Innocent

chapter 12

I didn't feel like it was right to let Nicole sleep in Jesse's room. I know it sounds crazy but I just didn't want someone esle other than Jesse sleeping in there. It was the last place he had slept, not knowing of what were going to come. The last place him and I had spent time together, the last place he felt safe. That was Jesse's room.

"Do you mind sleeping on the floor?" I asked.

"No not at all" she smiled.

I gave her a pillow and a blanket and she laid down.

I felt a little bad just making him sleep on the floor but I couldn't let her in Jesse room. And my mother's room was another place that couldn't be stepped in without haunting memories of her abusing me as a child.

My room was pitch black as I laid there. I wasn't sure if Nicole was awake or not but I was too tired to lean over and check.

"Jaydee, are you awake?"

"Yeah" I answered.

"Is it hard for you to be here?"
I took a few minutes to answer her, I sighed.

"Yeah, it is"

"We don't have to stay here long. I can see that being here gives you pain"

I nodded. "Your right it does. More than you can imagine"

"I understand that"

I closed my eyes and let my pain decrease as I fell asleep.

"Jaydee remember that time I took you camping with some of my friends and you fell into the big mud puddle, you were so upset"

We both started laughing until our guts hurt. It was truly one of the best weekends. We roasted marshmallows on a fire and made hot dogs. It felt so peaceful, we didn't have to worry about anything. The only thing we dreaded was when the weekend was over and we had to go home. Since it was summer Jesse made us sleep with out tents. I had never felt that peaceful so calm. The stars lit up the sky brightly, and the moon glowed against the dark sky. That was heaven. If I could choose what heaven would be like that is what I would want. Just that.

The bright sun glistened through the window into my eyes, I opened them slowly. Wishing I could have slept longer, It had to be early, I rolled over looking at the clock beside my bed. It read seven fifteen. It was early. But at least we got more sleep then we had gotten in the last few days.

My pain all returned as I looked around my bedroom. It made me want to cry but I didn't let my self.

I leaned over the side of my bed.

Nicole was lying on her stomach with her face towards me.

"Nicole?" I said shaking her slightly.

She mumbled and her eyes opened.

"We have to get up" I told her.

She sat up and rubbed her eyes sleepily.

"Lets get some extra clothes and than grab something to eat and get out of here before my mother comes back"

Nicole nodded slowly, still half awake.

"Alright good idea, I don't want to meet her?" Nicole said.

I shook my head agreeing with her.

I grabbed two boxes of cereal from the kitchen and put them in my bag full of clothes.

Nicole came down with another bag on her shoulders full of some of my clothes.

"I think my brother would like you" I told her.

She smiled. "Yeah, well I'm sure id like him to"

"Okay lets go!"

I opened the closet and slipped my blue runners on and grabbed a blue sweater.

Nicole picked a pair of white skater shoes and a lime green sweater.

I glanced down at the blood stained carpet, where Jesse had bleed to death in my arms. I felt an uneasy feeling hit my stomach and I knew that I couldn't be in this house any longer.

"I need to get out of here" I whispered

She nodded and threw the back pack over her shoulders.

The fresh air made the uneasy feeling fade but I could still felt it as I remembered.

The carpet, where I sat praying that my brother wouldn't die. But I guess I didn't pray enough or do it right because Jesse died.
Why was I been punished? It was not fair that Jesse was taken from me! Was it because I did not have friends? That I skipped school to often? That I did not stand up to my mother? Or I did not say something to someone. Yes I know now that we should have not kept the abuse a secret but now it is to late, I can't go back and change what has happened. I only had my memories now, I would always have Jesse in my heart and in my mind but that was not where I wanted him, I wanted him standing beside me. I would do anything in th world to have my brother back, no matter what happened to me, I would spend my life in prison happily, If that is what it took. But I would never be happy in prison, not with him gone. How would I ever get over his death? How would I ever be able to move on? How would I live even though my heart was broken into a million pieces? I had no on to protect me, no one to save me and no one who turly cared. I had never felt so alone in my life, even the times when Jesse was not home, at least I knew he was coming back.