The Sex of Debby Ryan

chaps 1: my life is worse than size 13 niks

I just finished walking to school, scouring the long endless corridors of which there are 5 in desperate hopes of finding my friends. The corridors are slim and therefore full of people, who don't seem to spare me a second glance. That was sad. After all, it was non-uniform day and I wore my favourite t-shirt - my dad's.

I don't have many friends because I am a lonely virgin and despite most of my year also being virgins, the vibe seems to radiate off of me since I say things like, "I can't party tonight and go hard on the WKD because I need to do my English homework 2 weeks early."

Wow, I'm pathetic.

Frustrated, I bang my head forcefully on a nearby locker and start crying. My head starts bleeding down my face and tears clog my vision as I weep helplessly along the lockers. No one is turning to help me-

"Hey! Are you okay?" It was Derek Wohnson.

I walk away from him, sticking out my tongue in disgust. Clearly, no one cared.

Derek was the school badboy, clearly the hottest guy in our year. He was a walking STD, bicycle - you name it. I don't want to be played so I walk away to see my two best friends; Chartreuse Gayboi and Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third. Chartreuse was gay. He was still closeted, so he tried not to make it obvious or known. That's why he chose a muted outfit for today - a bright pink neon crop top, black leather trousers, yellow stilleto high heels and a silver sequin jacket.

Miraculously, my injury had healed.

Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third's outfit today was an outfit.

Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third was a disappointment in full Gucci. Tacky.

"Besties!" I stuck out my tongue at them in a playful way, accidentally touching Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third's ear. We both pretended nothing happened, until I saw his member grow from his clothes.

Why was I looking?

I wasn't.

Somehow, no one saw it except from me, which I found quite interesting. "Guys, my life is so plain and average. Nothing ever happens!"

Chartreuse pulled down his star sunglasses which seemed to appear out of nowhere, popped his tongue, and spoke his catty remark. "Bitch, when you've experienced sucking two guys at once and watching them fall back to limp and not coming, then you can tell me nothing happened."

Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third giggled girlishly like the mad dog he was. "Oh Essil! You're so gay aahahahhahahahhahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhaahha!"

Chartreuse shouted about himself, "Queen!"

Then the whole world laughed. Apart from the Lumps I'm sure. Since they never laugh at things that are actually funny. Therefore, they must be the devil reincarnates and I hate them.

Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third whispered to me. "I hate gays. I'm homophobic."

"No, no. Remember? It's homo-supportive! You try it!"

"Homo... Supportive?"

I ruffled his hair and stuck out my tongue. "Now you've got it!"

Suddenly, like a blast of dead cat, the mean bitches of the school had walked to me and were arranged in a perfect formation. I was so intimidated by their mere presence that I was suddenly reminded of my stupid life and how I had no friends.

Chartreuse, one of my best friends, snapped his finger and then rested a hand on his hip. "What are these sluts doing here?"

As usual, I burst into tears.

There were five girls that formed the bitch squad:

Darki 'short fingers' Darker - A blonde girl with short fingers - clearly a bitch.

Sadie Badgirl - Standing at a whopping height of 8ft 11, despite how she was smaller than us when I'm 5'5, she wore her signature glasses, ponytail, a denim backpack and a bright blue t-shirt that says "I paused my game to be here". Clearly, she was cooler than us all.

Donna Shmadgirliels - An anime enthusiast, she had more culture than all of us. Her talking in random Japanese that no one understands calls for the boys attention and it's how she gets so many in her bed every night. I wish I could be just like her. I especially wish I could look like her, despite how some call her a goblin.

Smaisy Urinate - half of the duo of the 'three best people in the group'. Also, part of the duo of the lumps.

Slaisy Smallbutt - the other half of the duo of the 'three best people in the group'. The other half of the lumps.

They all clicked their fingers in sync - it's how they declared their presence. Smaisy spoke, "Look who it is, Katie Kardashiondumbface. I stole your bitch. Actually me and Slaisy stole your bitch. We be doing him on the daily."

I cried and then I stuck out my tongue. "Nooooo! You haven't stole Kyle Doofenshmirtz from me! Why? God??? Why????????"

Slaisy and Smaisy flipped their hair out of their faces. "Because your dad said no-"

Short fingers forced her way into the conversation. What a bitch. "Guys! That's kinda mean. You shouldn't be doing that to Katie Kardashiondumbface-"

Donna Shmadgirliels whacked Short fingers in the face with her manga and screamed angrily: "いいえ！女子丸い！"

Short fingers started crying. Sadie then stomped onto her from her very tall height.

Chartreuse tutted. "Girl, you fucked up."

Chartreuse then got out a spray tan and started tanning himself. Slaisy started putting away her wavy mirror from ikea after taking 500 mirror selfies of her butt. "Ya. Kyle is ours :)"

But there was no smiley face. I ran off crying whilst listening to the bones of short fingers breaking, specifically her skull, from tall ass Sadie stomping on her and Donna Shmadgirliels pouring hot ramen on her. I guess she's dead now?????

"I hate my life!!!!!!"

As I wandered out, I bumped into Kyle Doofenshmirtz, my ex boyfriend, who is also in his 50's but got held back a few years. "Kyle???? How could you???"

Kyle was confused. "?????"

I stuck out my tongue. "!!!!!!!!"

Kyle got the hint. "Look bby, I just couldn't resist the mirror pics. It's the make or break for every guy. The fact that you have no insta pics doesn't vibe with me. It honestly makes you look like an ugly slag who should just jump into a fire."

I stuck out my tongue and cried. "!!!!!!!"

Kyle walked away to go talk to his best friend who is so fit he has braces.

***

I'm at home crying as I stare out my window. "I hate my life!" I scream whilst staring from my bigass room into my private en-suite bathroom. I then brush through my hair with a solid gold hairbrush.

I could be crazy, but honestly I feel a connection to God - Kallie. God Kallie. I feel like if she was on Earth we could be besties. "God Kallie, my life is dumb. Please help me. It's so dumb."

I stuck out my tongue in frustration and went to sleep.

I look around, to find famous actor Debby Ryan in my dream. "Debby Ryan???? What are you doing in my dream???? !!!!!"

He pushed his hair out his hair, looked down slightly and gave me a smirk.

Then I woke up.

Oh no, another stupid day of school. I hope nothing bad happens..............

*****

A/N: omg they finally kissed !!!!!!!