we must live with them, i hope you don't regret it too much.

maybe, if you follow us, me and my group members on our journey to new horizons you can come and visit during a fan sign? i'll surely recognize you in the crowd. or maybe you can come to korea and we can meet up again. i found your instagram a while back, you look well off and happy. that makes me happy too.

i don't know if i can keep writing these letters, i guess you've realized by now that i don't live in the same house anymore, i live in a dorm. it will probably be easier to text me. i've left my number on the back of page 3.

i hope we can meet again and talk. i don't want to talk about what happened in the past, it might make my head spin too much. i want to talk to you about what we used to talk about. although, i guess if we've already achieved our work goals, we'll have to think of another topic.

i knew you to be someone who was never quite honest with their feelings, reading those words really made me smile. i hope you're still not willingly hanging out with random men on the streets, stay safe. glad it was me ;)

we were just kids back then, practically children. we were young and naive and didn't know much, did we? i was petty and prideful back then. but i remember that day where i ran into you like 4 times. i saw you packing your office job and it impressed me that you were so young and already working an office job, that always stuck with me.

this letter is such a mess of random thoughts and memories. to this day i wonder why you were so special to me, why did i like you so much? i don't really know myself.

i always think about you, sleepless nights wondering if you even remembered me. i've never felt the way i felt with you to anyone else i've met and for a long time i couldn't even let anyone else in. but i'm great now, thank you.

whenever i feel like i'm not cut out for this and i feel like giving up i remember you always telling me to reach for my dreams no matter how crazy they seem. and i did, and i'm so happy i did. thank you for everything y/n, you're such an important person to me and i'm so glad i met someone like you.

(xxx-xxx-xxx <- that's my number)

love, hyunjin ♡︎