𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 | bokuaka!

𝟏𝟏.

"Bokuto-san, do you have all of your bags packed?"

"Akaashi, it's not like I showed up with much anyways..." He whines, butchering my name while dragging out his sentences. He stands with his previous bag slightly more full from the last time. He had gone out and bought a bit since he had first arrived.

"Oh. I guess you're right." I begin to roll my suitcase out the door as Bokuto follows behind, stepping out of the apartment. The warm air escapes for a moment before being cut off as I lock the heat in, the now bitter wind nipping at both of our noses. I sigh, watching my breath materialize again like it had many days ago, when Bokuto and I were at the park down the street busy confessing love.

I pick up my suitcase to walk down the icy and snow clustered stairs as I begin to speak.

"Okay. Car rules. You're going to sit in the passenger seat, and not complain or repeatedly ask me 'when are we going to be there yet' the entire ride." I say, unlocking the car with a beep as I shove my suitcase into the trunk. I hold my hands out, signalling that I'd take Bokuto's bag into the trunk if he handed it over, but he just stands beside me with bewilderment on his face as if he's seen a ghost. He slowly hands over his bag.

"How'd you know I was going to do that!? You read me like a book!" I roll my eyes at his exclamations as I shut the trunk with a thud, entering the driver's side. Not long after, Bokuto joins me to my right, putting on his seatbelt.

"Also, we are NOT listening to Lady Gaga or Doja Cat the whole way there."

"C'mon!! What's wrong with Doja Cat??"

Starting the car, I begin to pull out the parking lot of the complex and make my way onto the highway. Scenery flashes by but I'm too distracted by my racing thoughts, the bantering reminding me of the past.

That would be our past, huh?
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________

A complicated past it was. Full of heartbreak and sorrow but wide grins where relentless support is simultaneously just as potent as the deprivation of happiness. And when you're someone like me, a realist turned an anxious pessimist, the happier times are often overlooked. At least without sour lenses mutating the happier version of the past.

I find myself slipping into my memories.

"Akaashi, I really am glad to have you by my side. I'm sorry we always have to hang out at your house... my parents really are something..." Bokuto sighs as we both are laying on the slanted rough of my childhood house. The shingles are rough against my back, but Bokuto's smile and the dreamy look in his eyes as he stargazes is enough to subdue the pain.

"I don't even get why they won't let you over... is it because they know you're bi? Honestly, lately they haven't really invited anyone over, they've just been so moody. I'm sure they'll get over it soon, I'm really sorry!"

"...I get it, Bokuto-san. It's alright."

"You can lose the honorific you know, I mean, when we're alone—" He seems to stammer over his words as I chuckle. There's a soft, and pretty blush among his cheeks.

We're stargazing, sure, but the only star that I find in my field of vision seems to be Bokuto as he points at the sky; cheesy, I know. His gray, loose t-shirt is rolled up at the sleeves, exposing his built biceps as he seems to be unbothered by the gray tiling under him. I smile.

"Sorry, a bit of a habit..."

"You've only been calling me that for almost a year, silly!" He finally glances back at me to be met with my persisting gaze. "You can loosen up around me. We're practically best friends, you can tell me anything! Keiji, what's really behind that stoic nature of yours?"

"You really want to know?" I ask out loud as he nods excitedly, shifting up into an upright position, mirroring my posture. He smiles broad, awaiting my answer.

"Come closer, it's a secret," I almost giggle, cupping a hand by my mouth, creating a half circle with it as if I'm sharing a secret. Bokuto seems to have a light-bulb moment in his head, mouth curling into an 'o' at the show of a different side of me, one more playful. He shifts closer to me.

"Look into the sky, and search for the answer for me."

"Oh, okay." Bokuto gazes into the sky, giddy as he looks into the constellations above. I marvel him for a moment, from how close he is to my body to how innocent he looks peering into the heavens.

"Uhh, Akaashi I'm not seeing anyth—"

In a quick instant, I press a soft, chaste kiss to his cheek as he's distracted, slightly shying away as soon as it was placed. Bokuto's face turns beet red over something so simple as he turns to look at me, but at the same time he's indecisive over whether he should make eye contact or not, purely embarrassed.

Yet after a moment of silence, the other boy perks up.

"A-Akaashi, can you kiss me again?" Now I'm the one turning beet read before my features soften.

"...Yeah, okay, sure. As a warning, I'm not really experienced, but.." I fumble with my composure as I caress the side of Bokuto's face, leaning in and—

"—Akaashi, are you alright? You're really pale. Is it the Rihanna I'm playing?" He groans, "I was sure you would be okay with it!"

Realization hits me like a truck. The fact that it will never be like that again. The fact that we'll never be so young again. Never as innocent, never as ignorant, never as happy. And it crushes me, what reality isn't. I can't rewind time to fix anything, or relive it one more time, I just can't do shit about it. The nostalgia will continue to torment me until I'm bed-ridden with aching joints.

Because now we're both adults, dealing with rent, stress, and taxes. Seriously, I still don't know how to do taxes, and my mom is growing tired of helping me every year. It all happened way to fast, a heartbreaking realization.

I'm not 16 anymore. I'm not 16.

I inhale. The real world might as well could've snuck up behind me, and knocked me out cold, into a coma for years; until I finally woke up, lost and legally able to vote.

I exhale. "Sorry Bokuto-san for ruining the mood, but do you ever wish you could rewind time?"

Bokuto perks up and turns down the Rihanna all the way down until we could both barely make out the rhythm and beat. Hills roll by, as we truly enter the mountains; the elusive country engulfing my car. The roads are empty, and it is practically silent now.

"Well," He starts, "Of course I do. Yet wallowing in the past really hurts sometimes..."

"Go on."

"Sometimes it's happy, and I see my family in harmony or the two of us splashing each other in the ocean, smiling. Other times it's wretched," He winces, "and I remember the pain in your eyes that I caused and the insults of my dad." The owl-like boy frowns at this, as I'm quickly reminded about how much I hate to see his frown.

"Yeah. Sorry for asking. It was a bit insensitive of me."

"I don't mind, Akaashi. I know you always mean good."

word count: 1296