The Sex of Debby Ryan

chaps 2: sexy beast huzzahhhh

Katie Kardashiondumbface waltzed down the hallways after crying for five hours straight because her mother forced her to eat a vegetable. She started throwing up blood and had to go to the ER to get her stomach pumped - a very traumatic experience. 

Her dad was killed by a human vegetable, so it's all very traumatising to her. 

Katie Kardashionface suddenly fell into Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third their heads bumping as they both then slipped to the floor like there was a banana peel. No. It was an orange. 

Katie Kardashiondumbface looked towards Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third who had somehow broke a bone in his leg from the fall and was about to apologise for her dumb, reckless, pathetic behaviour, until she saw Dave-Smith Junior Junior the third's member harden. 

However, Katie was quickly distracted from Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third's rock penis form when she saw how he was literally bleeding to death since you could see where the bone had broke, sticking out of his skin. "Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third! Is this because you've been vaccinated-"

"If I die, tell all gays I'm gay too and I just act homophobic because I got that toxic masculinity deep in my bones and because I'm scared of the-"

Heels click clacked in the distance like the bitch wearing them was THAT bitch and suddenly Katie was being dragged off the floor by Chartreuse who today was topless, wearing booty shorts with the sides of the thong he was wearing resting on his hips above the shorts. "Slag, no one cares if you're gay or if you're dying or whatever. Katie! We have to check out the new hottie!"

Katie frowned. He was so straight. "Why do you care?"

Chartreuse slapped her on the face. "I don't you fucking whore. Being gay is soooo gay. Besides I've been flirting with Derek- with Selena Gomez on instagram dm and she says I'm CUTE!"

Chartreuse proceeded to link arms with me and lead me down the corridor when I suddenly stopped in my tracks because in front of me was the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life - big famous actor man Debby Ryan. 

Of course, since it's the custom for every realistic high school, millions of girls had flocked around him and were stroking him, admiring everything about him. I did the same, but from afar. 

Suddenly, by such a huge coincidence, Debby Ryan's eyes landed on me - plain Jane me who is an untouched virgin. He was such a sexy beast I wanted to engage in arrangements with him.

I fainted in the spot. 

When I woke up, I was in someones house. "Debby Ryan???" 

I called out, seeing a faint outline of a man in front of me as I was tucked into some random strangers bed. 

In a Liverpool accent, the man responded. "Na, blyat. It's me, Bradchaddadbad Oliver."

I stared at him blankly, not questioning at all why I was in his room. It was my first time finding myself in a strangers bedroom and I expected it to happen more often or else I'd have to sacrifice some bitches to Kallie...

Again.

"I'm from Liverpool." He said, with a Liverpool accent like he was someone who came from Liverpool. 

"..." I said, loudly.

"I've been in all your maths and science classes since primary school???"

"???"

Suddenly he lunged forward, capturing my hands in his grip. "I'm in love with you, Katie."

I stuck out my tongue. "You are?????" This was the first boy, other than Kyle Doofenshmirtz, Chartreuse Gayboi, Derek Wohnson, Dave-Smith Junior Junior Calpol the third, my dad, my uncle, my male teachers, the boys I pass on the street and the boys in my classes to give me attention, so obviously I fell in love with him instantly. "Same!"

He gasped and then ran his hands through his hair. Suddenly, the room went dark as the sun left the sky at an unnatural speed - all very common in the plain boring life of me. Somehow, in that moment, I was whisked to standing and staring out the window - the world around me somehow being completely dark.

A chill slithered down my spine as I felt the breath of someone behind me on my ear. I stuck out my tongue and tensed. "I need to tell you a secret, Katie, it's about who-"

I vomited on him, accidentally angling myself in the direction he was at. "Your breath is disgusting."

He sighed, accidentally in my direction, "So-"

Which caused me to throw up a second time. "Just chill man! I've got some chewing gum." He took it and started chewing loudly, emphasising how much he must hate me. I started crying for two more hours before stopping. "You know, about me, I'm not like other girls. You must know that. I'm weird and quirky and-"

He placed his finger on my lips. "Shhhh, Katie, shhhh." He then tried to force it in my mouth before I slapped it away. "Well, alright then bitch. Back to who I am..."

The world became dark and creepy once again except the stench of vomit was still there and so bad I accidentally threw up on him a third time. "Can we just go to another room?"

Two hours later, we were in a different room. The same dark, eerie atmosphere resurfaced as I tried not to cry into the dark abyss beyond me. "Before we mate- I, I mean date, I need you to know who I am. You tell another living soul about this, you die. Capiche?"

"Capooch." I nodded in response. 

"I'm not like other boys." He muttered darkly. I could hear him running his hands through his hair and tensing his jaw. "I'm... something that rhymes with... with..."

He hesitated. "It's okay, Bradchaddadbad... You can tell me."

"I won't say it, but it rhymes with shmere shwolf. "

I was completely clueless. What on earth could that possibly be? How could a lonely, nerdy, virgin like me figure that out? "Wear wool? You wear wool? I prefer cotton, but-"

"No. Try again." He spoke into my ear, grazing it with his lips. I thought it was kinda gross, so I put my hand over that ear. 

"Pear wood?"

"No."

"Hair pulled?"

"No."

"Brer-"

"Werewolf." He whispered into my other ear. 

Of course, I believed him. It would be weird not to. 

I opened my eyes and the dark atmosphere had dissipated. He undrew the blinds and the sun was back, shining into the room. "Ok. Cool."

"Cool."

"😎."

"So we dating now?"

Took me a moment to consider because of his god awful accent. He tensed his jaw and ran his hands through his hair. In a nervous response, I stuck my tongue out at him. "Yeah."

"Cool."

"😎."

A/N: rhymes courtesy of rhymezone.com 

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