Survivors Of The Lost

20

We aren't afraid of heights; we are afraid of falling.

We aren't afraid of love; we are afraid of being heartbroken-of anguish, of being alone.

We aren't afraid of intimacy; we are afraid if we show our whole selves to this world, the world wont like it. That once we are open we may be left.

We arent afraid of flying; we afraid of not having control if something goes wrong. We are afraid of dying.

I hope you risk. I hope you fall so you can only see the jump wasnt as big as you thought it was. I wish the ground to hit your feet and see your smile and your tears when you discover the space that was there all along.

I hope you love. Love so hard and grieve for years not because your weak but because you opened your heart with ferocious might and once your out of tears I wish you to inhale and exhale, then fall into the love of someone new.

I stared at the words which came directly out of my heart. The realization of having me moved on made me feel better. I did realise that all the hurt and the pain were not for nothing. The heartbreak I endured and the wrong people I have met throughout my life wont be in vain. Because eventually Ill experience the right type of love with the right person.

It was exactly a day before the nikkah. The past 6 days went doing nothing but being emotional. I spent the last two days doing endless shopping umar forced me to do. I closed my diary and kept my head on it. I blinked back my tears.

It was mehendi today. Its nikkah tomorrow. No matter how simply we wanted to take the wedding we couldnt stop the crowd of people in the house preparing for the functions and rituals I have never heard before.

Right now I was dressed in a simple green dress which had a short sleeve so I could apply mehendi up to my elbow. But I didnt want to go out. I felt suffocated. Nobody knew that I was claustrophobic. I was never good at socializing. That was another reason I never had friends.

I walked up to the floor-to-ceiling window and stared at the night sky. The stars twinkled. The moon was so bright just like my day has been. I looked at my bare hands which would be filled with mehendi right after few hours. My ring finger awaited the moment shayan will put the wedding ring in it. I sighed. My days has been amazing. I wanted it to remain like that. I was not asking for too much. I was just hoping to have the happiness I deserve.

There was a knock on the door. I turned around to see eram entering. She was wearing a green dress. But her dress was heavier than mine. I purposefully wore a less heavier dress because I wouldn't be able to change after I apply the mehendi.

"Bhabi, everyone are waiting." She told me. The word bhabi still arose goosebumps on my neck. It sounded foreign. I didnt want her to call me bhabi just like she didnt want me to but she said it made her feel good and it was her childhood dream so I let her call me bhabi. She placed the shawl on my head. It was a ladies function so there was no hussle to cover myself so much.

"How is this design sister?" A girl who was there to apply mehendi asked me. I was settled on the sofa comfortably, relatives surrounding me. Talking about different desi gossips. I nodded at her. She started to apply. The brown coloured mehendi stood out on my hand.

"You want to eat something?" Ma asked. I denied. I was not hungry. It felt like it's been ages since I felt hungry. If ma didnt force me to eat I would have never ate. She stroked my head and sat next to me. By now only few people were left. That girl, whose name I learnt was neha was applying mehendi on my foot.

I had to wait for hours sitting at one place so the mehendi can dry. I was feeling asleep. I wanted my bed but I couldnt move. I had mehendi on my hands and legs. The house was quite except for umar and eram continuous bickering.

They were swiping the pictures they clicked today. Internally they were having a competition on who looked better. Whether eram who was all dolled up or umar who just randomly clicked some pictures right after the function finished.

"Arent you all sleeping?" Ma asked, coming to the hall after freshening up. Startling umar and eram who were sitting way too closely. She came and sat next to me. I grinned looking at ma, finding a company to spend time was good. I was anyways bored with umar and eram fights. They both got up and saying good night to us they both went to their room.

"You like the mehendi?" Ma asked me. I smiled and nodded at her. "I loved it." I told her. She smiled back. She looked at me lovingly.

"You know ayah you have been my favourite before and even after umar was born. You were brought up in the family with so much love and care.

We expect different things from our partner. Thats a natural process. But I can't assure you that after wedding you will be everyone's favourite. I cant assure that everything will happen in your favour.

You are a grown up matured lady. I know you will understand but Im still saying. Dont ever be disappointed when shayan wont be able to fulfill your wishes. Just remember the small sacrifices he does to make you happy.

Dont feel bad when he gives more importance to his family. You are a part of his family too but his priorities might be different. Getting married is not all about roses full of bed but the thorns the roses have is also a part of marriage. You understand what Im saying right?" Ma asked me.

I nodded at her. We were quite for awhile. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. It was hard to imagine a life without them. They were my support. My life. How could I leave them back?

It was 11 in the night. "Ma can you take me to the room?" I asked her. She nodded instantly. She helped me stand up. She helped me walk to my room.

She laid me on the bed and switched of the lamp. "Good night." She whispered to me. "Good night." I whispered back.

She closed the door behind her and went out leaving me alone in my own company. Tomorrow Its my nikkah. I will be tagged as Ayah shayan. Ill go to a new place, new environment and meet with new people. From tomorrow along with being a daughter and a sister Ill be be a wife and daughter-in-law. It will not be easy to tackle it. But If I had shayan's support I would be able to handle.

Mehendi made it difficult for me to turn to the sides, Forcing me to stay in the same position until I fall asleep. And sleep was the furthest thing in my mind. My phone vibrated. It was beside me on the bed. I picked up to see the that an unknown number had messaged me. The message read,

Dear ayah,

My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and be there for me.

I want someone who understands that life happens. I don't want someone to sugarcoat things and never get angry at me. I want someone to tell me what it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go 5 hours without talking to you and not feel incomplete. Because Im completed without you but with you I want to be much better.

I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. The fact that you understand all of this is why I want to marry you. I dont expect you to reply me back because I know you might be speechless now.
Cant wait to see you dressed up as my bride.

Your would be husband,
Shayan

He knew me well. There was nothing in the message. Nothing romantic. Nothing cheesy. Just what was the truth. What he wanted and what I was. Indeed we plan and allah plans and he is the best of planners.

I didnt want to reply him. It was a simple message. A message about how my future could be. When my wedding was broken off with rayyan I was shattered to pieces. I felt like I was destroyed. I felt like I didnt have a good future with happiness. But what I didnt knew was that I had to have tawakkul on Allah. I forgot that there was one above listening to my cries at night and watching the fake smiles I had. I forgot that this was just a passing test.

We make a list of things we need in partner. Like brown hairs and sweet voice. A sharp mind and a soft heart. A sense of humour that actually makes you laugh. This and that but this is not worth it. Our list of things can't measure someone's love. They might be the more than what we expect or they can be the total opposite of what we want. The irony is that people never understood that.