Forever Imprinted.

Chapter Eight- After.

A/N. This is not edited and may or may not make sense. I have not even re-read but I promsied and ahh 5SOS are being rude little shits and...maybe you shouldn't read this. Why am I posting this? Forgive me please if its a mess? -pouts-

Chapter Eight- After.

-Of Depression.
“I feel so numb staring at the shower wall.”

 

The days seemed to get longer. The constant ticking of the clock was the only noise I hear. Tick, tock. The seconds seemed like minutes. The minutes felt too long to just be sixty seconds. The hours felt like a lifetime.

I confined myself in my room. I don’t leave to use the toilet until it felt like my bladder would explode. I didn’t shower until the way I smelt made me want to gag. My stomach constantly growled but the food wouldn’t stay down.

My lips were dry and my throat was sore. My body ached whenever I moved. I was a messed. A sad, miserable excuse for a human. A broken girl, a shell of who I used to be.

And I wasn’t sure if I could ever be half the person I was with James.

And I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out.

>< 

My phone rang constantly. The specially picked songs told me it was Carly and James.

‘They’re probably together. They’re sorry for you. They used you. You were just a game to them and they broke you.’

 My mind taunted me. Images of James and Carly flashed through my mind.

‘Was I not good enough? Did she have something I didn’t?’

A laugh left my lips. It filled the empty room but it just made me feel emptier inside. Of course Carly had something I didn’t. With her flawless blonde and bright green eyes. Her body was perfect, every guy’s dream. She was confident and perky. She didn’t back down from a challenge, never afraid of saying dare.

And I was just the girl who everyone knew as ‘Carly’s friend.’ Funny thing, I wasn’t really. I was nothing to her. Just someone forced upon her. Someone she hung around it when no one there or when she was bored. I couldn’t express my real opinion to her. I couldn’t be myself.

Then I realized, I didn’t even know myself. But James helped. I saw myself more than a substitute for when Carly’s other friends were busy. He made me felt like I wasn’t a freak. He made me feel like my brown hair and eyes were unique. That my shyness was cute. He laughed at my awkward jokes; he even labeled them as ‘awkwardly adorable.’

He wasn’t a knight in a shining armor. He didn’t sweep me off my feet and onto a white horse. At one point maybe I thought he was. Maybe I thought he was my saving grace, my superman in disguise. I wish that maybe was definitely.

He made me feel alive. But I was slowly but surely becoming numb. The constant words on the screen of my phone meant nothing. My mother’s crying voice begging me to eat didn’t hurt my heart. But I wondered. I wondered if maybe she felt like this. I wondered if she felt like this when she found out. I wondered if she went through all the stages that I was going through.

Maybe it was worse. She knew him longer. Loved him longer. I wonder if she still loved him, maybe a little bit even if she was too afraid to admit it. Because I felt like I would. That years from then I would still love him. Maybe it’d be the amount of love that took up the same amount of space in my heart as Breakfast’s at Tiffany or Saw but it’d still be a part.

I wondered if I was doomed. He cheated just like James. Destroyed her like James destroyed me. Was it contagious? Was it in my blood? My thoughts were crazy, all over the place. Questions that a star student shouldn’t ever ask or think.

But love made you stupid. Maybe that was what happened. Maybe his green orbs casted a spell on me. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with him when I knew better.

But even in my crazy mind and stupid talk I knew that wasn’t it. I feel in love with him. But maybe he fell in love with the challenge.

>< 

Little things by One Direction was on repeat. I didn’t even know why and I didn’t care. The sounds filled my ear but I felt nothing inside.

I didn’t cry at the reminder of the time he played the song. I didn’t even think of it. My mind was blank as I stared at the ceiling. The holidays were coming, I knew that much. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know if it was morning or evening or night. The dark, heavy curtains that covered my window prevented me from knowing when the sun set or rose.

When we first broke up we were in the third week of November. It had been roughly three weeks. The holidays were near but I wasn’t joyous.

I had no one to kiss under the mistletoe. No one to kiss when the clock stoke midnight, the official beginning of the New Year. For years it had been like that. I had only one Christmas and New Year with James but not having him with me would be awful.

The thought alone was enough to make me crack. And then I was crying mess of limbs on the bed James and I had our first date on and last happy memory.

Maybe it would be my last happy memory. Period.

 A/N.

I'm sorry.

-xoxo,

Jay.