shoes on powerlines

i dont know myself

diet. diet. diet.
all i can think about is the food, the calories inside the food, the amount of weight i'm going to fucking gain from eating all of this shit. i need to be skinny, i need to be skinny, i need to be skinny.

im so tired of pretending i'm okay.
i've fabricated my entire life up to this point, and now i'm so lost.
i cant even cry, the tears don't come.
i don't know myself.

it's so empty and quiet inside of this void, my own voice echoes so fucking loud in this house. i cant even fucking think straight. i've lost all control, all sympathy. this world is cruel, and i don't want to be in it anymore.
i've lost love.
i've lost feelings.
i've lost what it's fucking like to feel happy.
and nobody gives a single fuck about it anymore, the only thing filling me up is the amount of pain i'll endure tomorrow when i step on the scale.

being happy feels like a fucking sin.
and this whole reality is God,
a bible of quarantine.
this is so useless.
i thought writing in this diary would make me cry, make me FEEL something, make me ALIVE again but fuck i don't feel anything, I DONT FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING!!!!

i want to.
i miss what it felt like to wake up every morning and be in love with you.
it fucking stung like hell to see you at homecoming with a girl thinner than me but i pushed everyday knowing i'll get thinner and you'll love me
i miss feeling like i was worth something.
i miss feeling, even if it was negative.
i want you to traumatize me.
please abuse me.

i understand women that stay in abusive relationships now, they feel. love, pain, they feel. they are never alone with emptiness, their void is filled to the brim with emotion, and fuck i want that so bad. but i'm so unwanted that not even an abusive man or woman would want me. nobody wants me. im an empty space. an empty FUCKING space with my birth name engraved on me.

i want to feel.
i want to feel.
I WANT TO FEEL.

please.
please.

let me feel something. im so alone. FUCK
K

      i don't want to be here.